Spite made him do it
by Napsalot
Summary: Bilbo, mistaken for a child plays along and it all got a bit out of hand. Onscreen corporal punishment, be aware. Just for fun.
1. Chapter 1

The sound of the smack rang through the campsite, bringing immediate silence. Bilbo was three feet away, out of reach, holding the back of his smarting thigh before he realised what had happened. Thorin had simply taken him by the arm, turned him sideways and smacked his leg as if he were a small fauntling. Which he had been pretending to be the whole day once he had realised their confusion, to have some fun with the grumpy dwarves so fair but they started it!

"Come back here Bilbo," Thorin pointed to the spot at his feet. "We are not done yet."

"Will there be any more smacking?" A titter from the group around the fire and Bilbo felt his face heat at the realisation that everyone was listening in.

"Will there be any more lip?"

"No." The lip he was referring to was him asking Bilbo to repeat the rules and Bilbo, exasperated by the whole thing saying: I am not allowed to talk, I am not allowed to do anything, I am not allowed to go anywhere, am I allowed to breathe—and cue the smack. "No, sir," he replied to the bushy browed frown.

"Then kindly come stand here lad," Thorin had sat himself down on a fallen log just outside the camp with Bilbo to attention at his knees, "and repeat the rules I've set out for you." Bilbo returned reluctantly and gave a small sniff. Wouldn't the lot back home laugh and laugh. "I am waiting, lad." And laugh.

That's another thing that changed from the morning till now. They stopped calling him Mister Baggins as one and changed it to lad, kid, Bilbo and, in the case of Thorin's two nephews, sweetheart.

"I am not to complain unless everyone else is complaining." Bilbo held up a thumb. Added a finger. "I am not to be rude to my elders." He sniffed a bit at that oh the embarrassment! If only he had known this will be the result of playing the child they thought him to be! "I will not go off alone anywhere. Not even to pee." Third finger went up, and he barely kept himself from stamping his foot at that indignity. "I will get chores like everyone else." Fourth. "No feeding our food to the ponies. I did that so she could like me and stop swishing me with her tail." Five. "The road is dangerous, so I get only one chance to listen or I get punished." Which seemed to mean a smack.

"Good job. Do you have any questions?"

Oh. I get a chance also? Bilbo sneered down to his feet. Across from him Thorin leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and he took a hasty step back and said the first thing on his mind. "What type of punishment, sir!"

"Well, I hope you would not get any as you would be listening and following the rules," he answered in what sounded like a playful tease. Blue eyes had lost their serious glare now, softening on him now that he seemed to trot in line and Bilbo had to step on his own toes not to forgive the dwarf immediately. "If you forget we will just have a chat but if I feel it was deliberate, it can be anything from more chores to an early bedtime. Anything that might hurt yourself or others will get you a turn over my knee."

What. Bilbo blanched at the idea. There was no way he would let that happen. The question was whether Thorin would think it was more 'lip' if he told him so in the fervor that he wanted.

"More questions?"

He clamped his lips on the rant keeping it internal and shook his head, he will have to think about this. Contract or no contract he would not be staying if they abused him. A smack is one thing in the heat of the moment but a beating quite another!

"Then go help Bombur with dinner."

Bilbo turned to the camp, helping Bombur with dinner is not a hardship and will get him out of Thorin's reach. He stopped at the sea of faces, why were there so many.

"Problem lad?" asked Thorin getting stuck behind him in his sudden halt.

"I don't know who's Bombur." He pressed his lips on the 'sir' that wanted out.

"That will be me, laddie." A redheaded red faced dwarf raised his hand merrily. "You can help with the carrots." Oh joy. Bilbo stepped over to help with the carrots. The camp slowly started chatting again, mostly in their own language, and he figured they were discussing his dressing down. It smarted greatly that all had heard, and that alone kept him sullen against the cook's friendly chatter. Not talking meant he couldn't criticize the way Bombur wanted the carrots cut, (big pieces with skin and all!) nor comment on the blandness of his stew, a few herbs would do it better.

Bombur gave him the first bowl, and he scooted off to sit under a tree as far away as he dared to still be in the camp. There he balanced the bowl on his pulled up knees, duck his head over it to ignore the dark gaze of the king.

"Sweetheart." Fili sat down on his left.

"Cutie pie." Kili at his right. "Planning on sulking forever?"

"I am not sulking." Bilbo sniffed and started on the still steaming stew, blowing on the spoonful for something to do. He was not sulking; he was planning on running away before this mess got too complicated.

"Please. You nearly tripped over your bottom lip just now." Kili gave him an easy shoulder bump.

"Everyone heard." Bilbo hissed, telling despite himself, the brothers so easy to talk to and glared at the camp over his bowl.

"Everyone will always hear." Fili countered unconcerned. "We are on the road, there will be no privacy for quite a while."

Which was horrible. Especially for a hobbit who had been living on his own the last seventeen years. And the meat was chewy. If they started cooking it earlier, it would have had time to fall apart. Bilbo clenched his knees tighter and chewed fiercely. It helped a bit to calm down.

Kili lowered his voice and ducked his head closer to Bilbo. "Do you think uncle is happy to see you sulking?"

"I so don't care." Both brothers snorted at that.

"Just try to relax." Fili offered. Seems they were taking turns. "Why, we were corrected three times today, you don't see us upset."

"When?" He never heard no such thing.

"Kili was throwing acorns at Ori."

"Fili let you wander too far to pee."

"In my defence, you were distracting me with that joke about —"

"Small ears!" Kili reached over Bilbo to thump Fili on the head.

"Yea yea. Anyway, we were both too noisy looking for game." Fili shrugged. "It is not as if he was wrong and we did not deserve a reprimand."

"So do you see us sulk?" asked Kili.

"I didn't hear any of that."

"Hm because it was in Khuzdul." Fili said. "Next time just listen to his tone, you will know."

It made Bilbo feel somewhat better (even though they were not smacked) and he chewed the bland stew slower. Maybe next time he would offer advice to Bombur. If he changed his mind and stayed. He relaxed his shoulders and wondered what the joke was about, small ears indeed. To get them back for that he started pestering them to tell him the joke and did not let off when Bombur passed dishes to him for washing and they accompanied him to the stream.

On the way back Kili gave up, knelt down and told him. It pondered the difference between being hungry and horny and the answer was where you put the cucumber. Bilbo blinked at him. It was such a childish joke; he might have heard it when he was twenty. Well, his mom would have burned his ears if she knew but it was the age to giggle and gossip and experiment. They mistook his amazement for innocence. Kili ruffled his hair. "See? I told you it's not for little ears, you will understand it when you are older."

"So where do you put the cucumber?" he deadpanned. It brought Kili to his feet in a rush and made Fili who hadn't paid attention to their conversation up till now turn around.

"Kili, you didn't."

"He is like a hornet that just doesn't give up. You either kill them or give them sugar."

Did he just call Bilbo a pest? Bilbo pulled his chin up ignoring the fact that he had been deliberately pestering them for the last hour. Time to up the ante then. "Because if you are hungry you make a salad and put it in the dining room where you will eat it, where do you put the salad if you are horny?" Both of them stared at him. Fili slowly crossed his arms.

"What." Fili reddened nice and high on his cheeks. "What does horny mean Bilbo, do you know?"

"It's when you are extra hungry."

"Well, then you put it in the kitchen!" Kili had an eureka moment. "End of the joke. Let's go it's getting late." He manhandled Bilbo out ahead to a clattering of bowls. "Don't let it fall, it is wet, it will get muddy and Bombur will send you back."

"Nice going idiot." Fili hissed and cuffed his brother in passing. He was trying for a low whisper, but hobbits had good ears. Probably the pointy bit helped like the elves. "Do you remember how many times today he complained he was very hungry?"

Oh, Yavanna. Bilbo had not thought of that one yet, piping up in the company saying he was horny! It will never happen not even to pull their legs. Besides. He had decided. He evaded Thorin's gaze. He was not staying.


	2. Chapter 2

"If you want to go home, we can do it better than you running away in the night and getting eaten by wolves."

The next smack fell on the back of his hand when he grabbed hold of his bum to cover what he could and he quickly twisted his hand around palm side up instead but Thorin pulled it out of the way. For a moment his hand smarted more than his bottom but then Thorin took care of that with a few more smacks, that made Bilbo shout a childish 'Owww!' kicking his legs.

Bilbo had walked for two hours before they found him. Thorin had not said a word but simply put his foot up on a big rock, hung Bilbo like so much dirty washing over his raised thigh and pulled his trousers down to bare all skin last seen by an adoring mum when he was in diapers to the night sky.

The smacks stopped. "Mind telling me why you were running away?" Thorin asked and Bilbo was too quick to be relieved that it was over as another smack fell on his bum, Thorin having just paused to talk, making him suck in a sob. Because he didn't want to be spanked being the biggest reason and he couldn't in all shame say that so he said no, he minded.

"Very well." Thorin shook his knee and bent forward to take better hold of Bilbo, removing the feeling that he would fly off and fall flat on his face. He was not stupid though and started to kick his legs up in earnest,(falling on his face will be less pain!) which helped nothing against the smacking, interspersed with reprimanding that then took place.

When Thorin decided enough and lowered him down to the rock, he was sobbing heartily and unable to get his knees straight. The dwarf still had his one arm slung around his middle though and kept him upright, reached down and without ado pulled up his trousers for him.

Bilbo sobbed, clutching his bum, and Thorin pulled his trousers up over his hands and fastened the buttons up front. The movements pressed his face into the rough material of Thorin's shirt and Bilbo pushed his face into the dwarf's chest to sob harder. Oh god how was he ever going to live this down!

"You know. It would help me to know why you ran away so perhaps we can fix that."

"No, it wouldn't." Bilbo stuck his head harder into the dwarf's body. Thorin's one arm still slung around Bilbo's waist, and the other patting his back it felt like a hug. He took particular pleasure in wiping his nose on the shirt and stamped a foot, hugging someone after you smacked them made little sense, he was just making sure Bilbo did not tumble from the rock.

"Sure it would."

"Really?" He pulled back his head to look up at the blurry dwarf who seemed to have lost all his ire. (Well, of course because he let it out on Bilbo's bum!) "It was because I did not want to be spanked!"

Thorin searched his face for the truth and Bilbo put it all there in what felt like an angry scrunch. "Well then." The corners of his mouth were doing something weird, trying to pull up and down at the same time. "How did that work out for you?"

"No-ot good." He remembered his bum was hurting and his voice wobbled, this was enough to start the tears again and he started sobbing anew.

"We need to get back to camp." Thorin picked him up, hands still down his trousers and all, and settled him on a muscular arm high against his chest and started off. Someone said something in Khuzdul from the dark and Thorin sighed before turning around to change direction.

Xxxx

It took a while before Bilbo realised what they intended to show him with their morning bath. Fili was sitting next to the stream weapons ready as the lookout, but he paid them the same amount of attention that he did the area.

Kili was with Bilbo in the slow stream of which the water went up over Bilbo's hips but only reached the taller dwarf's thighs so at first he avoided looking over for decency's sake but the dwarves kept chatting easily and soon he relaxed. Until he saw the red and purple stripes marking Kili's buttocks and thighs.

"Thorin did that?" His own bum did not even twinge this morning, and he knew from looking that it was as lilywhite as ever. Which was how Kili's bum looked the evening before when they had the same wash session after dinner.

"No," Kili answered easily. "Uncle Thorin was off searching for you, cousin Dwalin had the honour." He twisted around to try and see. "Does it look as sore as it feels?"

"You'll survive," Fili said drily from the bank.

"Says the one who doesn't even get a clip around the ear." Snorted Kili but he did not look angry as such.

"Why?" Bilbo asked, completely forgetting the soap.

"He is over eighty, that is uncle's cut off age. He said even if he doesn't act like an adult, he had to stop treating us as children at some point or he would never be able to."

"Oh." Bilbo felt a hysterical giggle. Thirty years still for him if he stayed with the dwarves then. His peers would have their own teenagers by that age. "No, I mean why did you - why did Dwalin…" He motioned helplessly to the damage.

"Ah. Why did cousin Dwalin beat our little Kili here? Why he was on watch while you snuck away."

"What! So if it was Bofur or-or Nori he would have beaten them too?"

"If it was them, you would not have reached the treeline, their situational awareness is better." Fili replied as Kili stepped out of the water. "But yes they are too old and not family, so they would have received increased chores or a good dressing down. Cousin Dwalin is second in charge, he will not just pat them on the back and smile." He patted Kili's calve in sympathy where he stood next to him drying himself off. "Kili has his age against him."

Bilbo just stood in the water unmoving when Fili undressed quickly to join him. This time he took a good look but the older brother had a perfectly pristine skin. He had very mixed feelings about this conversation. It seemed a deliberate show and tell. Was it to make him feel better about his own spanking? Did they even know he got spanked? It was not as if he had marks and Thorin was still snoozing to tell. Was it to make him feel guilty then? He crossed his arms and shivered in the cold water.

"Thorin spanked me too you know, it hurt even if it doesn't look as…." He felt his face heat at this as if he could compare!

"We know kid. We would be very upset with him if it showed, heavens you are tiny." Fili reached out and scrubbed his hand through Bilbo's wet curls. Then took the soap from Bilbo and scrubbed that through his hair too, while Bilbo gaped at him. "Rinse and get out, you will catch a cold."

"We thought you would like to know that you are not the only one involved when you mess up and seeing is better than being told." Kili said from where he had taken up Fili's previous spot, monitoring the surrounding wilderness, though he was not sitting. "It would have killed me if anything happened to you on my watch so I am very glad uncle found you but believe me we will keep a better eye on you from now."

"Rinse." Fili ordered from behind him, sounding so much like Thorin at that moment that Bilbo immediately ducked his head under the water to scrub the soap out. Fili followed him to the bank and hoisted him over the muddy bit without warning. Kili draped his half wet towel over Bilbo and started rubbing roughly staving off the shivers that the cool morning air wracked from his wet body.

"I think Kili deserves to know why you tried to run away."

Oh Yavanna he probably did. It was embarrassing last night but there he at least had the dark to cover his shame. Fili was dressing himself, Kili seemed intend on helping Bilbo dress quicker and neither one was pushing the issue, waiting him out.

"Because Thorin threatened to spank me." He told the treetops. Both brothers went quiet. Even the birds seemed to have stopped their chittering. Kili closed the last button on Bilbo's waistcoat slowly. Bilbo dared to look at Fili only to find his mouth doing the same thing as Thorin's the previous night.

Kili kneeling before him, head bent, sniggered softly. It quickly turned into a loud guffaw, his brother taking no time to join him; Fili could barely put his boots back on from laughing. Kili bent over double gathering the soap and discarded towels, unable to shake them out in his mirth. They laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. Halfway back they settled into sniggering every now and then, pushing a sulky Bilbo out ahead of them.

Nearing the camp Bilbo heard the loud smack, advanced a double step with the push before the burn registered on his bum and he twisted around to head off further swats. Two innocent faces looked down on him, giving no clue who the perpetrator was. Kili sniggered and set them off into another bout of laughter. Bilbo held his bum, it was not a kind smack and did not rub away and when Fili turned him and nudged him ahead; he put his other hand back also just in case they had more ideas. The laughter just increased, but no one tried anything more until they reached camp.

"You're still cooking with Mister Bombur." Fili nudged him in that direction. "Don't sulk."

He did though. A second time Bombur did all the chatting by himself and Bilbo bit his tongue on recommendations on how the spam and eggs could be done better. Bombur had him stir it all together until it was one scrambled mess, then plated it in the bowls with a hunk of bread each.

Bilbo was sent off with the first bowl again, which was maybe the benefit of helping and not just Bombur being tired of his face. He sat under the same tree, suddenly ravenous but managing to eat at a proper rate, chewing completely before swallowing. If the day went as yesterday there was just going to be an apple and dried beef strips for lunch so he tried to savour the food which wasn't really tasting too bad.

Fili came to sit next to him. Kili came to lean against the tree behind him. The smack was still smarting if he sat just so and probably was a bruise so Bilbo did not feel sorry for him at all. Well, maybe guilty a bit but not sorry.

The morning passed with no one else getting smacked, threatened to be smacked or reprimanded in any way, which was rather a relief to Bilbo, but also a bit boring. He understood now why the two brothers looked for amusement, throwing acorns if nothing else.

Fili and Kili were quiet, Kili concentrating on not showing just how much he didn't want to sit on a pony right now and if anyone conversed it was in Khuzdul. Riding next to anyone other than the brothers, he felt too tongue tied and out of his depth to start a conversation so he didn't. Besides, being a child in their eyes cut any real conversation down to less than half for he couldn't really remember what kids talked about so he kept mum. Yesterday he broke the quiet by complaining, well Thorin said complaining, he thought he was just mentioning discomforts. Which were many. Today he didn't dare as 'no one else was'.

Lunch time when the jerky and apples were doled out Kili did a silent revolt and got off his pony to walk.

"We will catch up, Uncle Thorin." Fili slid down also taking up both their reins. After a piercing look the King just nodded assent and called Bilbo to the front with him and Dwalin. The two worst dwarfs to ever dwarve.

"I like walking too."

"It is never a request Bilbo." Was Thorin's gruff response to that and Bilbo needed a few blinks to get it. He hurriedly spurred his pony forward, cheeks red.

Thorin and Dwalin made space for him to ride between them, and he silently paid attention to the apple and jerky while they chatted over his head. Nothing else to do he made a game on how long could he make the food last, nibbling the smallest bites on the apple, eating every last bit, even the seeds, well except for the scruffy threads on the bottom. The jerky was a thick strip half the size of his wrist so they would not go hungry, it was just not the most pleasant of meals. This one he sucked soft instead of nibbling, and that took care of some more time.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, thank Mahal." Dwalin sighed when the last of the jerky was swallowed. Blue hobbit eyes turned curiously up at him, and for a moment he feared he had talked in Westron when they turned into a mini glare.

"I can barely remember the boys at this age, how long ago was that." Thorin mused, side eyeing the grumpy little hobbit.

"Thirty years give or take. They weren't much different from now." Dwalin grinned. "All right — all right," he laughed at Thorin's own glare, "they were worse than now and worse than this one but then again they were two so twice the ideas."

"He is quiet today though."

"Probably can't think of anything to say that's not a complaint." Dwalin muffled a laugh at his friend's expense. He had been teasing him about the lads rules for a while now. He also had offered to take the boy back and catch up but Thorin, for some reason, thought Gandalf were just waiting for them to do that. For all that the wizard was encouraging the trip, he seemed to have little faith in Thorin himself.

"It won't last." Between them Bilbo had now pulled a foot up on the saddle and was fiddling with his toes, flicking dirt and smoothing out the curly hair growing so fiercely on top. He did the same with his other foot. Not really knowing what to discuss with a little orphan hobbit they let him be, only keeping an eye same as they did on all the group and the surroundings. Thorin was the one that grabbed him when suddenly he stood straight up on the pony's back, Dwalin went for the reins of a shocked Myrtle while Thorin hooked him over to his own pony who hadn't blinked an eye.

"What on earth Bilbo!"

"I wasn't doing anything! I think I can balance!"

"Just because you think you can, doesn't mean you should try."

"Well, how else will I know then if I can?"

"Modify your tone right now."

"Sorry." He promptly stilled on Thorin's lap. "How will I know I can do it if I do not try, sir?"

Thorin have to give him credit. He really wanted an answer to the question and there was no way anyone could claim he sounded disrespectful, clenched teeth or not. Dwalin now over the fright was laughing silently at them.

"You will not." Thorin conceded, modulating his own voice to sound calmer as well. "Bilbo. We are travelling on the road, far away from any facilities that a healer might need if you broke a bone or worse your neck. We do not take chances such as this away from home, it is not sensible."

"But it will be my broken bones, so my choice, right?"

Seriously? "Traveling with a sick person will make us go slower for one, we don't want to be trapped in winter. Another it makes it more dangerous, if we had to fight we cannot be sure that we will be able to keep you safe and half our attention will be on you and not on the animals or bandits where it should be. Not to talk about infection or anything else that can happen. That is why we do not do dangerous antics without a very valid reason."

"But there might come a valid reason in future and then we will be sorry that I hadn't practiced." Bilbo could see sense in Thorin's explanation (and wow that is the longest he had heard him talk yet. Wait no, yesterday when they were going over the rules was longer…) he is just so bored that he can't help himself, anything to keep the conversation going.

"Really." The voice above him was as dry as chalk. Still sounded safe though.

"Yes," he insisted. "Yes, sir," he corrected in case it would be a point of contention again. "All of you are too heavy to do it even without all your weapons and… stuff. So it just makes sense that I will be the one that has to stand on a horse or a pony for sure I will not break its back."

"Hm."

Sounded good still. A dwarf behind them was breathing weird though, and Dwalin had spurred his pony and Myrtle on ahead a bit in a sudden coughing fit. Which meant he could talk more freely. Dwalin was not one of his favourite persons at the moment. Did Thorin know? Should he tell or will Kili get in more trouble? "I could stand on Myrtle's back to pick apples from a tree. The way we go through apples every day we must run out soon."

"With a valid reason I meant a life-threatening situation." Thorin corrected, shifting them more comfortably, Bilbo, sideways still, was enjoying the smoother pace from Myrtle. His pony was like a boat where Myrtle jiggled constantly and he was tired of wondering if his bum was aching from that or Thorin's abuse the previous night. He took his time, but couldn't think of any such situation occurring on the road. Probably he needed to gain more experience of travelling.

Bilbo sighed. "I don't think I'd fall." It came out more plaintive than was probably good for him but it was just so unfair having his first fun of the day spoiled.

"How about I make it more clear. No, you cannot practice standing on Myrtle, (and thinking of Fili and Kili) or on any other horse. It is dangerous and if I catch you at it the punishment will be?"

Bilbo pulled in on himself and muttered the answer. The morning had gone so well too. Not that Thorin sounded angry or even exasperated, just serious enough to be meaning it. He pulled his knees up and flung his arms around them, cradled between Thorin's arms on the wide shoulders of his pony it was an easy position.

"Can I go back to Myrtle now?"

"No. Take a nap if you are bored, I won't let you fall."

"I don't want a nap," he grumped under his breath but the monotony of the now quiet ride, and being held steady against the dwarven chest, coupled with the excitement of the preceding night had him dozing within ten minutes, a smile on his face as he had just figured out a way around the King's edict.

All around him bets were being made as to whether he will try or not, and if so, when. Finer details were discussed to what injuries he will have (Oin, as their healer, hoped just sprains) and all in all they had a merry few hours with Ori carefully noting down the intricate bets.

Xxxxx

"Heeeeyyy Nori."

"Huh. I figured you for smarter than this."

"What do you mean?"

"Thorin is going to skin you alive."

"If he saw. Which he didn't." Bilbo brought Myrtle's head down to undo the bridle. He felt quite the expert by now.

"Excuse me?"

"He's not here, right?"

"But I am."

Bilbo stopped. "Yea?" Somewhere, something was lost in translation. It seemed Nori was just as confused for a frown marred his brows.

"Do you think because of my occupation that I will not tell Thorin what you are up to?"

"You have a job? I thought you just—" Stole. Yes, no way to say that nicely. Bilbo sucked his lips in. "Anyway, it's not very nice to tell on people."

"Oh, it's very, very nice to tell on people if they are doing something that might hurt them—"

"But it didn't!"

"—selves and it is not so very nice to keep secrets from your leader. You need to be trustworthy."

"I am not keeping a secret, he said if he caught me, and he didn't yet, so no need to tell!"

"Mahal save you for you have no brains." Nori stared at him one hand over his mouth.

"Look." Bilbo hurriedly removed the reins, leaving the halter and tether. He was the smartest fauntling under his peers, thank you very much, he read!

"I am not looking at anything. How is it that you are alone?"

"You are alone too."

"And you are comparing yourself to me now?" Nori's hand snaked out and caught Bilbo by the scruff of his neck, bringing him closer without too much effort and he crouched down, putting them nose to nose. "I will do you a favour," he hissed, making Bilbo shudder. "I will not tell Thorin any of the nonsense you have just spouted and if you are very smart, you will not either." He stood up in one smooth motion and, still gripping Bilbo by the neck, swung them both around to march him to the camp at a steady clip. "The key is to apologise and not to stop apologising until he is done with you."

Bilbo stumbled over his own feet but Nori kept him upright and moving. He had a plan if Thorin caught him, was even thinking it was smart too, it is not his fault if Thorin did not word it properly. But he had not thought about the fact that if he was caught, he was also caught out alone. Which was a definite rule breaking. The other was one he thought he could quibble about. And then he should probably add lying to some dwarfs as well.

"Nori…" his voice trembled.

"No."

"You don't even know what I wanted to say!"

"Yes, I do, lad. You want to ask me not to tell Thorin, to give you one more chance, that you won't do it again."

Yes, exactly. "No, I didn't!"

"Truly you are a little work of art. Don't lie to Thorin, you are a very poor liar. That is two bits of advice I have given you now for free Bilbo. I need not have done it either."

When Nori trampled loudly into the camp, Bilbo ahead of him he received a few frowns that clearly asked what Nori had done to the fauntling. He ignored them all and marched Bilbo to where Thorin sat. Thorin gave Nori a long searching look, gave Bilbo the same and passed his pipe to Balin.

"Found him all on his lonesome at the ponies doing you know what." Nori gave Bilbo a last push that brought him to Thorin's knees and the older dwarf was wise enough to take hold of Bilbo by the upper arms. Nori gave a nod to Balin and made himself scarce.

"I'm sorry Thorin!" Bilbo wailed behind him and Nori sat down with a huff between his brothers in the space they always left for him. Dori was scanning the group, sighed when the King's nephews chose that moment to walk into the camp. "He said he was with Fili."

"Fili was scouting the area." Ori answered absently, that was not an activity you took a kid on. Head ducked down he paged through his book for the bets.

"Not now." Nori admonished and stopped his younger brother by reaching over and closing the book in his hand.

"Feeling sympathy for the lad?" Dori who knew him well enough asked softly. On the other side of the camp Bilbo was apologetic, his explanations on how he planned and fooled and ignored Thorin interspersed with sorries, his high voice ringing through the camp. "Sounds familiar."

"It would. I gave him some advice, thief to burglar like." Nori was not bothered by his older brother's comment. As a young dwarf without parents, he was often in trouble, with Dori the judge and jury. Most of the time from stealing luxuries he did not need.

"That's kind of you. Won't help him much though." Near everyone watched as Thorin got up, gathered a crying Bilbo on to his arm, then carried him out of camp. At the treeline he broke a thin branch without stopping and whipped it testing through the air. Balin followed them a way off to play sentry.

"Ouch." Ori winced. "I hope he takes him far."

"Well, then." Dwalin raised his voice to be heard by everyone left. "Let's sort it. Who was supposed to be with the lad?"

"That would be me." Dori admitted and Nori ducked his head to hide his smile.

"Care to explain then?"

"I had him on digging duty, but he said he was going with Fili instead. I saw them together also, Fili you waved at me."

"Because Bilbo, the dear sweet lad said: Oh look, Mister Dori said hi, he waved at you Fili." A communal titter sounded up at this. "Then Kili and I left to scout."

"And I left on my own to dig."

The buddy system was strictly enforced for Bilbo and Thorin's nephews. Ori preferred to always be with someone. The rest took someone if they went far or would be busy and unable to pay attention like Thorin at present. If within shouting distance of the camp, they went according to the situation.

"Well then. What have we learned besides the fact that Hobbits are tricky?"

"Next time I will actually speak to the person to confirm." Dori offered. "That one is my fault."

"Yes, it is. I will talk to Thorin, any orders or change of orders with regards to our Bilbo should be given by himself or me, no proxy, and certainly not by request of the lad himself."

They went quiet, listening for fuss, but only a vague noise that could have been a child crying or an owl was heard and they did a collective sigh of relief.

…who won the bet then?

Xxxx

Two for two. Thorin carried Bilbo out of the camp and what felt like hours later carried him back in. He had been with them for two days, already earned two spankings and had been the center of attention ever since he arrived. Well, the road will get long and boring so he will be a diversion but the kid needs to stop following his own mind, he can't pick and choose which orders to follow. There is true danger in making a habit of disobedience, when not following orders in some situations can get him killed. Once Gandalf shows his face again, he will give him a good talking to for not making that clear to Bilbo.

In the meantime he frowned at everyone who dared look in sympathy on the soggy sad mess of a hobbit that he carried in. Thorin toed Fili to get up and organise the brat's bedroll and Kili to get him some water. Dinner was surely kept aside for them but Bilbo barely wanted the water offered to him. Thorin had thought to just put him to bed to sleep it off but a look at the turned down mouth had him change his plan and he sat down on the bedroll with Bilbo cradled between his arms on his lap.

So he sat on the ground, feeding Bilbo a bite now and then between his own, food that Bilbo couldn't refuse after having just been told, in a severe way, to listen to the leader. And slowly, the small shoulders started to relax. The camp routine went on around them, groups sitting and talking everything from politics to pets, clothes and leathers being cleaned or repaired and dwarfs coming and going to the sentry position that they had scouted out. Dwalin sat next to them smoking, letting him in on what they had discussed in his absence. He sat with Bilbo until he fell asleep and then some before he finally put him to bed and stood up to stretch out his stiff legs.

Individually, they all came to a collective conclusion that a busy hobbit was a safe hobbit. When Bilbo peeked from the extra furs that Thorin had thrown over him, unsure on how to face the day and looking longingly to the latrine area, Ori who was on the way noticed and curried him along. He gave the lad a bit of privacy behind a bush then took him to a stream where they washed their hands and faces, Ori giving him a hanky to wash away the dried tear tracks more effectively though he did not mention it. He remembered Nori pampering him whenever he got into trouble with their elder brother and dipped into his pocket for a toffy from his stash and passed it over for later. It flustered the quiet little hobbit so Ori quickly moved him to help gather more wood for the breakfast fire all the while chatting about his favorite sweets.

Bofur had him help with gathering the ponies, reining and saddling all. Making use of the time he gave him an impromptu lesson on tying the ropes and saddling. Bifur came halfway making it faster, and they led the ponies to drink their fill before making Bilbo wash his hands again for breakfast, scrubbing off the pony sweat, Bifur staying behind with the ponies and Bofur taking him back.

The two princes sat as his bookends again, Kili able to do it more comfortably this morning and Bilbo stared at him, forgetting for a moment the spoon halfway to his mouth. How exactly did that work then? Thorin had truly whipped him last night he had thought the world was ending and this morning with Ori he had taken a quick peek behind some shrubs and couldn't find even one mark and neither sitting nor walking gave him any trouble, there was some tightness on the surface of his right thigh if he stretched the skin in a certain way and that was all.

Fili nudged his elbow. "Eat."

"Do I have something on my face?" Kili asked.

"No." Bilbo ducked his head feeling his own face heating. No way he can ask... Oh… Dwalin was the one.

"Why would the lad be frowning at me," Dwalin asked his cousin. "You'd think I was the one that murdered him last night."

"He was not murdered."

"It is a figure of speech, Your Highness," Dwalin rolled his eyes. "We all saw how he looked when you came back."

"Ask Balin."

Dwalin sighed. "I don't need to ask Balin anything, I can see the lad is alive and able to sit." He sighed exasperated. "Honestly. It is too early to start your nonsense." Dwalin glared back at Bilbo, watched the hobbit turn pale at this and sighed. He shouldn't scare the lad just because Thorin was playing the humourless fool today.

The dwarf with the axe in the head picked Bilbo unasked up onto Myrtle and tucked something into his hand before going to his own pony. When he got over the shock Bilbo thought it was a handkerchief but when he opened the soft square of cloth warily, he saw it was a toy rabbit. The middle of the cloth was gathered into a beautifully carved rabbit face, exiting out of two smaller holes and tied into 'ears'.

The square cloth made the body, the wooden head just big enough to fold into his fist, tiny carved feet tied on each corner. It was a comfort toy. Bilbo imagined dwarven kids would carry it around in a pocket, use it as a toy or a hanky as it could be washed easily, and if it got threadbare, then it would be an easy job just replacing the old cloth with new.

A very babyish, comfort toy that did exactly the job it was supposed to, making him feel cared for. He twisted around to thank the dwarf whose name he couldn't remember but he was busy with Bombur and not looking in his direction. He caught Nori's gaze on him though and clutched the cloth tightly in anger. See if he ever talked to him again!

"Angry at you I can understand." Dwalin said in Khuzdul next to Nori.

"What?"

"I have no idea what I did to him." Dwalin clarified as much as he was going to, and spurred his pony on. "You on the other hand, are breathing." He called backwards.

"Well, perhaps it is your face! See if your mother didn't lie with a Goblin!" Nori called after him, was then immediately sorry and wished he could swallow his tongue and go mute for the rest of his life as Thorin turned around in surprise. He had just insulted the whole royal family and Dwalin was turning his pony around, ready to take the issue up.

"Dwalin!" Thorin snapped at his furious cousin.


	4. Chapter 4

It was going to be three for three, Bilbo just knew it.

Bilbo kneeling behind some shrubs looking at the trolls, his eyes nearly popping out in fear and this thought running around in his mind while all the mighty warriors were in sacks with only their feet sticking out. Bilbo clutched his mouth with both hands against hysterical giggles. Maybe he should just let them be eaten and save his own hide… What could he do against three trolls that were able to catch a contingent of scary dwarfs.

He squeezed his eyes shut to gather wits and call on his Took side. Prioritise, his mom's voice sounded in his ear what is the most pressing thing to do. The sacks were too tight over their bodies to just slip off. The trolls were preparing skewers. After lots of arguments, they had decided to roast the dwarfs and eat them later, still full from the sheep earlier. Bilbo grew dizzy at the image of a skewered dwarf and did the only thing he could think of. He circled the camp to steal the skewers.

This was all his fault. Well Kili might have had a hand in it too. And the pony that drowned with most of their food provisions. Nearly drowned Fili and Kili too but in the end just made them sopping wet, more wet than the rest of them that had suffered in the spring rain the whole day. Bilbo had wished he was home. Somehow Gandalf had not packed anything for wet weather and he had been miserable from the first drop.

When it became too dark to trek anymore, searching for a dry space Thorin had finally told them to make camp in the trees, the best they could get. The torrential pour was lessened but the wind kept shaking water off the leaves and everything dripped.

Oin and Gloin were failing in lighting a fire while Thorin had a serious talk with a shamefaced Bombur on distribution of foodstuffs, Bombur apparently not having heard the saying don't put all your food on one pony.

It was deemed no use hunting in this weather as all animals will be well hidden from the wet like they all wished to be so bedrolls were taken out and everyone huddled in family groups under what they could.

Later Fili would blame himself, he would have been less pliant than Kili who found the little hobbit adorable. It started with Bilbo having an urgent need and Kili crawling out of their shared heat with him to be the sentry. Everywhere was too wet and Kili was easy to encourage to go just a little bit further until they could not hear the camp anymore and he finally stopped Bilbo and said here, channelling Thorin for a moment so Bilbo listened.

A damp and hungry Kili was not hard to convince to go investigate the orange glow either. They were still unable to make a fire themselves and maybe there's food Kili that they would want to share, we can just look and off they went to find three trolls.

At that moment, listening to them discussing mutton and how they never had blinking manflesh in a long while Bilbo's mind must have left him.

"Kili." He whispered fiercely to the dwarf pulling him back. "Wait!"

"Shh! We have to go tell uncle!" But he stopped pulling and Bilbo went up close to grab his shirt to lever himself up higher to whisper directly to the taller dwarf's ear.

"Kili, I am the burglar, I think I need to practice stealing stuff."

"Are you out of your—"

"If I can't steal from trolls then I can't from a dragon I have to try!"

"—tiny mind!"

"Please Kili!" He had no idea why he was begging or why he wanted to do this but he was good at negotiating being a Baggins. "Just think how proud your uncle would be if we bring back money."

"If we survive this, uncle will have our hides."

"I am not scared." Bilbo told the whopper as easy as that. It was all relative at the moment anyway, the trolls scared him more right this second. "If I can get the big one's coins then we can buy the missing food back in the next village. And plenty."

"You should be scared as hell." Kili pushed him off. "Go on you get one try."

He snuck around the camp and hid behind a tree, while two of the trolls got busy at a barrel of ale he put his hand in the third's pocket. There was purse as big as a bag to him and with his heart beating in his ears he pulled it out slowly.

"Here now! What are you doing!" The bag said and it went downhill from there. Someone wanted to skewer Bilbo for a snack, another felt too full from their dinner and ale and one felt so sorry to hear Bilbo's pleading that he was going to let him go. Kili chose that moment to storm in. It had the benefit of Bilbo being discarded in a rough throw as they needed all hands to put a sack over Kili's head.

"The burglahobbit said there were lots more." The least drunken one of the three remembered Bilbo's fast talking. "Lots more and none at all. No more burglahobbits but lots of lovely dwarfs to skewer, let's get in the dark."

Bilbo stuck in a prickly bush could only hope for the rest of their party to save them. It didn't happen like that. First Fili and Dori came and they were ambushed into sacks before they even entered the clearing. Bifur, Bombur and Bofur put up a good fight but there was no piercing a troll's hide and being hit by one was being hit by a boulder. Two of the bags lay awfully quiet and Bilbo was sobbing with his hands clutched over his mouth.

The rest of the group came in a rush, Thorin plucked a burning stick from the fire and had managed to put an eye out and stick it up another's nose, causing the most damage. He was by that time one against three though and ended up sacked like the others.

And so Bilbo ended up stealing skewers as they were being made by William and Bert, Tom making more fires while all three the trolls discussed who they will sit on first. (The relief that the dwarfs wouldn't be skewered alive was immense.) The one with the yellow socks, said Bert, as he was responsible for his eye. A voice like William's disagreed that it was the dwarf with the grey socks. This set off another row and they were egged on by the extra voice that sounded just like theirs.

Then finally, "Dawn take you all, and be stone to you!" said the voice like William's and at that moment the light came over the hill waking up all the birds and the three trolls were caught in various poses of anger and surprise.

"Excellent!" Said Gandalf as he stepped from behind a tree and helped Bilbo to climb out from under the thorns. Then Bilbo understood. It was the wizard's voice that had kept the trolls bickering for the last hour, making them forget the night was passing.

"Oh thank you Gandalf!" He grabbed the wizard by the knees into a fierce hobbity hug. "I didn't know what to do!"

"Nevermind, it is all done now," he bent and patted Bilbo awkwardly on the curls. "Shall we untie them?"

They did. They had to cut some out of the tight sacks with knives but once one dwarf was free he set to helping them get the others too. Those of the group that were not half suffocated were making a loud fuss on how they could have done better, swearing at the trolls and the night in general. Bilbo made sure he stayed in the middle of all the mess, farthest from Thorin. It was all going to come out now, the only question was whether Thorin was going to get some smacks in before or after the wizard said: "Bilbo? A fauntling?" He can just hear him already.

"Gandalf!" Thorin's voice sounded above the noise. "We need to talk!"

"Not now! Don't you realise the trolls must have a cave or a hole dug somewhere to hide from the sun! We need to search!"

This set off a different kind of stampede, the wizard in the fore. Bilbo, tired and sore was unable to avoid being swept along, jostled and tugged by hands that still remembered he was to be cared for. His ankles where he was held up in the air hurt like all hell and he was glad when someone finally swept him up in a carry. Bifur he realised after a bit from the beard (He had made an effort to ask his name — was it just the previous day? It felt like ages ago — to say thank you for the toy). He relaxed into the dwarf and the thick arms tightened reassuringly around him. He shouldn't have relaxed so fast because Bifur took him directly to a waiting Thorin and Oin who were not rushing around trying to find a hoard.

"Noo!"

"Calm down, Oin here will examine you," said Thorin gruffly when he took Bilbo over and Bifur loosened Bilbo's fingers carefully from his beard, saying something in Khuzdul to the others.

Thorin sat down with him and moved him around on his lap to face a patiently waiting Oin.

Oin declared his ankles bruised but not broken, none of his scrapes need anything except ointment which is better put after a wash. They were all smelling and dirty and nearly immune to the stench by now but that did not mean it should stay.

When Thorin handed him back to Bifur he did the clutching thing again. "Don't shout at Kili!"

"Are you telling me what to do?" He loosened Bilbo's fingers from his shorter beard.

"—no sir." Bilbo was quick to say to the narrowed eyes.

"Good then. Stick to Bifur and we will yet get to the end of this day." A call went up at that moment, the troll cave was found and all three of them went, Bifur carrying Bilbo along.

"Here you are!" Gandalf exclaimed then his eyebrows rose and rose on seeing Bilbo being carried. "Is something wrong Bilbo lad?"

"I hurt my feet." Bilbo tried desperate to delay the end of the world a little bit longer and stuck a clearly bruised foot out, sad to see it now black and blue from where the troll had gripped him.

"Well then, carry on!" Gandalf laughed and bowed them into the smelly lair. No one else laughed at his pun. Thorin told Gandalf in passing by that he still had a bone to pick with him which stilled any humour Bilbo might have felt and the other two was more interested in the inside of the lair.

It was a house. A smelly troll house. One large room with a furry sleeping area, a huge table with three chairs only next to a wall of plundered food stuffs. Opposite that was treasure, gold and items that must have belonged to their previous victims. Clothes hung on the wall, much too small for trolls and Bilbo couldn't think why they had kept them except as memorabilia. He gripped Bifur tighter at the realisation that their things might have joined the hoard.

Gandalf and Thorin was examining swords and Oin picked up a small knife that he declared would do as a sword for Bilbo. Then they were outside again, the dwarfs had decided on breakfast and the cheeses and breads in the lair was put to use, Bombur directing a big fire to be made outside away from the smell. Ori and his brothers came with the ponies and strung them out close by.

Bilbo was beyond tired but no matter how relaxing it was being carried and expected nothing of he could not sleep with Gandalf not yet gone. They were only three days away from home too! Easy to be sent back on his own as adult once Thorin realised that.

There was explanations over breakfast, each group took turns in telling how they were caught. Nori and Dori the first ones after Fili had raised alarm, caught by surprise, the third troll having snuck up behind them. Trolls it seemed were made of stone already, nothing was going to cut them, Thorin had the most luck in piercing an eye with a burning stick. The consensus was that in future any trolls will be given a wide berth.

Bilbo and Kili were made to recount their part twice before everyone was satisfied. Not happy but satisfied to know the reason for their adventure in the sacks. Thorin stared at them long and hard making Bilbo's backside itch in expectation, he didn't know about Kili but he feared the worst.

"What a silly thing to do." Declared Gandalf.

Thorin sighed and decided: "I think we have had enough excitement for now. I will not punish either of you further for poor decision making skills. New rule though, neither of you are allowed to leave camp together again, not even to the latrine. Kili, you obviously are not yet able to make sensible decisions so you will take an adult with you at all times to do just that."

Bilbo promised hand on heart he will listen, Kili did it slower and with a red face and he sat down very tight to his brother's side.

Gandalf was made to explain his absence and gave a riddle answer on the where were you. I was looking ahead. And what brought you back just in time? I was looking behind. Bilbo would have given up at that and left the wizard to his self satisfied puffing of his pipe but Thorin was made of sterner stuff and insisted he be more clear.

"I was scouting our road. It will soon become dangerous and difficult. I had not gone very far however when I met a couple of friends of mine from Rivendell."

"Where's that?" asked Bilbo before he could help himself.

"Don't interrupt!" said Gandalf, making Thorin frown at the wizard. "You will get there in a few days time and find out about it. As I was saying, I met two of Elrond's people. They were hurrying along in fear of trolls. They told me three of them had come down from the mountain and settled in the district, waylaying travellers. That's when I realised you lot were heading right to them and came back to warn you. Luckily I saw the glow of a fire and made for it or we would not be talking now."

"Lucky indeed," said Thorin. "We owe you our thanks Wizard."

"I had just delayed them. You lot did quite a good job of it yourselves and with little Bilbo there hiding their skewers they might have been making it until dawn yet."

Thorin turned his dark gaze onto little Bilbo who sat as always with the brothers. "Bilbo has proven himself to be quite the inventive lad." Was all he said in the end.

Suddenly Bilbo wished it was all over and he felt his stomach churn. Thorin who had been eyeing him was quick to react and had him up and out of the makeshift camp with only moments to spare before he lost his breakfast.

"Bilbo!" Gandalf who must have followed exclaimed. "What on earth is the matter boy?"

"What do you think!" Thorin, his hand on Bilbo's back was vicious. "You send a child into danger and he would just shrug it off? He is fifty years old Wizard, tell me you didn't know!"

Bilbo retched again.

"Bilbo." Gandalf exclaimed a second time with more confusion and Bilbo knew it had nothing to do with him feeling sick. "Ofcourse I know his age, Thorin."

"You could have told us! There is no way we would have taken him if we knew and just where is his parents!"

"Bilbo is an orphan." Gandalf replied calm against Thorin's storm. "And it is not your or anyone else's business to question a wizard. You were younger when you travelled from Erebor."

"By necessity, not choice!"

"But you survived and so will he. After all, he has thirteen guardians."

Who could do nothing against trolls. Bilbo retched dry heaves.

"Give me a moment with the lad I will have him calmed."

"I do not think so, he is stressed enough not to have to deal with your confustications."

"He is stressed because we are shouting above his head. That is the way of the young. Leave us a moment Thorin or do you think he will come to harm in my presence?"

Bilbo had no idea why the wizard did not give him away directly. He nodded wide eyed to Thorin's question whether he wanted to talk to the wizard alone and soon it was just the two of them. Gandalf looked at the mess he had made on the ground and moved them a way off to a cleaner location which happened to be farther from the dwarven ears.

"Explain."

"It was a joke that got out of hand." Bilbo stood small, not daring to raise his eyes from the Wizard's knees which was right on eye level. He explained how they kept teasing him for his size, barely reaching the smallest dwarfs chest and how when they mistook his age for being the same value as theirs he just went with it to make them feel bad for their jokes.

"I do not understand how Thorin did not turn around right then and there, how far were you from Hobbiton."

"He thought you must have had a good reason and was going to send me back with you if you didn't."

"Which he should."

Oh that didn't sound good. Bilbo peeked up to find a furious wizard face and quickly considered the knees again.

"What will you do?" He dared ask when he silence got too much.

"What you deserve. Come."

Bilbo considered running away again at that, he had just realised that it was not just Thorin's wrath he would have to deal with but twelve other dwarfs too. In the end he followed with quaking knees, his sore feet not helping any.

Thorin swept him up to his chest, "Mahal's sake Gandalf, look at his feet - you have to carry him Oin said!"

"Well then. You carry him and suit yourself." Gandalf said and Bilbo who had been grabbing onto Thorin's beard an 'I'm sorry!' on his tongue choked it back to twist around. He found an irritable Gandalf glowering at Thorin and wasn't that just the thing that saved him. "The two of you will make a fine pair."

At that Bilbo could have slept immediately, exhaustion finally overtaking him. The wizard was not going to tell on him, his reasons might be irritation with Bilbo and Thorin but it was good enough for Bilbo.

The night was not yet done with though, sunlight or no as Oin took him over to the stream for a bath which he did not let Bilbo do himself in order to get at every tiny thorny cut. A few of the dwarfs were doing their own washing up and the wizard sat on a grassy knoll puffing on his pipe. Bilbo did just the barest of protests at being handled before giving in under duress, not liking the wizard's thoughtful gaze at all.

They stayed at the camp for two days, sleeping eating making merry and recovering. The dwarfs dug holes for the treasure that they did not want to carry and Gandalf put magical wards on each hole to make it accessible to the group only. Bilbo was kept with his feet up or in the cool river and carried where he wanted to go at Oin's demand.

He was not left alone on his bedroll though. Nori played sleight of hand games with him even though Bilbo still held a bit of a grudge. Fili and Kili scratched figures in the dirt and used small river pebbles to entertain him with dwarven strategy games. Bifur carved him a toy, a wooden spool that you swung on a thread between two sticks, which was fascinating but put aside for when he himself can run after the spool got thrown accidentally across the camp for the so manieth time and no dwarf wanted to duck from it or fetch it yet again. There was dice and stories and singing and it all felt like a picnic.

Gandalf spent most of his time blowing smoke rings with Thorin, Balin and Dwalin and what they talked about was anyone's guess though only Bilbo was really curious when not kept busy. He realised he was one of the topics when Gandalf offered to take him to his ablutions oh the embarrassment was extreme!

"Only you, Bilbo Baggins would think to play child with dwarfs who does not hesitate to give you a sore bottom."

Oh you've heard. "It's not as if I didn't try to run away once I heard that." Bilbo answered sour faced when Gandalf set him carefully on his feet.

"Yes, I heard that too."

"Is that what you wanted to speak about Gandalf?"

"Yes. I am willing to take you back to Hobbiton if you so wish. This offer is only today for once we move on tomorrow it will not be possible to take you back and catch up easily again."

"Why would I want to go back?"

"To be an adult?"

Bilbo looked away. He kind of liked the situation as is.

"Oh." Gandalf eyed Bilbo in surprise. The little lonely hobbit, orphaned and made adult by uncaring relatives at such a young age that he might have missed out on a good portion of his childhood. Certainly he must miss the caring attention of parents.

"Oh what?" He crossed his arms now and pushed out his bottom lip. "What oh, Gandalf?"

"Oh don't be such a rude little hobbit, I will keep your secret. Perhaps you are in a need of a few spankings." Or hugs.

"I am not!" He stamped his hairy foot and winced in pain and Gandalf clicked his tongue.

"Oin will not be happy to see you do that. Off you go, go do your business little Bilbo and I will do mine."

And that was that. Gandalf ceased watching Bilbo the whole time which was a relief. His eyes did twinkle when he played dice with them but it didn't seem unkind.


	5. Chapter 5

They stayed two more days to rest up from their aches and pains. In this time Dwalin had decided to start everyone into daily sparring practice. He had held a meeting with Thorin supportively at his back declaring that it's been a while since they had a war and although most of the group were family they had no experience in fighting together. So he had decided that from now on there will be sparring for two hours every afternoon and another hour each evening. He would personally work with everyone to see their skills and needs.

Bilbo was not exempt. Bifur made him a wooden sword sized to be the same as the one he got from the troll hoard. Then he was set on the sidelines to watch and learn since Oin had not given him permission to walk far yet and he was given a list of sword care and fighting rules to memorise.

Then it was back on the ponies and back to being saddle bored though thank Yavanna not as bad as the first days. With Gandalf accompanying them much more of the conversation was in Westron and Bilbo was slightly better entertained listening to travel stories and jokes.

The troll larder was not going to hold but now that they had extra coin it was decided to pass through the nearest town to gather better supplies where before they were going to pass around. Bilbo knowing only Bree was beyond excited to see a town of men and pestered Fili and Kili for more detailed information which they were happy enough to provide.

No fighting no stealing. Thorin told the group, eyes on specific dwarfs, before they entered the town. No practicing burgling, he told Bilbo just to be sure the lad did not think to twist any words. No wandering off alone he told both Bilbo and Kili and it gave quite a few of those still bruised satisfaction to see both looking ashamed.

Xxxx

At first Thorin kept a tight hold on Bilbo's hand. He did not mind that since it gave him space to gape and gawk at the bustle around them without having to personally watch where they were going. The second time his toes got trampled though Thorin whisked him up in the air and settled him on his shoulders. Bilbo laughed delightedly at the new height — seeing faces instead of knees and chests was amazing.

They found stalls and Thorin set to browsing for clothes for his cousins who had lost their packs and Bilbo who needed more than what some wizards thought he would. A coat for rain and one for cold. Warm underwear and socks. Package on package was handed to the nephews who disappeared with it the moment Thorin thought out loud that he might be done with them and he told Bilbo who were grumbling about lunch that he needed shoes.

"I say…" Bilbo tried to protest the last, "Hobbits never wear shoes!"

"Not even while climbing snowy mountain sides?"

"We would never climb snowy mountains when we can be snug as a bug in front of our hearths. A pie in the oven and oh how my mouth water—"

"Hush now. You will get shoes and if you are very accommodating we might go in search for pie."

He was very accommodating. Sitting on Thorin's shoulders he held his feet for measurements and rested his chin on the dwarf's dark hair while the shoemaker exclaimed profusely and volubly about his curiously long and hairy feet.

"Enough, you will give the lad a complex." Thorin said at last and Bilbo who had been enjoying being the object of the man's amazement rolled his eyes. This was seen by the shoemaker as they were face to face — goodness he had forgotten — but the man only grinned and winked at Bilbo and apologized nicely to Thorin for upsetting his son.

Neither disabused the Man, Thorin for not being bothered to correct a stranger and Bilbo for no reason that he himself could fathom.

They were to come back for the shoes the next day (Bilbo secretly decided not to remind Thorin in case he forgot), and went off in search for the others. And pie, Bilbo reminded him. A food stall took care of the worst bit of hunger, meat folded into flat bread and Bilbo was made to walk while eating as Thorin did not think he would like greasy hair. They quibbled lightly over who had the better dining manners, Dwarfs or Hobbits but it seemed a fifty / fifty thing. Hobbits certainly ate more and faster versus the dwarfs who might be a bit messier but did not in fact pig out.

That decided they came onto Bifur and Bombur having an eating challenge with two men of similar girth. Bilbo ducked from a flying morsel and prepared to be dragged off with the two brothers as Thorin picked him up on an arm. "Money on the thin one, what's the going bet." Thorin asked their neighbour above the shouting. It was quickly realised that he must be a friend of the brothers and bets changed to follow his.

The dwarfs were a merry lot, more so with coin to spend and Bilbo enjoyed everything right alongside them.

They watched street performers with the nephews, Gandalf scoffing at the magic but not interfering in their fun. Stalls with what looked like everything under the sun were set under colourful awnings, the cool shade inviting slow perusal of the wares.

Bifur and Bofur was most interested in the toys and took Bilbo from Thorin's shoulders and made him try out everything with them. Bifur must have a thing for rabbits for he bought Bilbo a small interlocking rabbit puzzle. This time he had no choice but to listen to Bilbo's appreciative thanks and the dwarf rubbed his hobbity curls into a mess when done.

Most of all, he decided he loved the piping hot bath and soft bed in a room with a hearth and if he got some crumbs of cherry pie in the sheets there was no one but him to complain. Bliss.

You would think the journey should be continued at first light but there was quite a few thick heads that morning. Not Bilbo's for he dared not touch ale and let loose his tongue with the guilt he sometimes felt at being cared for. He snuggled deeper into the thick sheets though and while a few dwarfs looked in on him it was only to satisfy themselves that he was still there safe and sound where he was put.

After a lovely lunch they finally got back on the road everyone lolling contentedly on their ponies. Bilbo feeling heavy and satiated spurred his Myrtle on towards Thorin and just clambered over onto the surprised dwarf's lap for a nap.

He woke an hour later and snuggled back into the King's chest, saw that the great mountains had marched down very near to them. Already they seemed only a day's easy journey from the feet of the nearest. Dark and dreary it looked, though there were patches of sunlight on its brown sides, and behind its shoulders the tips of snow-peaks gleamed.

"Is that The Mountain?" asked Bilbo in a solemn voice, looking at it with round eyes. He had never seen a thing that looked so big before.

"Of course not!" said Balin. "That is only the beginning of the Misty Mountains, and we have got to get through, or over, or under those somehow, before we can come into Wilderland beyond. And it is a deal of a way even from the other side of them to the Lonely Mountain in the East where Smaug lies on our treasure."

"Oh," said Bilbo, and just at that moment he felt more tired than he ever remembered feeling before. "It's going to take us forever." He moaned and was promptly put back on Myrtle and sent to the nephews.

Xxx

They were following Gandalf now who said he knew the way but the Wizard looked around way too much this way and that for Bilbo's comfort. At least now that they had replenished their supplies there was no real hurry and they camped for the night at the bottom of a desolate slope that went slowly up and up to meet the feet of the nearest mountain. A wild land of moss and rock and nothing much else.

Morning came and they were roused too early by the Wizard to hurry up for the way was dangerous and this would not be an easy day. Breakfast was a rush of cold meats in thick bread rolls which would have been lovely with a coffee. Bilbo was ordered to the back with the nephews from the start.

"I mean don't get me wrong, it's nice not to have to be all prim and proper there up front but I didn't even say anything. Did you hear me complain?" He asked Kili who dutifully shook his head a no. He paused a moment to study Kili's lap. "That's because I didn't."

"Are you...complaining about not complaining?" Fili asked with a cough.

"No?" If Fili didn't know then he certainly wasn't going to say yes. He eyed Fili's lap in turn with a loud sigh. He could give it a try, what other options did he have, Kili was too fidgety, never still in body or mouth. Bilbo yawned. The road ahead looked even more dreadful than the day before, there's not even proper sunlight yet!

"Fili…"

"Yes sweetheart."

"Do you like me?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe!" Heads turned back to him but he did not care, what use is liking anyone if they didn't like him back?

"Well it depends."

" ."

"Oh don't get fussed, it's too early for that." Fili yawned also, stretched his arms out lazily before turning back to the conversation. "Like you like a little brother or like you like you, which one."

"I don't care anymore." He spurred Myrtle to Kili and climbed over, well practiced with the action by now. Kili not so much and he nearly tumbled them on the ground before he realised what's up and then truly did his best to provide Bilbo a lap to nap in. He got points for trying but not much else.

What followed was the worst day of travel yet. The slope was just as bad as he had feared and he decided to sleep past it. Well he did his best to do that anyway. He went from Kili - bony thighs to Nori but wished it was Dori, if only he knew him better. Nori whistled under his breath the whole time - I do not! - to Bifur who was big enough but too soft. Bofur and Bombur offered but honestly they were too fat, there was no place for him between their laps and their ponies heads and by the time he ended up in front his nerves was shot.

He should just have stayed awake for he only got more and more tired and it was not even lunch time yet. He jumped from Gloin to Thorin.

"It would have been your fault if I died." Bilbo grumped up at Thorin.

"Is that so." Thorin held on tight to Bilbo, waiting for his heart to settle back down. It was a horrible road, he had not been unaware of the lad's struggle to nap his way through the morning but they were busy trying not to get lost, searching for damned white stones and then just as the slope finally - finally! finished it opened up onto a sharp ravine the second the bloody hobbit jumped for his lap. He was seeing white and hoped the pony continued to ignore their antics and concentrated on its footing.

"Yes." Bilbo said. "Maybe."

"I cannot imagine how you survived until your present age."

"I stayed home a lot, I read and I had a vegetable patch in my garden."

"I saw your garden."

"It was dark when you came."

"It was light when we left. Your garden was very green, it must take a lot of work."

"Much." Bilbo would like to relax into the broad chest like he had so many days now but he was being squashed and the conversation was weird.

"Not much time left for burglary I would think."

That put him square back to being miffed, at least he knew how to answer that! "I've never burgled in my life, sir. I will have you know I am a respectable hobbit."

"Very good."

Bilbo waited but the King seemed to be done. What was that all about?

Every last one of them were sweating, for as monotonous as the slope was the morning so dangerous and wild was it now in the afternoon. Unexpected valleys that opened suddenly at their feet and deep down they saw trees and running water at the bottom. Dark bottomless ravines and deep gullies that you could jump over if you dared, green bogs that seemed pleasant when looking at it but a pony would surely walk in and never out again.

No one spoke much and even though he was kept securely in Thorin's arms there was no more thought of sleep.

They were looking for the Valley of Rivendell where Elrond lives in the Last Homely House. It had sounded wonderful in the morning, Gandalf promised they were expected and would be able to take a good rest to prepare for the next leg in the journey. Now they were not so sure they would ever reach it.

It was dusk when Gandalf finally called: "Here it is at last!" And everyone gathered around him. They saw a steep incline to a green valley below and their spirits rose markedly.

Gandalf went first, setting his horse on it's way down the incline with a happy whoop.

"Hang on tightly now," Thorin told Bilbo and shook him into a better position. "It will be a sorry thing if one of us come to harm so close to our goal. Stay safe lads!" He called over his shoulder and spurred his pony forward.

Half way down Bilbo asked, "Why are you not angry at me?" They were swaying and bumping their noses against the pony's neck, struggling with great effort to stay on top of the sliding horse and it surely was not the time but he had been mulling over that strange conversation and now, nearing the end of their day wanted to conclude it also.

"For?"

"Forget it." He was not going to bother if the King was going to pretend to be dumb.

Thorin sighed long and hard above his head, held on tightly when the pony stumbled and when they both got their breath back, said: "I am more angry at Gandalf than your idiotic stunts. Quiet now lad, it might change still."

"I do not care about your anger, Thorin." Laughed Gandalf sliding to their right. "Do not think to wonder about the ways of a Wizard, you have to live quite a few more years yourself before you can start to call me to account."

"How many years?" Bilbo wanted to know.

"As many as it takes you to learn not to interrupt, Bilbo Baggins!" Gandalf snapped. "Might be forever!"

Bilbo promptly joined Thorin in being angry at the Wizard.


	6. Chapter 6

Elves! Some were singing and calling them to join in the song while others were saying there was dinner just up ahead, they smelled the cooking fires already. The dwarfs were for going onwards while Gandalf had already jumped off his pony and was chatting and laughing in a group of ethereal...elves! Bilbo stared and stared and even forgot he was supposed to be angry at Gandalf — going as far as to ask Thorin to let him down, he would love to listen to their stories next to the Wizard.

"Not now."

"Whyy?"

"Because I said so." He kept tight hold on Bilbo and spurred his pony on.

Thankfully he had put enough fear into the snippy little hobbit by now that a certain tone of voice was enough to shut him up even if not convinced. There was no reason not to let Bilbo go off it was the safest valley for any child to run in but he still had blackout visions of the lad falling and preferred to keep hold of him a bit longer.

The elves were singing about them now. A frivolous song about their trip, what were they doing, where were they going tralalalala. It seemed made up on the spot. Thorin would not mind Elves if it wasn't for this sort of nonsense. Soon they would...oh no here came the jokes about their beards. Comments on who had the most lustrous beard among them to sexual innuendos of what the length of a beard might mean that had Bilbo in his arms giggling. He stopped quick enough when the elves called out to him personally: "Oh is that young Bilbo Baggins out of his little hole, on a pony my dear! How delicious!"

"How do they know my name…" Bilbo hissed up to Thorin and he just patted his shoulder.

"Elves always know a little too much if you ask me." Dwalin said in Khuzdul settling his pony to his right. In Westron he told Bilbo: "Gandalf told us, did he not? He met up with some friends from here. Gossipy old fart."

They were shown the correct way, for the path they were on would have taken them past their objective, and told to walk their ponies the last bit over the fast flowing river as it had only a narrow bridge of stone without railings.

The elves who were not singing followed to laugh and joke. Thorin who was still managing Bilbo (now fearing for the hobbit who had said before that his race sank like stones), was jokingly told not to dip his beard in the foam and to mind that Bilbo did not eat all the cakes for he was still too fat to fit through any keyholes.

Bilbo did not know if he should be unhappy about being called fat when that was a hobbit's proudest achievement, happy that there would be cakes or embarrassed at being singled out. He solved that problem by seeing the Wizard laughing with the elves and settled back on being angry at Gandalf.

They met Elrond, the master of the house and chief of the elves often described as fair in face as an elf-lord, as strong as a warrior, as wise as a wizard as venerable as a king of dwarfs and as kind as summer. Bilbo was introduced with the group and could directly tell the Elven Chief knew all, the piercing blue eyes resting on him thoughtful. Thorin was saying how do you do's for all of them, some of the dwarfs chorused after and Bilbo hid himself in the mass.

There was hot dinner for they were expected, set out in a huge dining hall. They only washed up their hands and faces before attacking it like hungry wolves doing their best to eat the day of fearful travel into a memory.

The last Homely House was magnificent. It was everything Bilbo had thought an elf's abode should be like and certainly satisfied that past curiosity. It also was enormous. Bilbo would have called it a castle any day of the week and being the shortest of them all swore it meant he had to walk double the distance when showed their rooms. Which was way too far from the dining hall and what is the point of eating if you are just going to exercise it away the moment you leave from the table. Is that why the tables groaned with food, to replenish the excessive exercise you were forced to endure just for a morsel?

"Gandalf! A word!" Thorin called after the Wizard before he could disappear into his rooms and followed on his heels. Bilbo stalled (also he would have liked to have a word!), but was stopped from following them by one of the dwarfs suddenly steering him with a hand behind his neck.

Dwalin it was, he realised aghast when above his head orders were belt out like a true military leader organizing the barracks. He sorted out who slept where, swept Bilbo's pack up from the others before he could do it himself and steered him into a room.

"I would like to have a word too, laddie. Before you slept," said Dwalin, closing the door behind him.

"About what sir."

Damn the little snot was fast, he used that moment of inattention to duck from under his hand and out of reach before the sir was out, turning lightning fast to watch him warily.

"This little habit of yours that nearly got our king killed today." Dwalin answered and the lad promptly retreated further back. He was not stopped by the big bed at his back but of all things scrambled under it through to the other side. The elves kept a clean house for he saw no more dust on the kid than what the road had caused and approved.

"It did not!"

"Down the ravine with broken necks and shattered bones I saw you both. Since I don't know you well enough yet I would probably not cry much but my cousin is dear to my heart."

"Thorin said he wasn't angry!"

"He doesn't have to be angry for me to be taking you to task." Dwalin did not feel like playing evade and catch around the bed. "Come put your feet right here." He pointed to the tile in front of his own, absently admiring the delicate stonework. Elves. Loads of time on their hands. "I will not fetch you."

"Well I will not go there." Tiny fists crumpled the bed sheets in front of him, but Dwalin cared not one whit for his distress. "You can talk from there," Bilbo continued smartly, "I can hear you fine."

Oh Mahal. Next time keep hold you idiot. A little thing like that could evade you in this room for hours. Oh, remember that in training.

"What I will do is count to three." Dwalin said in the slow voice he would use on a skittish animal, any faster and it just increased their stress and went right past their ears. "If you are not here by that time I will go to that door," he pointed to the outer door, "and call the whole party in here to come help catch you." Ha, look at the eyes popping out! And Balin say he had no skills in politics. "Since Thorin is their king too and also dear to their hearts (he was not so sure about Nori) they might even want to watch me take you to task."

"What," Bilbo swallowed hard, "what is the task going to be…"

"We will talk a bit." Hope flickered up in the small face but Dwalin wasn't about to lie to get his way, he had dealt with enough kids in his nephews and their friends to know this was a no. "After I will take my belt to your legs." At that Bilbo moaned and pushed his face into the silky materials.

"One."

"I want to come but I can't!" he shouted his desperation.

"What stops you."

"My legs!"

"Your legs were working just fine to run away." He said and across from him Bilbo nodded it was true, and begged him not to call the others.

Tears were now streaming down the small face and if he was going to relent in the punishment he had planned out it would be because he looked ever so young.

Dwalin had been simmering for a couple of hours though and just needed to remember his king's bloodless face, a death mask looking down the ravine at what could have been his grave and hardened his heart. "Are you going to stand still to let me fetch you or should I count more."

"Stand!" he wailed and Dwalin crossed the room without ado.

He did not fetch him but simply picked him up to sit him down again on the high elven bed, to not have to crouch down to speak. There was a bit of confusion as the sheets that the lad held on to tangled everywhere but a snapped 'let go' sorted it.

"You need to listen very well now." Dwalin took a step back to give him breathing space. Crying space more like it. "After today I don't want to see you ever jump from pony to pony like that again, at some point our luck are going to run out so let it not be from something that could have been prevented! If you want to sit with anyone, you are welcome but you use the mouth Mahal gave you and ask, then you wait for whatever dwarf you chose to pick you over or not. Is that clear?"

Bilbo nodded furiously through his sobs but when Dwalin asked him to repeat what he had just said he cried louder only and said he did not know. Oh for...beating this mess will have no use! "Come, I will be giving you your bath."

"Whyy!" Bilbo wailed right into his ear, tiny arms grabbing a chokehold around his neck.

"To calm you down."

The room was the same as the first they had examined, the bathroom attached through a second door. Dwalin carried the crying hobbit there and made him do his ablutions while he filled the stone tub with hot water and used the flowery oils set prettily on the shelf. When you travel as much as they did then you did not pull your nose up at any little comfort offered.

He had to undress Bilbo mostly by himself, the crying having started anew when he gathered him from the toilet. He did it as quick and efficient as he knew how and popped him into the hot water.

The elves were spoiled.

Blessed hot water directly from a tap.

No wonder they called this house homely.

"Leave off with all this crying now lad, you need to save some tears for after your beating."

This had the opposite effect. "You can't punish me for a new rule." Bilbo wailed.

"Really. What did Thorin say about anything that might hurt yourself or others?" He soaped a cloth vigorously but applied it more carefully to his trembling body.

"But that's him, not you, he didn't say anything about today."

Dwalin clicked his tongue and refrained from telling him that Thorin at that moment was probably shouting at one Wizard to take one Hobbit back. And likely not because he could have died himself but because Bilbo might have. Instead he bathed the lad and limb by limb repeated his earlier words until he had practically memorized it.

Dwalin finished up with Bilbo drowned in a fluffy towel, now quiet. He set him on the bed, spilled his travelbag out to find a clean enough shirt for sleep. He had also taken the time turned away as opportunity to remove his belt. The worst sound ever from his own childhood, the slither of leather through cloth, he used to spare the nephews that and now did the same.

They were not on the road so there was no reason to be careful, if he had trouble sitting for a day or so it would only reinforce his lesson. Which was think before you act or my belt will be your brain.

Bilbo stared in shock at the leather set momentarily next to him. His 'noo!' came muffled through the shirt Dwalin pulled over his head and he struggled belatedly to get away.

"Yes. We will not bother with pants, I think. You won't be wanting them anyway."

"I want them!" Was the last coherent thing he said as Dwalin, tired of all, now twisted him over onto his stomach, legs half dangling over the bed, and with a keep down elbow on his back proceeded to do what he had intended all along.

It was not the same as smacking a sturdy dwarfling of the same age. The hobbit was tiny, he knew that already but what fat he had was falling fast away with the travels and the bones looked delicate.

Even so he did not hesitate to bring the belt down hard on his target, the sound sharp in their ears and Bilbo howled his anguish to the same walls.

With the second smack he screamed murder and the door opened on a worried Dori looking in to see what's the matter. He closed it again without saying a word and must have stood sentry outside then for no one else came to look.

Bilbo now had both hands back and Dwalin tsked at the absent Thorin for not doing the business well.

He took one little hand and turned it over where it was, palm up. "Keep your hands away." He smacked down with the tip of the belt smartly twice and took up the other hand. "Hands!" He smacked the belt down again on the left palm and was going to repeat it but both hands flew away to hide beneath his body. He only had to do that once more during the spanking before Bilbo finally got the idea, and no more fingers were in danger of being crushed by the striking belt.

Dwalin then set about the spanking in a methodical way and when he finally put the belt aside and examined his efforts, his bottom was a swollen red and the backs of his thighs had an array of welts that would still be reminding him days on.

"We are done, Bilbo."

The cries intensified.

"You can rub if you want." Horrible idea as Bilbo would soon find out, worse with his hands having been spanked too but he said it more so the lad could understand that it was truly over.

He patted the small back a bit, while Bilbo cried.

Then fetched a mug of water, encouraged him to drink a few sips, wet a cloth and wiped Bilbo's face making him blow his clogged nose too.

And still Bilbo cried.

He set about organising the spilled pack, sorted the clothes needing mending from those just dirty and put the best set aside for the next day.

Bilbo continued to cry.

Dwalin gathered the fallen little trinkets Bilbo had collected so far in his travels up onto the small table next to the bed, found the Bunny Cloth and popped it into one of the tightly clenched fists. He was starting to understand how Thorin took an hour to whip the kid and still show no marks. The lad seemed to be crying in his sleep now so he settled him into a better position on the bed and pulled the soft sheets over him with a sigh.

Hobbits are too soft. Hopefully Thorin had convinced Gandalf to take this one back.

"I have not." Thorin said. He lowered the bedsheets and took in Dwalin's handiwork. "Gandalf insists he would not do anything without a purpose and we should just get with the program. Elrond came to see what the fuss was, you were making so much noise." He settled the sheet again and Bilbo moaned in his sleep, managing yet another sob. "You should have heard Dori. He is being reprimanded for nearly killing our King…" Thorin said, mimicking Dori's sometime snobbish tone near exact. "Anyway. He is taking Gandalf's side and refuse to let us leave Bilbo here, seems Elrond and our venerable Wizard go way back." He snorted. "Their individual age is more than all of ours combined thrice over I was told — by Gandalf — and I should bow to the wisdom of my elders. Senile more like it."

"You think?"

"No." Thorin sighed again. "Probably not."

"Then he is with us to the very end."

"And beyond, have you thought about it? We will have our mountain. Which one of us would leave it and bring him all the way back?"


	7. Chapter 7

"The trick with uncle Dwalin's punishments is," Kili took a big bite out of his apple, no he was not tired of apples yet, and crunched it slowly eyeing the sorry little hobbit, "to always get it at night."

"What?"

"He lets you go to bed directly if it is night." Kili grinned. "Daytime and you have to get on with your chores as soon as you're done crying."

"That's not much help at all." Bilbo who had been hoping for a lotion recipe, sulked back into his pillow. He had refused to get up for breakfast and the apple Kili had brought him was still untouched on the table. Moving was a literal pain and he felt he could only manage the bathroom. Barely. There he had spilled more tears checking himself out in the mirror, it was horrible! Worse than Kili before and probably because Dwalin cared more about dwarfs than hobbits.

"Here's another trick. Avoid them."

"How when you don't even know they are coming!"

"Did you think yesterday that uncle Thorin was going to smack you but he didn't?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know."

"Well then next time you are confused, just know uncle Dwalin will definitely not be." He crunched another bite and swallowed before grinning. "No maybe I don't know about it."

Xxx

Ori came and set some sweets next to the apple. "The elves have a huge kitchen and loads of sugar. When you feel better we can go make some toffee for the road. Have you ever had toffee apple?"

"Candy apples only."

They compared recipes and found it to be the same thing. Also agreed that calling it candy might be nearer the mark than toffee.

Xxx

Bifur came with a real rabbit and set it next to Bilbo's pillow. Bilbo ran his hands through the soft fur while Bifur said some things in khuzdul. There was no one to translate but it didn't sound like a remonstration.

Bilbo secretly thought Bifur might have found the kitchen too and stole this one away from a pot. After a good while of letting Bilbo pet it he took the rabbit away again. Was he going to put it back or let it go free? No way to ask unless he tried miming, a too vigorous activity for his present state.

He pulled the rabbit hanky that had somehow found its way into his bed in the night from under his pillow and showed it shyly to the dwarf who seemed to get the gesture well enough if his broad smile was an indication.

Xxx

Nori came to eat one of his sweets. He just stood looking at Bilbo and when Bilbo pulled the blankets over his head he heard Nori snort.

Xxx

A gentle cough made Bilbo peek out again only to find Elrond standing next to his bed.

"Oh!" He sat up unthinking. "Oooh ow ow ow!" There was no other option but to twist to the side, off his bum as fast as he could for he could not stand the burn but neither could he lay down with his host come to….to what?

"Easy there little Bilbo. I came to check up on you only."

"Uhm?"

"Do you need help with the dwarfs?"

"What kind of help?" He looked around Elrond to find them alone but even so thought it better to tack a sir on.

"Whichever kind you need. Are you being abused. Do you need saving?"

"Oh. Oh no no no no. This was all my own fault."

"Was it? Be aware that I well know the ages of Hobbit's and was also informed by Gandalf that this was your choice. If any of that is not true then you need only tell me and apply for help."

"I...thank you. I don't need help. I mean I would like them to be less smacky but …" oh Yavanna how horrible is this conversation. "You know about our ages?"

"Yes."

"And the other elves?"

"Probably some. We don't tend to interfere if not asked, so you may relax about that if it is your fear."

"This is so embarrassing." Bilbo wished he had a hole to crawl into.

"Is it?"

"At some point they are going to find out or figure it out and then they will hate me!" This is not what he had wanted to say at all. What!?

"I suspect they might be upset but will get over it and forgive you. You appear young even despite your age, Bilbo Baggins and there is some times when physical age does not count as much as emotional and they might realise that."

Had he just been called childish?

"I tell you what. I will be informing the dwarfs that while your company reside in my house there should be no more … smackings, our delicate constitutions does not agree with violence." He smiled not unkindly. "At minimum it would give your bottom respite."

Xxx

Bombur brought him steak and kidney pie. He also plucked him out of bed, stuck a fork in his hand and told him to eat. "It does not matter to your stomach whether you sit or stand laddie."

He was right at that.

Xxx

In the end no one really said he was unfairly punished, but neither did they say the opposite. Dwalin seemed to be above reproach.

If they all knew and even Elrond then why was Thorin ignoring him? Was it a silly thing to think a king should come to sympathize at his bedside? He thought not.

When Thorin finally did come it was with Dwalin and Bilbo promptly pulled the covers over his head.

There was silence. Were they conferring on a combined attack? Bilbo slowly moved the covers away from one eye. Thorin was standing at the window looking out and Dwalin sat in the soft armchair, thoughtfully turning an apple over in his hands.

A glance to the table confirmed it. "That's my apple."

"Alright." He stretched out to put it back where he had found it and settled back into the chair. "Are you ready to come out?"

At the window Thorin turned and Bilbo quickly hid again.

Quiet.

Were they just going to sit there until he moved? He could always try to take a nap, that will show them. Let them sit for hours. He tried but it got stuffy under the sheets and he desperately needed a mouth hole. He spent a bit of time trying to make a tunnel for air without them noticing.

Still quiet. Had they left?

"Honestly," Dwalin said softly to Thorin in Khuzdul and nodded his head to the fruit and candy filled bedside table. "Look at that, all he needs is flowers." He snorted.

"Hm."

"I want Dwalin to go!" Came muffled from the bed. "I don't want to see him!"

"Change your tone, if you please Bilbo." Thorin sighed from his place. "We've come to fetch you for sparring practice. You've been in bed long enough."

Something even more muffled from the bed that was most likely swearing. Dwalin coughed a laugh and Thorin pointed him out.

"Spoiled," Dwalin said in Westron but did as told. Now if only Bilbo was as accommodating.

"How could I be spoiled if you guys smack me whenever I breathe wrong," Bilbo asked as soon as the door closed behind his cousin, one eye visible again.

"Yes, I can see where you would think that. You've been with us now little over two weeks, right? Three spankings is quite a lot for that time period." He sat down in the armchair Dwalin had just vacated. "You might consider though that the first two was in the very first two days and with that reasoning you managed to go at least ten or twelve days without any punishment, meaning you did a very good job following the rules until yesterday."

"There wasn't any rule about not jumping to someone else's pony. You saw me do it the whole time and you could have stopped me in the beginning."

"Because you weren't doing it dangerously until the last one. Up to then we weren't aware that it wasn't mindful jumps. That it was thoughtless, spoilt brat that just wanted his own way ones."

"I don't think it's fair to call me spoiled. Who spoiled me, my parents? I haven't had any for years and if it is you dwarfs then you're blaming me for your own actions."

"You are right."

"I am?"

"Yes, I apologize for saying you are spoiled and will change it to indulged."

"I don't think you can spoil someone and beat them at the same time." Bilbo still felt the need to press on.

"We can philosophize about that at some time, sure." Both eyes were visible now. "For now I came to fetch you to spar."

"It hurts too much to move."

"Walking and getting active will do you good, get the stiffness out lad."

"Have you seen it!?"

"Show me."

"No!"

"Well." Thorin sat up. "So far I've said let's go spar and you said no," he raised his hand and a finger, "now it is another no on let me see," added another finger. "I am giving you this two in sympathy for your current plight, but just because we are not actively on the road now does not mean you should start disobeying instructions, Bilbo Baggins."

"Did Elrond maybe talk to you already?"

"Elrond is not on the list of people I take orders from." It was very funny to hear the words 'less smacky' come from the Elf Lord. "Now, Bilbo."

At that Bilbo stood up in bed with all the aggression of someone in a huff and raised the back of his shirt.

"Nice." Bloody hell Dwalin!

"Nice!" Bilbo twisted around.

"Bilbo. Your action nearly caused our deaths. It is as simple as that. Every stripe on your legs is Dwalin telling you you scared him greatly."

"He hit my hands too…" Bilbo held them out palm up. Of all they were the least tender and you probably had to know his hands very well to even notice the swelling. He also did not know why he wanted all slights accounted for. Sometime his mouth did not ask his opinion.

Thorin surprised him by standing up and coming to inspect each one in turn.

Xxxx

"Oin!" Thorin snapped. "Go put some of your bruise balm on Bilbo. Dwalin! Go with him and see that the hobbit complied."

It was never a request. Dwalin stood up, leaving his mending and followed Oin to Bilbo's room. They picked up the balm on the way, foul smelling stuff that cut bruise time in half and pulled the pain too. They've all used it after battles and more.

Bilbo on seeing the enforcer with Oin and hearing that the activity was directed by His Highness Thorin himself, stuck his face in a pillow and let them at it.

His bottom was a swollen mass of blue and Oin sighed in his beard. He explained the ointment to Bilbo before dropping dollops of it on the tortured skin and spreading it about with his fingertips. Soft as he was trying to be it was still too much, Bilbo moaned on first contact and called ow! ow! ow! into the pillow on the rest. Dwalin, standing aside saw what the king wanted him to.

"I apologize, Bilbo. Seems I have been very hard on your bottom."

"What?" Bilbo turned his tomato red face out of the pillow to gape at him in shock.

"You are well within your right to complain lad, that must be extremely sore. I am sorry, I was too harsh."

"I didn't complain!" Bilbo called, taking offense where he should have been gloating at the dwarf brought low. "Who said I complained?"

"No one said you did, laddie." Oin interrupted them. "I am done, stay a bit like this so the ointment won't rub off." He set the rest of the balm on the small table with instructions to repeat when he felt sore again before leaving with a glare to Dwalin. This was not a horrible spanking considering the offense but it was to a tiny hobbit and Oin as a healer was against causing harm.

"No one said you complained, I meant you are within your rights to do so if you wished."

"You … Thorin doesn't leave any marks."

"Thorin is much too soft."

"You just said you were too hard!"

"One does not preclude the other. You do not have to accept my apology, Bilbo Baggins but I am not going to keep apologizing. What I will do to make up for this harsh beating is count this as a double punishment, you can tell the next person that wants to smack you that I said not to bother for you are one ahead."

"What do you mean the next person, are you all going to smack me!? You can't — they can't…!" Bilbo promptly burst into tears, wailing: "I don't want to be smacked by everyone!"

Which was fair. Dwarfs tended to keep an eye on each other's children as a community but they did not go about punishing one that's not their own. Dwalin had acted as second in command more than anything else but Bilbo did not fall into anyone's family so lines were unclear and another might do the same as the adult authority.

He patted and pacified the upset hobbit that he will have a meeting and make sure that all incidents would be referred to himself or Thorin.

"Only Thorin."

"No."

Xxxx

With both Thorin and Dwalin having apologized to him, the ointment doing a wonderful job of taking the ache away (that he had thought was there for life), he at last ventured out of the room.

The day outside was sunny but a cool breeze flowed through the valley, ruffling his curls and Bilbo did not feel unhappy. Around him dwarfs and elves were mingling, discussing swords and bows and the best way small groups such as theirs should defend and attack, all thankfully in the common language and very interesting.

Delicate constitutions indeed. Bilbo watched an elf demonstrate the proper way to chop a taller person's head off to Bofur. He wondered idly when or where the elf had found someone taller than him to learn that particular skill.

He found Ori sitting on a bench the most calm and settled next to him but the ointment wasn't magic and he quickly got up to lean into his side instead. Ori leaned companionably back into him and continued to write down what he heard, interspersing it with fast mini sketches of fighting scenes. Bilbo loved everything writing and exclaimed his awe of Ori's prowess easily. His own writing was spidery at best no matter how he practiced.

He was not left in peace for long though. Someone had brought his little wooden sword and Dwalin came to fetch him with it.

"It still chafes if I walk, Dwalin, can I not be excused?"

"No laddie. You will thank me later I am sure. Fights are no game, there will be lots of aches and pains that you must push through, sometimes it feels your arms will fall off even so you can get a little practice in today on how to overcome discomfort."

"Bilbo." Ori interrupted and held the parchment he was busy with up for his private perusal. It clearly depicted what was a hobbit impaling a wooden sword into a dwarf's eye. There was no colour but the blood and gore showed in harsh splotches and the bearded face looked suspiciously like Dwalin's. "Go have some fun."

It was fun. No one expected him to be proficient and he was not scolded for anything.

Despite Dwalin's declaration, dwarfs and elves alike simply paused to chat about moves when ever he reached back to hold an aching bum (He tried to minimize that embarrassment but even his softest pants pulled and tugged with the movement against the abused skin and today his hands were in partnership with his mouth). Then they would get on with it as natural as you please and not once anyone made an unkind comment to Bilbo.

It appeared the word of the day was teamwork and he was taught how to fight alongside someone and use his size to advantage, stabbing low while they fought above his head. (He feared certain decapitation if ever they fought a real enemy.)

His job was being a pest, Kili laughed when they had a turn together. A little wasp, distracting the enemy before the bear ate them. He accidentally stabbed Kili in the thigh making him roar like a real bear and for his trouble got bumped in turn from behind. Thorin instantly pulled Kili away by the ear at Bilbo's loud 'ow!' and took his place.


	8. Chapter 8

They stayed with the elves for two weeks. There was an abundance of food and song, sharing of tactical knowledge, poring over the route as to the best ways and what places to avoid. Clothes and packs were mended and added to as needed and ponies rested.

Quite a bit of their days were taken up by practice but it wasn't as exhausting as Bilbo had feared, the travel before had given him surprising stamina making him now just tired enough to sleep well.

Midsummer's eve came and they were to depart the next morning and Bilbo wished he could stay there forever. It would likely not be the same though without the dwarfs. The elves being long lived was not the most exciting of hosts, singing and dancing did only entertain for a period.

They did have the benefit of experience though and the dwarfs took in the advice given and adjusted their plans according. Elrond also knew all about runes. All about any rune ever made Ori said in awe and that night they showed him their swords from the troll hoard.

Elrond read the runes reverently and guessed the trolls had plundered them from other plunderers as the swords were forged for the High Elves of the West and used in the Goblin wars.

Thorin's sword was Orcrist - the Goblin cleaver and Gandalf had Glamdring - Foe-hammer that the king of Gondolin once wore. Everyone looked in awe and Thorin said: "May they cleave goblins soon again!" Which Bilbo thought was the worst thing to wish, not because the goblins would be slayed but because it meant they would be doing the slaying. It was probably left over vigor from all their sparring sessions.

"You will get that wish soon enough in the mountains," said Elrond. "Now show me that map!"

It was a map Bilbo had not seen before and he gathered closer to look also, Elrond stared at it a long time in the silver crescent moonlight.

"It say 'five feet high the door and three may walk abreast' so no need for young Bilbo to be crawling through any keyholes." He grinned down at Bilbo and held the map so that he could see also. "Then there are moon-letters here."

"Where, I cannot see," Bilbo asked excited.

"Hush," said Gandalf to Bilbo and friends of hobbits or not that was the last straw, making Bilbo glare angrily up at the wizard, why was he always the one to be hushed?

"Here." Elrond settled on one knee which now made him dwarf height and still taller than Bilbo could ever hope to be but he held the map over both their heads to the moon and pointed out the most amazing silvery runes to him. "The dwarves invented it, Ori can tell you more later but it is penned in a special ink on a specific day of the moon cycle and then after depending on the type of secrecy they wanted can only be read on a moon of the same shape or season."

"What's these say?" Bilbo asked keeping one eye on Gandalf.

"Stand by the great stone when the thrush knock," read Elrond, "and the setting sun of the last Durin's Day will shine on the keyhole." He passed the map to Bilbo and rose. Above his head they were discussing Durin, Thorin said he was the father of one of the eldest dwarf races, the Longbeards and his direct ancestor.

"So when is Durin's day?" Elrond asked him.

"On the first day of the last moon of autumn. We used to have great feasts as it was our new year but I don't think any of us have the knowledge anymore."

"We'll see," said Gandalf taking the map without a by your leave. He gave it back to Thorin and they went down to the water to watch the elves sing and dance.

Xxx

Bilbo ended up stomping next to Dwalin (fuming) and it was seeing the King's right hand dwarf that an idea struck him. He instantly pulled the dwarf to fall back with him. Well he pulled at the dwarf and the dwarf decided to fall back with him, should be said instead. No matter how much he gained strength in their little mock skirmishes, they were still mountains to his mouse.

"Tell me." The dwarf smiled down easily.

"I still have the one free pass on a punishment, is that right?"

"Free…" he frowned. Bilbo patiently gave him a moment to remember, after all it's been a while and Dwalin certainly had his age against him. Just yesterday he had heard the dwarf was a full hundred and sixty nine! "yessss sure. Do you have anything to confess?"

"No. Not yet. But you are very sure and you will stop Thorin or anyone else."

"No one else will punish you, we've been over this. Reprimands is something we all get and accept and you can too."

"Yes Dwalin, I get that but you must be ready to actually stop anyone please."

"Just what is it you are planning."

"I didn't mean you should stop me — ha!"

"Don't get cute on me."

"No sir." Bilbo pulled his sweetest tone out, he wasn't going to ruin the free pass on an attitude check! "I apologize." He bowed low and backed away as fast as his feet could take him.

Should Dwalin interfere now it would be against the spirit of the thing. Why could he not just have done whatever without asking! Damn the lad. He would have to follow and save then.

It quickly became obvious the target was Gandalf.

"Yooouu!"

The sopping wet Gandalf stalked Bilbo with stretched out arms, bony hands turned twisted claws, ready to grab.

"Yooouu!"

Dwalin grabbed Bilbo first and swung him smartly in behind him. He had learned a few lessons himself by now and kept hold of a small arm.

"Let me have him Dwarf!"

"I think not, Gandalf. Calm yourself a moment." He sounded not so calm himself, his voice had a definite - oh Mahal I am disagreeing with a Wizard - quiver to it. Bravery (without fear just foolishness), for the company, forever after held Dwalin's face.

"Calm myself!"

"If you please," he said and stood open eyed waiting to be struck down into a toad.

"I will show you calm!"

"If you very please."

"Gandalf," Thorin stepped up now. "Elves have gone to get towels and hot drinks. Perhaps we should move this aside to let them have their party?"

It was not as if the merriment had stopped. They were stuck in a crackling bubble of wrath while around them laughter continued, more songs might be being made up on the spot and would certainly feature some interesting jokes about wet wizards. Perhaps a few might think it was an accident and add some songs about how best to avoid clumsy hobbit feet when at the shores of icy lakes. Dwalin tried to make one up while Gandalf sputtered but drew an honest blank.

"Just for your information, Gandalf." Bilbo stuck his head through Dwalin's elbow. "It was not an accident."

"Retreat." Thorin breathed at his second in command but need not have. Dwalin was not his second because there was no other options available, he had Bilbo tucked under that same elbow and was exiting the area with magnificent haste.

"Why could you not have let him think it was an accident, lad!" Dwalin scolded Bilbo whilst setting him on a log.

"You said no punishment!"

"I remember. No need to shout lad just tell me why?"

"You said no punishment, Dwaliiiin. That's whyy."

"And you took that as permission to give a Wizard a dunking, I get that. I want to know why you gave him that dunking. You don't have to cover your bum, I did say no punishment, you can take me at my word."

"I have no authority over my arms at the moment." The little snot who was going to cause all of their deaths said seriously. "If it's any consolation my brain believes you."

"Brains control the body."

"That's what they say but how would we truly know."

"Science. If you chop someone's head off their body stops moving quite fast."

"No-one's head will be chopped off, burning blistered bottoms now is a different story." Thorin threatened from the dark. "What-the-everloving-hell-Bilbo-was-that. Explain."

"Dwalin said I will not be punished."

"It's his free pass." Dwalin told his leader who looked ready to refute and caught Bilbo who jumped for the safe haven of his arms. He put him right back on the log. "There's nothing to fear so you may stand on your own."

"My legs…"

"Your legs can listen to me if they don't want to listen you."

"Have you two taken leave of your senses."

"Somewhat. How's our Wizard."

"I am fine. Thanks for asking."

This time his arms was ready for Bilbo and if he used the little thing as a shield in front of his body no one need ever know.

"I am not sorry!"

"The elves brought hot towels and hot drinks that really warms you up well, I advise all adults to try it sometime. Without being dunked in icy water before." He had lost the thunder and lightning crackle and both dwarfs wondered if they could get some of that drink and the soonest. "Mind telling me what I did to deserve that, young Bilbo? I am inferring from your face that it was not for fun and you yourself have so recently told us it was not accidental."

Dwalin tried to set Bilbo back down, a futile venture and embarrassing to continue the struggle against the octopus limbs so settled for being his perch.

"I don't have to tell you."

"We're not leaving here until you do." Thorin declared and a miffed little face the result.

"It's okay, I like it here."

"Bilbo," Thorin said, "you are being quite mistaken if you think the free pass covers anything more than dunking Gandalf. Answer my question."

"Fine. He always tells me off! Hush Bilbo and don't interrupt Bilbo when I did not need any hushing at all! Should I just never say anything when he is around then?! Also! A normal person would ask: are you done with that map, Bilbo and not just grab it off me!" Dwalin got an elbow in the chest and a kick where he did not want one. He stood stoically, only grabbing hold of the hairy foot to stop a second kick while Thorin winced for his pain.

"I do not."

"You do so!" Bilbo shouted and Dwalin left off with the foot to pat the tiny back, nearly saying hush and biting his tongue just in time. "And you don't do it to them or I could just say oh well, you're just a rude Wizard! You only do it to me and then turn around and dare call me your little friend! I don't need friends like that I already have Lobelia!"

"You dare!"

Dwalin took a step back and Thorin moved in front of them.

"Lobelia!" Shouted Bilbo, living his moment on the edge.

To the bewilderment of Dwalin and Thorin the Wizard fizzled out. "Proudfoot, surely?"

"Sackville-Baggins, wife of Otho and mother of Pimple."

"I don't think you can take me to task if you're calling others Pimple."

"He is a horrid little hobbit and should have been eaten at birth. He may even be eaten yet!" Bilbo said uncaring. Pimple had done many unspeakable things to Bilbo and their peers and he was still alive too so there was undoubtedly more to come.

Gandalf yawned and pushed them aside to settle down on the log. "Well I am sorry."

"..."

"I did not notice, Bilbo that my treatment of you was less than exemplary and I apologize."

"Really?" Bilbo asked incredulous. Dwalin gave him a light shake.

"Yes. I don't think I deserved a dunking though but if … Lobelia?"

"Perhaps not so much her in all things. Rudeness certainly and mhpfg!"

"What Bilbo's mouth is not letting his brain say," Dwalin had no trouble sounding serious saying that nonsense while holding his hand over the hobbit's mouth, "is thank you Gandalf, he accepts your apology and is sure you will try your best in the future to improve in your dealings with him."

"I will."

"Then it's perhaps bedtime for us." Thorin gave Dwalin an clandestine push. "We will send some elves to help you back to your own."

"That is kind," the Wizard yawned again.

They said their goodnights to Elrond, Thorin staying back a moment to enquire about getting that hot drink themselves while Dwalin, still covering Bilbo's mouth trotted them off.

"Perhaps not quite the same one." Elrond smiled down at him. "I will have something sent to your room."

Xxx

"Stop giving free passes." Thorin poured himself a second glass. "My hand is itching so much right now."

"Same." Dwalin took up the bottle. "Did you see the scorched patch of grass?"

"Yes."

"We owe Elrond."

"A debt the whole treasury can't repay." He swallowed the golden liquid as one and coughed. "Did you see his face?"

"Who." They all had faces.

"Gandalf rising like Morgoth from the water, with that...that lily over his one eye…"

"It will fuel my nightmares for years to come."

"It's good he had a free pass." He held his empty glass out to Dwalin. "We wouldn't have got away for a month waiting for him to be able to sit again if you had let me at him."

"Bah you're just talk." He poured his King's glass to the brim, that was too much words still. "You're too soft."

"Am not."

"Are too."

Later, much later, both of them half zoned on Dwalin's bed, Thorin never going to be able to reach his own they wondered how bad this Lobelia must be that Wizards trembled in disgust. Poor Bilbo, what must he have endured.

"If you very please…" Thorin cackled half asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Up and over the mountains they needed to go.

"Two weeks off a pony." Gloin sighed where he was riding close by. "T'was heaven. How are you doing over there lad."

"If you complain a little louder then I can join." Bilbo grinned. They had had a lovely farewell breakfast, Myrtle was frisky and the morning air smelled sweet. The mountain was daunting but they wouldn't reach it for days yet. Give it a bit and a pony would fart, sweat would gather in places that should remain unnamed and he did not know if the saddle sore days were past or starting anew but he had some ointment snuck away in case.

Xxx

"Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt." Dori breathed in awe and fear. "Stone Giants!"

"What?" Bilbo strained forward on the ledge to see and someone grabbed the back of his wet shirt pulling him back. He was proud to be used to heights now. You either kept crying or you adjusted and he might have done the former a month ago but now, after so many days climbing up and up, he pushed against the storm to see what Dori was pointing out. It sounded like the ordinary rumble of thunder and then lightning illuminated the scene and he gaped in awe.

Two mountains grown arms and legs, plucking boulders off the neighbouring mountains and throwing bits and pieces of themselves at each other in what looked like a game.

"We can't stay here, Gandalf!" Thorin yelled above the noise. "I don't want us to be plucked off next!"

"Why are you telling me this, do you want me to magic us away!?"

Everyone waited a beat to see if he was going to do it and he called them fools. "Fools!" He repeated louder for the ones in the back.

"Fili! Kili! You have the youngest eyes go scout ahead for a better shelter!" Thorin thundered up his own storm. The nephews hurried off as fast as they could on the slippery rock (which was a snail's crawl) and Bilbo tucked himself back under Gloin's wing glad to be too young for a change. Well it could be Oin's wing. Rain pierced like needles and he needn't look up and lose an eye as one dwarf was good as the other. He shivered and his teeth chattered, even with a coat on they were all of them wet through to the bone.

Now they were straining to see with every lightning flash whether the sound was thunder or a rock thrown in their direction and it was a relief when the scouts came back telling of a cave.

"You're sure it is safe, you've scouted it properly? You were very fast!" Gandalf worried.

"It's not deep, we saw what we could without flame." Fili shrugged. "Better than here?"

They upped and trekked across. Someone (that Bilbo might love forever) picked him up and ordered another to bring Myrtle. Sometimes he dearly wished he hadn't started this childish game but this was not one of those times and he clung happily to his benefactor.

The cave, if it could be called that was big enough for them and they even had their ponies to one side, steaming heat. Thorin ordered them to unpack the basics only and they had lunch again for dinner then tried to rest.

"Bilbo, if I have to tell you one more time to come away from there…" Thorin threatened only to be interrupted by a unrepentant hobbit.

"I just want to see if they are still fighting, how many times am I going to see stone giants!"

"Why are you even repeating yourself?" Dwalin asked his cousin curious. "Are you feeling ill?"

"This storm is scrambling my brains. You're right." He climbed over a protesting Oin and plucked the disobedient hobbit from the mouth of the cave to go drop him at the very back.

"Here." He dropped him on his feet. "You want to see some rock? Face the wall."

"What?" Bilbo started to turn but he smacked him sharply back in position.

"Stand there and look at the wall until I say you are done."

"I wasn't even outside I just looked!"

"You've just changed into dry clothes, are they still dry? No. One more complaint and you can stand here with a spanked bottom, are we understanding each other?"

"Yes!"

He turned back to find every dwarf and their resident wizard watching them. "The rest of you get dry, find a bed and sleep." This brought snorts and scoffs and someone snarked a yes Adad and they settled back to what they were doing before he and Bilbo did their little entertainment.

Xxx

Rubbing the smacked spot away, Bilbo kicked the wall. Bloody dwarfs. It's coming time to tell them his age maybe and if they leave him on the road then so be it. If you are not even allowed to look at something!

He tried counting for a while to keep track of the time but got bored very fast. It felt like hours and he was honestly starting to consider that Thorin might have forgotten him. Surely he wouldn't get smacked for just asking? Should he take the chance or no. No.

Scratching at the wall with his little dagger whiled away the time a bit better — they had definitely forgot him — and he was just about to start on the letter R of 'Bilbo hates Thorin' when three things happened.

"We said no light, Bilbo." Dwalin's gruff voice said right behind him (one) and he jerked in surprise (two) slicing a goblin's face in the process…(three).

The goblin bleated in pain and a near month of daily practice had Bilbo thrust the little glowing dagger forward at the enemy before retreating back into Dwalin with his own fearful shout. Not expecting the dwarf to be so close he darted forward again like a fool and had no other option but to slice at the goblin a second time. Dwalin's arm above him did the same. "To arms! Goblins!" Dwalin bellowed.

A scary amount of goblins were trying to get in through a gap they had opened in the wall but not managing. The dwarfs, forewarned by the elves, had never removed their weapons and they fought as one. When a hand from behind pulled Bilbo back between Dwalin and Bofur, he nearly sliced at it. "Ori!"

"They can manage, come help with the packs." He was already rolling a bedroll tight and others was doing the same. "We retreat as soon as we get the ponies out, Thorin says it will be a horde. Don't leave anything behind. Hurry!" he called at Bilbo standing still with his bloodied dagger out. They scrambled to pack while at the back bloodcurdling yells and metal clashed. The dwarfs did much better than Bilbo who kept dropping things through his trembling fingers.

Bombur and Oin took the ponies out, throwing Bilbo up on the nearest one. "Up up up and over!" Bombur shouted, barely heard over he still raging storm. "Keep your sword ready they will be crawling the cliffs soon if not already!"

"How will the others get out! Bombur! We need to help them!"

"We are! Sit tight and just follow orders, lad! Look around you!"

Up up up they went. Bilbo feared for the others when suddenly the mountain rumbled and shook, he barely stayed on the pony throughout and then tried clambering back to save the dwarfs. Thorin!

"They're fine!" Oin grabbed him by the shirt collar before he could kill himself falling head first down the cliff and hoisted him right back onto the pony. "That was Gandalf closing the cave — look up!"

Lightning helped them see the goblin in time for Oin to thrust his sword in him and the goblin tumbled to a certain death.

Bilbo would never know how the night passed. They stumbled and slid and fought while it stormed around them and did not see hide nor hair of the others the whole time. Somewhere Bombur had them shelter under an overhanging rock, keeping the ponies quiet as they could while Oin tended to their wounds. They were quietly amazed that they hadn't lost any pony still.

"You're doing good, laddie don't cry."

"I'm not. It's the rain."

Oin let it be. They were standing in the dry for a break but were still so wet it didn't even matter except for no rain in your face while searching for goblins. He patted Bilbo's head and strained his eyes. Did anyone get out of that cave or did Gandalf tumble it on their own heads too. He was desperate to know and Bombur shook his head silently when he opened his mouth. Not seen or heard them then. He was hoping Bombur's better ears at least could pick up a fight.

He had also been hoping that they could hide under the ledge until the morning when the sun would help chase the goblins away, burning their eyes and skin but for all he knew it could already be afternoon, the sun hidden by the storm. Bombur killed a goblin trying to creep up on them and they were running again.

Xxx

Oin and Bombur did not let them rest when the sun finally came up but increased the pace.

"We want off the mountain, lad before it gets dark again," Oin said when Bilbo protested.

"Before they catch another pony." They've lost four ponies by now with their baggage which could be anyone's and Bombur was praying it wasn't all food. "At this point I would rather they catch one of you."

"I wouldn't mind," Bilbo sniffed feeling tired and teary, "if they do I can rest."

"You would mind quick enough. They have huge whips and torture chambers where they keep you a slave," Oin said from the pony in front of him.

"If they didn't eat you," Bombur called from behind.

"I'm probably used to being whipped now and so hungry if they put me in a pot I'll have eaten all the vegetables before it even boiled." Bilbo declared. "It might feel like a holiday. Are you sure there's nothing in your packs? My stomach is flapping like an empty sack."

They've been crawling along one abreast down the thinnest ledges for hours now, no way to get anything from another pony unless you walked over their backs which Bilbo had offered to do twice now. Neither of the dwarfs thought being hungry an emergency, even though Bombur who was so very fat surely must have been lying.

They did not see any dwarfs the whole day.


	10. Chapter 10

He wanted desperately to tell them he was an adult. They were protecting him, trying to make it easy for him, Bombur even gave him extra food and each time he offered to help he was shot down. Take his turn to stand guard, scout ahead, all they said no to. He could help if they knew he was adult! Surely this had gone on long enough now?

"They're probably dead Oin! And we are never going to get off this mountain, it's taking forever!"

"It took us eight days going up laddie it's not going to be faster down." Oin sighed and tried to forget his own fears to soothe those of Bilbo's. They've been three days already, traveling by day and hiding at night, and Oin himself constantly searched the cliffs in vain for any signs of their company. "Dwarfs don't die so easy, have a bit of hope."

Bilbo glowered up at him.

Oin tried to be patient, "We go down the mountain and follow the road mapped out. They will meet us on the way."

"At least let me scout so we don't get stuck so much."

"There is no need, we can scout just fine, rest a bit lad."

Bilbo was getting tired of all their no's. It was all so very frustrating! Maybe he should show them he can? If they will let him scout they wouldn't have to waste hours backing up ponies from a dead end ledge.

With that thought in mind, he waited for a moment when their attention was off him, and slithered down the cliff. Digging his feet in to the mountain side and 'holding on' with his fingertips to a rock above his head, he called, "Help!"

"Bilbo!" Bombur, who was the closest rushed over to save him.

Bilbo waited impatiently for him to hang a good way down in trying to reach him before he climbed back up himself, easy as pie.

"See! I can manage if I fall off! Now will you let me scout ahead?"

"What?" asked Bombur, kneeling breathless at the edge of the ledge.

"What?" asked Oin, staring at him aghast. "What was that, Bilbo!"

"It was just a joke, Oin. To show you I can climb, let me scout—"

"Scaring someone has never been a joke, Bilbo!"

"I was making a point! No need to shout at me."

"There is every need to shout!"

"Only Thorin can shout at me and he's not here!"

"Oh he will be soon, laddie." Bombur took over the conversation. "We will be sure to let him know about this nonsense too if you only take reprimands from him then."

"Are you trying to scare me? I fought goblins!"

"That you did, and you did it very well, but also remember we all did," the dwarf said. "Come let's go. Back up on the pony, and no you cannot scout ahead."

"But I just showed you…"

"That you can climb a rock." Bombur snapped. "Not that you can make a good scout, a childish prank is not the way to get anyone to trust your decision making abilities."

Now is the time to tell the two dwarfs he was not a child. Bilbo even opened his mouth to do so but was forestalled by an unearthly scream and they were snatched from the mountain face by monstrous Eagles.

It all sounded frightful, there was a competition among the dwarfs and ponies on who could make the most noise. Bilbo held for dear life onto Bofur's legs. He had grabbed on to them when it looked as if he was going to be left behind and his reasoning, thank you very much, was he would rather be eaten with his friends than die alone on a cliff. "Oh my arms!"

"Hang tight, lad!" Bombur shouted. Oh my legs! He slipped through the claw when he tried to reach down to get Bilbo and had to settle for reminding the lad every now and then to hold tight, keeping his legs very still and never letting him know he was crushing his ankles.

The flight took an eternity. His arms were aching so much and there was times when he thought he couldn't hold on anymore, and why should he, just to be eaten at the end? Bilbo's arms gave in just seconds before the eagles dropped them on a wide shelf of rock, right in front of their missing company. He tumbled the short distance, Bombur moaning in relief before he did the same on painful ankles.

"Oh Mahal be praised are we happy to see you!" was called from both sides and shouts of joy accompanied crushing hugs. Bilbo received the same treatment except he was small enough to be picked up and handed about, his feet not touching the floor for minutes.

"Kili, I can stand by myself…" I am an adult — just tell them!

"Why sweetness, are you not happy to see me?"

"I am!" He breathed out through the squashed hug.

"Maybe he's happier to see me." Fili took him, giving him a moment to breathe in before being squashed again. "I am much more handsome."

Nori took him next, before he could be handed back to Kili, swinging him to Ori, pulling his ear in passing. Ori squashed him as much as the nephews. "I'm glad to see you Bilbo, we were so worried," he said more sensible. Then passed him to Bofur, Bifur, Gloin and Dori.

"Well done lad," Dwalin told him, giving him a short hug before passing him over to Thorin who set him on his arm to stay.

"We were worried about you." Thorin grinned. "Did you behave for Oin and Bombur?"

Like his dad used to ask when he came back from an outing. Did you behave for your mom? Oh hello Thorin, I would like to tell you all I am actually an adult...no.

"I thought you were all dead!" Bilbo cried instead, threw his arms around Thorin's neck and to his own horror promptly burst into tears. He was hushed and patted which made him cry more and then the dwarf started to jiggle and sway! He cried even harder. Alright fine, maybe today was definitely not the day to tell them he's an adult.

There was storytelling on both sides. Thorin kept hold of him, keeping him in his arms when he moved about or on his lap and rubbing his back every so often. He let it be, feeling like a wrung out dish cloth with all the fears of the past days now cried out.

Bombur set to preparing hares and birds that the eagles dropped off with dried root vegetables from the packs. All their food had survived, and they had not spent all four days hungry. But without fire they had only jerky and dried fruit to chew on while the others had had only meat from the eagles, so both groups were looking forward to the meal.

It seems Gandalf had indeed blocked them in the cave with the goblins, (he was not admitting to it being a mistake — Wizards!) and they had a much harder time than Bilbo's group.

Captured and harried with whips by the goblins who saw them as spies, it needed another intervention from the Wizard to escape, throwing lightning and cleaving goblins with Glamdring. Thorin himself killed the goblin King with Orcrist and the telling of it made every dwarf smile and whoop!

They had spent two days being chased in dark tunnels and when they finally escaped had managed to pass through the mountain on the correct side, but were immediately set upon by wargs. That commotion brought the eagles to investigate, and luck was with them when they recognized a friend in Gandalf standing on top of a burning tree, ready to jump.

When it was their turn, Bombur told it and he gave Bilbo far more heroics than he felt he deserved. He had been in such a daze of fear and frustration and tired and hungry that he didn't remember half of what had happened. Bombur could be making it all up.

The telling took all the meal and half the night as Gandalf came at the end and added his news. "The Eagles said the goblins and wargs were up in arms and searching high and low for the dwarf who killed their king."

"Eagles can talk?" Bilbo interrupted without thinking.

"These ones can." Gandalf answered a bit impatient where before he would have just snapped at Bilbo to hush, which meant he had improved quite a bit. "Let me know when you are done interrupting so I may continue." Well not that much improvement then.

Xxxx

They left in the morning. This time on the back of the monstrously huge eagles with Bilbo set in front of Fili.

"Don't pinch!" said their eagle. "You need not act like a frightened little rabbit even if you look like one. What's better than flying?"

A soft bed. A warm meal. A book in front of a fire. Bilbo started listing things off in his head. He loosened his fingers and leaned back into the safety of Fili's sturdy chest. A picnic in a sunny field. Sour apples. A spanking by Thorin. No. A spanking by Dwalin!

Xxxx

A spanking by Thorin was starting to seem like a very real possibility.

The eagles had taken them as far as they would, not wanting to be close to any villagers or farms, setting them in a clearing next to a small stream. Gandalf was on about some bear of a man that might put them up and help with their lost gear; hurrying them up for fear of wargs following them. But Thorin declared they should all wash and eat breakfast first, as they were not savages.

Bombur waited only until everyone had scrubbed themselves clean in the small stream before fetching Bilbo to where Thorin sat smoking. "I think we have unfinished business, lad. Let's go ask an audience with our king."

It took Bilbo until they were in front of a surprised Thorin to remember what that was about.

"Help the lad here to understand pretending that he fell from a mountain is not a nice joke," he told Thorin. "He did not want to listen to us since only Thorin can tell him what to do."

That sounded very bad now that all was said and done and Bilbo preemptively put his hands back to cover his bum. "I didn't mean it as a real joke, I only wanted to show them I was able to climb back up myself if I fell because they didn't let me do anything!"

"To keep you safe," Bombur justified.

"Like a baby. I wasn't allowed to help at all!"

"Stop. Both of you." Thorin sighed. "The rule is only myself and Dwalin can punish you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to everyone else or that they are not allowed to tell you off if you need it."

"I listened to them the whole time! I only wanted to help but they kept saying no!"

Thorin raised a questioning eyebrow at Bombur.

"We did not let him scout ahead as some of the climbs were tricky and we also did not let him stay up to take a turn on watch." He shrugged. "There wasn't a lot of other jobs we could hand out being that we were having cold camps and hiding."

"What's wrong if I scout or take my turn on sentry duty?"

"They did not explain?"

"I'm too small, I will get hurt, I don't have any experience…" he stomped a foot in frustration. "So the experience should just waft down on me from the clouds?"

"I don't see that I would have done differently in their shoes and while I commend you on feeling that you want to contribute, you have to think a bit on whether it was the right time for you to start learning how.

"Kili is nearly thirty years older than you and still learning how to stand watch, you yourself slipped by him. Do you think Bombur and Oin cared so little for you that they did not want your help, or so much for you that they wanted to be very sure of your safety."

"I don't know," he sulked.

"You do know. Everyone here cares for you. You have learned a lot of skills since you've come along with us, lad. If you want to learn more we can teach you but let's wait until we are not in emergency situations, like now."

"Well I don't want to anymore."

"That's also fine, you are very young yet. You need to apologize to Bombur and Oin for scaring them."

"And then what."

"That's it."

"I'd rather be spanked!" He didn't want to apologize to anyone who told on him. Bombur would probably like it better even if he was beaten.

Thorin figured it was another case of Bilbo's mouth running away from his brain and did not rush to comply. "I would rather not spank you. You have until dinner time to apologize to them, if you still don't want to then we can go that route."

"You can just as well do it now," Bilbo crossed his arms, "because I won't."

"Bilbo, lad…" Bombur tried to help out but Thorin waved him quiet.

"No need Bombur. Let's all have breakfast before we move on. Bilbo and I will be having a private chat."

Which was probably a euphemism for spanking and Bilbo swallowed hard. Did he just order his own punishment? His eyes felt like they were going to pop out of his head and it took everything in him to stand still while Thorin picked him up. He had fought goblins! He still had the nightmares to prove it!

"I don't know why you are insisting on being spanked." Thorin sighed, walking them to the edge of the clearing.

"I'm not." He held himself stiff and did not throw his arms around the dwarf's neck like he always did. "What...what are you going to use?"

"To hit you with? Nothing. We are going to chat, I told you."

"But I said! You…"

"I said we are going to wait until dinner. Do you think I am going to run around as you please Bilbo Baggins?" They crossed the tree line, the kid now quiet and Thorin kept walking until he found a fallen log to sit on. He arranged Bilbo more comfortably on his lap and for a long moment just hugged him tight. "Tell me why you are so angry at Bombur that you can't apologize."

"I'm not."

"Do you really think he did wrong to protect a child in his care?"

Bilbo was beyond frustrated. Now was the perfect opportunity to say I am not a child. If only he wasn't sitting on the dwarf's lap, being hugged! He would like to be at least out of arm's reach when he spills that bit of deception.

"What sweetheart."

"Nothing!" Sweetheart!

"I can see that something is bothering you, Bilbo. No-one is around to hear so you can tell me anything you want."

"I can't..."

"Did Bombur or Oin do anything to hurt you?" That's all he could think of. Surely it is something superficial, some naughtiness that he is afraid will come out, but Thorin did not reach a hundred and ninety five without learning that a person could always be surprised by the actions of another. "You don't have to be scared to tell me anything, lad."

"You will hate me!"

That was the last thing Bilbo would say and he cried bitter tears into Thorin's shirt. Thorin gave him over to his nephews, ordering them to keep an eye and went to corral the two dwarfs. They did not know any other reason Bilbo could be stressed about. Neither did Gandalf when asked and the wizard was quite abrupt that he should not have to be bothered by a child's issues. Thorin decided to leave it and see. Not that he had any other option.


	11. Chapter 11

"You will see when we get there." Gandalf was being stubborn in not telling them details as to where they were going. "Let me just say he is a bear of a man."

They did not all have ponies anymore, even the one Gandalf had been given by Elrond was lost so some dwarfs were walking and the going was slow.

Bilbo was doubled up with Kili as he weighed next to nothing and the dwarf was still too fidgety to relax with so he was forced to stay awake and think. He desperately wanted Gandalf's advice but the Wizard was busy being funny, entertaining the company with riddles and guessing games and barely looked in his direction.

"Kili, let me down I want to walk." Anything was better than this perpetual motion!

"Too sore to sit?"

"I'm not...he didn't spank me," Bilbo hissed. Yet. "I just want to walk."

They passed the pony on to Dori to rest his legs, as Kili was supposed to mind Bilbo. "Want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Want to play riddles?"

"No." Gandalf was ruining riddles for him.

"How about I tell you a poem."

"Noo."

"How about I stay quiet."

"No! Yes!"

Kili mimed locking his mouth and they finally just walked in blessed silence at the back of the group. After a while a comfortable hand fell on his neck and gave a reassuring squeeze. "Sometimes we should just set our problems aside and stop worrying, most of them solve themselves you know…"

That was the worst advice he had ever heard, by Yavanna the dwarf was young.

Xxx

He was no closer to a solution when they reached their destination and it was hurting his brain.

Beorn turned out to be a giant of a man who turned into an actual bear and Bilbo who could wander through his legs without even touching his tunic, had never felt so tiny. He was also getting tired of being called a rabbit. Bifur was fine but then the eagles and now their host? Excuse him if he felt grumpy!

Bilbo stomped when he walked and growled when anyone tried to talk to him. He sat aside barely paying attention to Gandalf's story about their adventures and he did not even feel amazed at seeing servantile dogs and sheep setting tables and bringing trays of food.

The near end of it was when Thorin took him aside to apologize to Bombur and Oin for his joke when a whole feast needed eating and his stomach was growling near as loud as himself. Such a feast they hadn't had since they left Elrond! "I am sorry I scared you, I won't do it again now can we eat?"

"If you want to sit while you eat you should amend that apology…" Thorin looked aghast at Bilbo. Since when was he so rude!

"The lad is right," Oin dropped a hand on Thorin's shoulder, "we are all hungry, I know I am so hungry I can barely think over the smell of that lovely food. We accept your apology, Bilbo. Go ahead and eat."

They watched Bilbo rush off to do just that.

"He won't take your direction over mine if it is a no but does it fine enough if you tell him to do something he likes." Thorin growled. "What are you doing letting him get away with that, Oin. That was disrespectful and not even worth being called an apology."

"I am not going to be put off my food by a crying child, Thorin, let's not kill him for having emotions. Bombur agrees —"

"I do."

"— and he had only ever wanted you to talk some sense into the lad. Let's eat."

After the meal there was pipes and more stories and singing.

Beorn's house was one long building made out of logs. One end opened onto a flower filled field, where they had met up and told their adventures. In the middle was a big fire pit sunk into the floor, and at the other end a raised platform between pillars was being set up by the animals for bed.

Thorin waited only until the animals were done before scooping the sleepy Bilbo up from where Kili and Fili were holding him upright between them. He found a small straw mattress with blankets set aside, that seemed made specifically for Bilbo, and he settled him there.

"You will go to sleep," he told Bilbo, cutting off protests that it was early and helping him out of the most confining of his clothes, "and I dearly hope for your sake you wake up in a better mood tomorrow." He held the blankets open and set about tucking him in. "Your apology was atrocious and I am only letting it pass by request from Bombur and Oin, but let's not ever have a repeat of that."

Bilbo was too tired for snarking, the best he could do to show his unhappiness was pull the blankets over his head and after a bit he heard the dwarf walk away. He really was exhausted and could barely keep his eyes open but still would have liked to sleep when he chose.

There was more food the next day. Gandalf and Beorn were absent and the dwarfs couldn't or wouldn't say where they went.

They spent the day eating and resting. At night, when Gandalf told them Beorn and a lot of other animals had set off in the direction of the goblin caves from what he saw of their footprints, he suddenly felt very afraid.

"What happens if he leads the wargs and goblins back here!" he moaned. "I thought you said they were not friends of his!"

"Honestly, Bilbo!" Gandalf frowned. "Are you even thinking? Your brain must be addled from exhaustion, go to bed!"

Bilbo opened his mouth to retaliate in what could have only been a nasty way and Thorin forestalled him. "Bilbo. No. Go sleep."

"Fine." He jumped up crushed, and stomped out without saying goodnight. Was it so wrong to be afraid? If they were so wonderful, he was sorry he was not! There was nowhere else to go but bed and nothing else to do but go sleep since they were not allowed out yet again. Beorn and his animal friends might come any time and he could not assure their safety if they dared out. He pulled the blankets over his head.

Xxx

"It can't be helped. He is walking around like a bea…" no not a bear. Thorin eyed the nearest sheep, do they gossip? "Like a bee that's lost his honey. He doesn't want to say what's wrong and he cried himself to sleep last night." He punched Dwalin's shoulder for laughing at his weak analogy. Let him try better.

"Maybe it's the nightmares and he is ashamed to talk about it. You hear him, he moans the whole night."

"We all moan the whole night. If we weren't dwarfs I would have thought us scared of caves now."

"Only goblin ones. Relax, why don't you just smack him for attitude. All this hugs you're giving out all of a sudden must be confusing him more."

"Very funny." They had been hugging and carrying Bilbo about ever since he first came, more hugs than smacks so Dwalin needn't call abuse, joke or not.

"If you want my opinion he is actually asking for a smack. Oh wait...didn't he literally do so two days ago?"

"Dwalin."

"Soft. If I don't keep eye you will be giving our gold away next."

"If you don't want to be a useful ear, say so."

"My advice, spank him. Go ask Balin if you want a political answer. Gloin if you want a father's opinion."

"I will." Thorin stood up and walked off in a huff.

"Soft!"

Xxx

"There's nothing wrong with going soft in your old age," Balin smiled. "It's bound to happen to all of us."

"Balin."

"Alright I am only teasing, you've always been soft. Why else do you think Dwalin sticks his nose in."

"He is nosy. Can we get to the advice?"

"Leave him be, be patient, Thorin. Not everything needs our interference. He is not stomping for attention and whatever it is will come out in due time."

"Dwalin thinks lancing the boil and you say compress."

"Don't listen to Dwalin."

"I will go to Gloin."

Xxx

"I never had this problem with Gimli. Three meals a day, good exercise and enough rest makes for a happy child. Routines."

"We manage the exercise only." Thorin sighed.

"It won't be forever, once we have the mountain back you can set these things in motion."

"Well, that's great Gloin, I need something for now."

"Have you tried asking him."

"Really?" He levelled him with an unimpressed look.

"Sometimes parents forget that bit," Gloin smiled uncaring. "You'd be surprised."

"We are having too much surprises these days."

Xxx

"Bilbo." Thorin motioned him out.

"I didn't do anything!"

"That's up for interpretation lad. You're not in trouble now anyway, calm down."

When they were out of earshot in the corner of the porch he sat himself down on a low bench and pointed Bilbo to his feet. This might have been a bit too familiar for him for he did so with his hands covering his back and a very worried face.

"Are you feeling up to telling me what is bothering you these last days?"

"Nothing is bothering me, why."

"No. Everyone can clearly see you are in a fuss. I am only asking if you want to talk about it, you are allowed to say no but don't pretend it is not so." Oh for Mahal's sake! Why's that bottom lip trembling, he wasn't even harsh! "Now do you want to talk about it lad?"

"No."

"That's fine then. Kindly repeat your rules."

"I don't want to," he sniffled, leaning in against Thorin's knees. "I haven't been doing anything wrong, I swear Thorin…"

"You've been bordering on insolent and it is starting to get annoying. I've given you time enough to figure out whatever is bothering you, offered help and I am sure others have too. Thing is we all have our problems but we do not take it out on each other." He gave the words a moment to settle in, happy that Bilbo seemed at least to be paying attention. "What will happen if we all walked around stomping our feet and snapping at each other like you are now."

"I don't know."

"That's easy. It will be a mess. Is anyone bothering you here?"

"No!"

It was vehement enough that Thorin decided to believe him.

"Did you do anything bad that you are scared I will find out?" Ahh that's it. He watched Bilbo panic. "Is it so bad lad? What's the worse that can happen, I smack your bum and it's over. Tell me and let's get this done."

"I cannot! You will hate me!"

Back to that one then. He can't leave it at that a second time. "We don't hate kids so easily Bilbo, we all make mistakes, even now — I promise you none of us are above that."

That's the thing isn't it. They won't hate kids. Bilbo sucked his breath in and prepared himself to get it done, closing his eyes not to see Thorin's face turn to horror. Kili's words came to him. Tears flowing freely now he told Thorin all.


	12. Chapter 12

The dwarfs laughed softly behind Bilbo's back.

"All this fuss about him losing a pony."

"That was it? They lost four, didn't they."

"Well this one he specifically bumped into and it fell. He was fighting goblins at the time too, silly lad."

"I might have bumped a few off the ledge myself." Bombur swung his girth to demonstrate and the company tittered at him.

Xxx

On the far side of the porch Nori pumped a hard elbow into his older brother's side. "You would think he would feel better after that confession. Seeing as it unburdens the soul…"

"It does make you feel better...it used to with you."

"I love how you relate everything back to me. But. Exactly."

"What? Really?" Dori looked over to where the hobbit was moping in a flower patch. "Mahal save him if he lied, Thorin will kill him."

"Maybe not, I hear he is going soft." They sniggered to themselves at that. Off to the side Thorin was arguing with Gandalf on what road was better — going around or through Mirkwood — each had its own dangers. "Soft enough that a hobbit can make him believe with a bit of tears."

"He's had some practice in it." They sniggered again.

"The question is what could be big enough to lie to a king."

The argument was steadily raising in volume. "It's not as if you intend to come with us, Gandalf! So what if it takes thrice as long to go around!" Thorin suddenly bellowed. "What in Mahal's name does it matter if I think around is safer for Bilbo!"

Both brothers watched Bilbo shrink down, while all around them dwarfs sat up. Gandalf was not coming with them?

"Bilbo doesn't need safer! He has many qualities you are yet unaware of, Thorin! He might surprise you yet!"

In the flower patch Bilbo turned over with a moan and hid his head in his arms. Dori tsked at him and Nori laughed.

Xxx

Mirkwood. Bilbo sat on Myrtle, quietly at the edge of the company, and looked at the dark and forbidding trees. Thorin was still fighting with Gandalf, two days now. He wanted to go around and he wanted the Wizard to come with. Around would take a month, or even more, longer than through… if anyone had thought to ask Bilbo, he would have said through. Get through, get to the mountain and get it done.

"You need to leave Beorn's ponies here, some of you would have to double up or walk and you will still be faster. Don't stray from the path at all." Gandalf reminded the dwarfs unperturbed. "Either way. If you want to go around, do so stubborn dwarf, I cannot find myself caring anymore, but the ponies need to stay here. I will meet up with you down the road, good day."

All the dwarfs put up a last fuss at being left to their own devices and Bilbo, not being noticed, and with no thought in his head, quietly spurred Myrtle into the forest.

The entrance to the path was made by two giant trees leaning against each other, blackened leaves strangled by ivy.

Bilbo immediately hated the dark forest. He could see the barest of a glimmer of green to each side of the path, but the path, whether by magic or whatever reason had no growth and as such was easy for Myrtle to gallop down. It wound between the trees, this way and that and Bilbo's sharp eyes soon accustomed to the gloom. There was no sight or sound of a chase yet, and he hurried Myrtle to get as far as possible before they caught up, or Thorin would just turn him right around and out again. He was not gambling his hide only to fail.

Here and there sunlight came through the thick canopy in a thin stream which decreased in frequency as he went deeper. Bilbo kept pushing onwards, having no idea how far was enough, not wanting to be turned around, and if he really wanted to be honest, the idea of the storm gathering on his heels kept him moving longer than he would have.

'Don't stray from the path, not even an inch. You might never leave the forest alive.' Was what Beorn had said. He sniffed back scared tears, wishing for the how manyth time that crying would not come so easily these days.

From his stomach, he calculated that he had passed lunch and dinner by the time they finally caught up with him in a clatter of hoofs and hushed voices. The night was so dark that he could barely see his own hand held in front of his face, and Bilbo reined Myrtle to face his destiny, only to sit flabbergasted to the side of the path as the whole company passed him one after the other. He would maybe have lost them to the fore this time, if not for Myrtle, who snorted a greeting at her companions and fell in at the back of the line.

For a while he just sat and listened to the familiar voices and, feeling much better that he wasn't alone anymore, he even started to be a bit delighted at the prank he was playing on them. The sad thing was that they were conversing in Khuzdul or he could have listened in, sure they were discussing their lost hobbit. Well...he would at least have learned what Thorin had in store for him. This way it was left to his imagination, which was being extremely active. Bilbo kept as quiet as a little mouse.

Xxx

"I think there's something behind us." Fili kept his tone light and stuck to Khuzdul, as whatever man or animal that was following them surely wouldn't know it. "Keep quiet a moment and listen," he told Kili.

In front of them Bombur was muttering about the dark, possibly to Oin, they were always together, weren't they, and behind them the sound of … hoofs.

"Beorn said there's elves in the woods," Kili reminded his brother softly, "not the nicest ones either."

"One pony. Small hoofs. Elves would be on a horse and why alone."

"Showoff," Kili muttered into a breath, and swung out a wild arm in Fili's general direction, connecting with nothing. "Don't say his name. On two, let's move to the side and corral ourselves a scared little rabbit. Two."

Fili snorted but moved as told and stopped his pony close to the trees, Kili by the little sound he could hear, was doing the same on the opposite side. The clip of hoofs reached their spot and passed them.

"Let's go," Kili decided, and they moved again as one, causing a surprised commotion in front of them. "You know, if this isn't our hobbit and rather an orc...who do you think will be the most upset between Oin and Bombur? Bombur?

"Bombur. He's been nagging for hours now, he will explode if poked with a feather." They sniggered. "When shall we tell them."

"Aww we will leave that to the little rabbit."

Xxx

Bilbo nearly died when Fili and Kili suddenly spoke up behind him. He jerked on the reins in shock, then when he realised he would land right in between them he overcompensated by digging his heels into Myrtle's flanks and she bucked in protest.

Oh Yavanna he was done for. Oh dear! What should he do!

Xxx

"I can't stand it anymore." Kili decided after they had gone on for way too long. It was definitely time to sleep already.

"What will you do?"

"Beg," he replied in Khuzdul and then in Westron called forward. "Uncle! Do you think perhaps we can rest? Every bone in my body is begging for sleep!"

Some voices rose up in agreement.

"We can rest once we've found Bilbo, do you not care nephew?" Thorin asked, and as was their habit by now, so used to answering in the language spoken to, it was also Westron. Kili, unseen, grinned in triumph.

"Dearest Uncle, it is too dark, he could be riding right in front of me and we would never know! Let's just have a little nap? Perhaps when the sun…" a commotion and threats way at the front had him sniggering low enough just for Fili to hear. "Uncle how can you find me to smack me in this black night, did Gandalf leave you with magic eyes? Why you might be smacking Fili for all you know and you know he is way too old!"

Ponies were being halted all over at Thorin's irritated bellow. Now was not the time for making fun… "Get over here, Kili, I am not in the mood!"

"Because you miss Bilbo? All I am is tired, Uncle! That is no reason to take it out on my hide — I am sure our poor Bilbo would be sad to know that you want to whip me in his stead..."

"I would not." Bilbo breathed softly, barely an arms length away.

Kili's ears was not the only good ones, or perhaps the dark had even made them all hear better, for three intakes of breath was followed by a, "Bilbo?" from Thorin.

"No?"

A thunderous silence met the word.

They took a break for the night.


	13. Chapter 13

Gandalf was confused. While he was happy that the dwarfs had taken the road through Mirkwood and had come out safe and sound on the other side…it was not right. Events needed to unfold. Events obviously hadn't.

He looked more closely at the tired group that had spread themselves out in a patch of weak noontime sun. Behind them The Gate. Behind that rose the Lonely Mountain, stark and unwelcoming. Well twelve sat and two stood. Bilbo evaded his eyes and every so often he touched his bottom tentatively, unconscious of his movement. No need to wonder what happened there then. Silly hobbit. Kili stood behind Fili, leaning against a ruined pillar, he did not look as if he had energy to stand, but stood he did.

"Should you be sitting out in the open with Smaug…"

"The mountain's fallen on his head." Thorin cut him short. "We will be fine and no, I am not calm enough yet to share that tale."

As if in cue behind them the mountain rumbled and steamed. The company hunched their shoulders but sat.

"What happened when I left?" he asked Thorin. "Surely that is a safe topic? You seem to have made good time and are all accounted for, but in all honesty I did not expect to find you here yet, last I knew you wanted to take the long way around Mirkwood?"

"Don't name that horror of a forest, wizard! We should go back and burn the thing down, Gandalf. If these two nitwits hadn't tried to kill Smaug for us, bringing the whole mountain down on him, we could have pointed him in that direction. If I have to do it again I would go around, even if it took us a year and all the goblins, orcs and wargs it could throw at us. Then I will return and go around again just to show you it can be done!"

"Yes?" He picked at his pipe, tapping it clean. Patted his pockets. Searched for his tobacco pouch. Searched for patience. "It was that bad?"

No-one answered. One by one they looked away, but when he finally caught Bilbo's eyes he spoke up in a soft whisper. "They ate Myrtle."

Thorin twisted about and Gandalf watched, perplexed to see Bilbo take a scared half-step away from his glare. "Are you allowed to speak yet, Mister Baggins?"

"No sir."

"That was your only chance." He snapped and Bilbo nodded his agreement very quickly at that.

Gandalf sighed. "Thorin...might we hear this tale before night is on us? What happened in the forest." He put a bit of effort into it, making it an order. "I thought you lot were made of stronger stuff."

"The forest was as poisoned as you said, wizard. A veritable dark pit of despair that sucked all your wits away. Things watched us," the group shivered, "we dared not light a fire for what it might attract. Our food lasted halfway, luckily we had the ponies—"

"Or Bombur would have eaten us." Dwalin snorted softly. The joke looked overworn for it generated not even a rolled eye, Gandalf saw. Thankfully Thorin was not sidetracked and continued on, talking louder only.

"—so we did not have to resort to eating the least useful members of our company first. We tried to keep Myrtle out of the pot, Mahal help us, fools every last one of us, but it was too dark and the damned ponies hadn't yet learnt how to introduce themselves in Westron or any damn language other than Neigh. What fires we could make attracted spiders bigger than wargs so we killed, cooked on smallest of flames and followed the road as fast as we could with half our company walking."

"Elves?" Gandalf encouraged a little.

"Oh Elves! Dancing in the night tempting us from the 'safety of the road' with feasts and song? Those Elves? When Beorn and your high self implored us not to leave the 'safety of the road' or perish?" He sighed and rubbed his face and his boil settled down to a simmer. "Well we were tempted, meat gets boring quickly, but since Beorn had not trusted them much we thought better avoid the lot. Beorn seemed sensible for a…bear… Why are you looking like that Gandalf?"

That was not good. They needed the Elves up in arms on the way… "The road to get here was long and tiring, your tale devoid of humour, dwarf. I see no way else I should be looking. Shall we start a meal while you tell the rest?"

"We've no—"

"I've enough stores in the saddlebags of my packhorse, I've come prepared." The dwarfs picked up at the promise of food and Gandalf blew smoke rings while watching the bustle. Mister Baggins. So that has been found out? It's a wonder Thorin hadn't taken him to task on his part in that too. Perhaps it will come. "Tell me about Lake Town. How was your reception there."

"We gave it a wide berth." Dwalin answered around an apple.

"What?!"

"Should we not have?"

"Surely you needed to replenish your stocks, perhaps you would have had food now and intelligence…"

"Mister Baggins cannot swim. It was bad enough getting him on the raft — thank you for not telling us the roads were impassable, wizard and that we would have to be half mermen to reach our home — three times a day he would tumble into the water, directly sink like a stone...taking him to a city that floats just felt like outright murder. No Gandalf, we wanted to be done with it."

"I do not know of every last thing, Thorin. I might be aware of big events unfolding, things needing done and things best left undone but whether a road is there or there no more is not in my eye."

There was silence at that. Food were prepared and set out. It galled Gandalf to see his little friend so down in the mouth, standing aside from the rest, but it would surely pass. A little bit of punishment for being silly and thinking to fool others had not hurt anyone yet.

"So Smaug burned Lake Town and came back, but if they had no idea you were retaking the mountain then they couldn't blame you for waking him up…" he searched for the tale.

Thorin frowned fiercely. "When did Smaug burn Lake Town. It seemed fine when we passed it."

"When was that."

"Yesterday, Gandalf." Thorin snapped impatiently, as if it was common knowledge!

No. He was glad to be sitting. There should be an city of angry men on the way! Why had he let Thorin kill the Goblin King then? Now he had an army of goblins and wolves to fight and only fourteen dwarfs to stop them. What was the damned dwarf saying now? "Excuse me, you passed when?"

"Day before yesterday." Dwalin.

"It was?" Thorin turned a confused face to Dwalin.

"Yes, day before yesterday we came and started searching for that blasted secret door. Yesterday was when Mister Baggins and our Kili took their life in their own hands and decided to just use the front door." He thumbed over his shoulder at The Gate behind them. "As soon as we figured out their intentions we went after their foolish hides but the deed was done. Smaug was awake and … We ran up and down through our lovely mountain a whole night and morning — thankfully we had enough practice doing so with the goblins — until finally Smaug crashed one too many pillars and brought the whole thing down."

"He is not dead yet, we can hear him scratching and digging." Dori said. "But we are taking a breather."

"Mister Baggins?" Gandalf couldn't delay that much longer. All the dwarfs looked elsewhere.

"We've forgotten how much gold we kept in the treasury," Balin sighed to his boots in an answer that made no sense.

"We got a bit overwhelmed by it all." Oin said to the skies.

"Very shiny." Dori picked fussily at a nail.

"Mountains of it..." Nori said with a faraway look.

"We found the Arkenstone." Fili's eyes flickered to Thorin.

"It's very appealing." Dwalin patted Thorin on the back. "Bilbo stole it."

"Bilbo stole it!" Gandalf exclaimed in shock. "Why on earth would you do that, Bilbo?" But there was no answer from that side, Bilbo placed a hand over his own mouth and pinched his nose, eyes bulging in distress.

"You may talk, Mister Baggins." Thorin ordered without turning to him. "Tell the wizard why a burglar would steal the Arkenstone."

"It told me to." His bottom lipped wobbled and he sucked it in.

Thorin snorted rudely. "Go back to being quiet if you are going to talk nonsense."

"Where is the stone now?" They could use it to bring the men...that felt like a right thing to do...

"Down the abyss."

"What!"

Dwalin took over when it didn't look as if Thorin was going to say a further word. "It might have talked to Mister Baggins only, but the rest of us were still in its thrall as soon as it was found. Your burglar, though he had improved much in skills from the start of our journey if we care to remember some trolls, is still not very good at hiding his ill gotten gains. The Arkenstone, coupled with all the treasure...we were nearly done for, digging mindlessly about with Smaug on our heels..." he admitted.

It sounded insensible and Gandalf snapped at the dwarf to tell it all, in order also while he was at it or not bother.

Dwalin growled at him. He then went on to paint a vivid picture of how they had found Smaug awake, chasing Bilbo and Kili. They then gave Smaug a merry run though the mountain and might have escaped sooner if the treasury didn't keep popping up in their route. Bilbo was found out for his thievery on one such side trip, when he stumbled and the Arkenstone rolled out of his shirt. He told of their Shock and Horror at harbouring a real burglar. Bilbo trying to keep the stone out of Thorin's grasp, and every last one of them filled with envy close on his heels, ready to kill.

That was how Smaug had found them yet again, and the dragon had a massive fit at seeing his favourite stone in a dirty robber's hand. He seemed hypnotized by its glow the same as everyone else...which apparently gave said hobbit the idea to save them all by throwing the Arkenstone into a chasm for Smaug to play fetch. Which he did. Some dwarfs nearly followed that way too, but here were still enough others with sense enough to stop them. It gave them time to escape but enraged Smaug to yet unseen levels of fury, causing him to melt the stone behind their heels and thus the mountain finally said enough, dumping itself on the dragon's head.

The company did not know to be impressed with Bilbo's quick thinking or angry at the loss of the stone. Thorin did know though what to do with two miscreants who tried to go kill a dragon by themselves, so he started with that and that was where the story should have ended too. All to be forgiven. If not that Bilbo had promised himself to spill a little trick he had pulled on them once they've reached their home, and the thoroughly chastised hobbit promptly confessed.

It was evening by the time the tale had passed and the company moved over to a guard post for the night. Hopefully they would be safe there if Smaug dug himself out while they slept. A cavern etched from the mountain, big enough to hold a hundred dwarfs, at the back a smaller room that was designated for Mister Baggins who went there with downturned shoulders. Better to have him where we can keep an eye on him without actually having to see him, was the general idea.

Gandalf stood aside, watching all this with a sense of detachment. Never had he been so wrong, if he could turn back time...would he choose another hobbit or would he decide not to be part of his little games…the question was irrelevant. The world as they knew it was as good as gone.

Xxx

Thorin looked at the dark cloud approaching and felt strangely empty. Goblins riding on wolves with wargs between them. Bats were above them like a sea of locusts. Impossible to survive. Not impossible to fight it would just not be a very long fight. This whole journey had come to a sad end. They've lost the Arkenstone, there's no recovering the heart of their mountain from the deepest chasm it had. Trust the hobbit to find the worst place to throw it into. The hobbit…Mister Baggins...he was still trying to ignore the fact that the wizard was complicit in that little undertaking. Dwalin had encouraged but he had decided not to bother asking Gandalf his reasons, what did it matter.

"When were you going to tell us we would be hosting a horde."

"Does it matter?" Gandalf echoed his thoughts. "What can the few of us do to them."

"We can fight. Dain is on the way."

"He is? Why? How?"

"I found some talkative ravens and sent them off with a message when we reached the valley, an army of dwarfs to keep the mountain once we got it. Lake town is not that far, they will see the steam stop and come investigate the dragon's fate. What are we against a city of men with the glint of gold in their eyes."

"Sensible." Gandalf sighed. "But not nearly enough."

"We can send word to Lake Town, they will be next to fall, perhaps they would be fast enough to come." Thorin continued. "At worst it would give them warning. To Dain too, to update him on the situation, and he can hurry."

"They will be too late." The wizard said but Thorin turned to Dwalin and he nodded his understanding, jogging off to find a raven. Thorin eyed the rest of his company, stood in one line behind him watching the black cloud approaching. Nothing could be seen on their faces. The youngest, Kili and Fili leaned into each other, Bilbo had lost all colour...but no Mister Baggins was not so young then was he.

"We will fight." He told them. "It is that or sit and be slain, there is no running away in this desolate country, no hiding place that Smaug had not burned down. I will not have history told how we were slain with spears in our backs."

"It will be a short fight." Balin muttered.

"Those are the best." Gloin said. "What do you figure, tomorrow morning? They will travel faster at night but it is a distance yet."


	14. Chapter 14

It was as bad as Bilbo had feared. Thorin had shunned him, and he was not to speak unless spoken to until the dwarf had decided what to do with him. The others were following suit, and though he did have a few sympathetic looks thrown his way, in the end none were impressed at being fooled.

His hopes to just be allowed to go with Gandalf was now a dwindling dream in the face of the dark menace approaching them. This was no goblin group chasing them around a mountain, this was all the goblins from everywhere, come to have their revenge on the dwarfs that killed their King, resolved to win dominion of the North, Gandalf said.

Under their feet the mountain shook. Smaug, still at it. Better if they had succumbed to his flames when he was chasing them...oh. He bit his lip. It would work. Why wouldn't it work. Smaug had decimated a whole city, warriors fleeing before him. Why wouldn't it work?

He cornered him, finally finding him away from the others after nearly an hour of stalking. "Kili."

"Mister Baggins."

"Kili please it is Bilbo. I am sorry I got you punished."

"I seem to remember you did not push me to do anything and you got punished fairly thoroughly yourself."

"Still…"

"Why did you do it?"

"Sm—"

"Not Smaug! Spite, you said."

Bilbo nodded. "Spite. The first day. You were all laughing at me. Then embarrassment when your uncle smacked me, how to say it then?! Then it was nice to be cared for, it's been ever so long since I had family and I wanted to be a part of one just for a little while." He swiped at his tears, angry at himself for crying yet again. "It went on too long and I didn't know how to stop it or confess so I made myself a promise I would do it at the mountain."

"Are you surprised that we are upset at you?"

No. He wasn't. "It doesn't matter now, does it? We will all die tomorrow."

"We might not. Uncle Dain is coming."

"They will not be enough." Fili said from behind Bilbo, making him skitter away in fright at his harsh tone. "What are you on about Bilbo."

"I came to apologise…"

"No. You might not be so young but you are very transparent. You want something from Kili here, what is it." He advanced to tower over Bilbo. "Smaug again?"

"He didn't force me to try for Smaug, Fili."

"No. He did not, but the thought was his and I am not impressed at all. An adult would have known better."

"I'm only five years younger than you, so you do not have to pretend you are so wise!"

"Brother. Answer me this. Would I have gone with Bilbo here to kill Smaug on my very own? If the answer is yes then I will step away and let Bilbo pull you into his latest scheme."

"I don't have—" Bilbo tried to deny but was cut down as fast as he spoke.

"No more lies!"

Bilbo nearly swallowed his tongue. Fili was going to be a great Thorin. He hunched in on himself and let the brothers at it.

"Well Kili?"

Kili ignored him to turn to Bilbo instead, eyes blazing hurt, "So your apology was not an apology, it was because you wanted something?"

"No. Both. Please Kili...I know how we can save us."

"I don't want to know, if it can save us then tell Uncle!"

"I'm not allowed to speak to him!"

"Fine. This will be good. Let's have it."

"We free Smaug."

Xxx

"Uncle, you have to hear this."

Of course Fili would take him to Thorin. What did he expect. No one liked him anymore.

They hated his plan too.

Xxx

Two days later they were back in their sunny spot. Spread out, tired and dirty. Soon someone would get up and go wash in the river and the rest will follow.

The only difference today was their view. Instead of stark burnt countryside it was now filled with burnt corpses, a gruesome sight, for Smaug had done his job very well. Dain's soldiers were moving fallen bodies away, there will be a mass grave, and amazingly not one dwarf had fallen.

Dain's army had stayed behind the eastern mountain range while Smaug decimated their enemies, and Thorin and his group had hid inside The Gate, not letting any goblins find shelter in their mountains.

For one day and one night, they had stood their ground, all Dwalin's practice sessions had paid off and Bilbo fought right alongside them with a warrior's fervor. And when the time came, Kili and Fili sent mithril arrows up to finish off what the goblins had tried to do, tried for none of their spears could pierce the diamond hard scales. Smaug fell, thanks to Bilbo finding a weak spot with his sharp hobbit eyes, a bare patch on the left side of his chest.

"I have a theory about our Mister Baggins." Fili mused, raising his face to get more sun. It was itchy from blood, some his own and he should go wash soon. As soon as his limbs had stopped trembling, stopped celebrating their relief at still being alive.

Thorin was quick on it. "He is not our anything."

"He is probably our saviour, Uncle. If not for his little plan we would be dead…"

"If we followed his plan we would still be dead."

"His idea then. Our plan." Fili agreed. They had expanded quite a bit on Bilbo's idea. Sent warning to Dain to stay back but keep ready, for Smaug was not going to pick and choose between goblins and dwarfs on the battlefield. They forged new, stronger arrows, and had Gandalf assist in getting the timing of Smaug's release just right, letting the dragon give them another chase through the mountain, straight to the gate where the horde had been close enough to knock. "That is actually what made me think of this."

"I am not interested—" Thorin started only to be thumped by Dwalin.

"Hear him out. I am tired of your sulking face, your highness." He thumped him again for good measure. "His too."

They all turned their eyes to where Bilbo was sat aside, leaning exhausted into Gandalf. He was unaware of their attention and looked near sleep, but Gandalf turned his head curiously to them, as he spoke all languages known.

"Fine. Tell us then nephew."

"As I see it there are two possible answers. We all know dwarfs that are slow to mature. Maybe they are naturally childish like Uncle Aggi or maybe, like Kili here, we like to keep them young and carefree so we don't give them responsibilities and cause them to stay younger than their age?"

"Hey!" Kili protested but Fili wrestled him into a headlock and told him to hush.

"If you were upset with me, Uncle, then I would go to Uncle Dwalin with my plan, not to Kili, I will not be asking him to have a secret digging session during the night and surprise everyone with Smaug."

"Thank you very much." Kili sniffed. "I might have referred him to—"

"Really?"

"Probably not." He sighed. "It would look good to jump out with Smaug when you all were ready to throw yourselves at the goblin's mercy."

"Idiot." He rubbed his knuckles hard over Kili scalp. "Has anyone of you seen any adult behavior during our travels that made you think he was pretending to be a child?"

"He learned to fight…" Dwalin started but Fili flapped his hands at that. Everyone, adult or child can learn to fight.

"The other option is, and I can't say for sure because we've really just met this one hobbit, but maybe they never grow up? They are child sized, could it be they are also child minded and they just think they are adults? What say you Gandalf? Are all hobbits children?"

"No. They would have died out as a race if that was the case."

"Why did you not tell us that fifty counts as adult under them?" Dwalin asked finally.

"I thought it might be good for him. It all worked out well enough, he had a family for a while and now I will take him back to his home." He blew a smoke ring in the shape of a pony and watched it gallop away. "It's up to you if he leaves in disgrace, or if you can find it in yourselves to forgive him. He did prove to be a valuable member of the party either way, did he not? Gave you something to bond over, to consider safety in your travels for, and his plan, silly or not, will be the reason the North is going to be ever in the dwarfs' debt. You've rid the area of a dangerous enemy without any help from Elves or Man, something even I had not thought possible."

"Yes." Fili tried to get them back to the point before pride at their accomplishment derailed them. "So then he is just slow to mature and still need guidance like certain dwarfs we know?"

"If you're talking about me, I am five years younger than you only, that is adult even if you agree or not!"

"No one is asking you to rush into adulthood Kili, stay young as long as you can," Thorin told him. "It is not a bad thing to be — oh for Mahal's sake." Again the group turned as one to look at Bilbo.

Fili released his brother and sat back, his job done.

Xxx

"Let's get clean." Thorin stood up and ordered his company, "Wash up and let Oin tend your wounds."

He crossed to where Gandalf sat and Bilbo shrank into the wizard's side when his shadow fell over them, but he leaned down and picked Bilbo up easily, a move well practiced in their last months. They would pick a sleepy Bilbo from pony to bed, piggyback a tired Bilbo when he could not walk one more step in their pony-less march down a dark forest path, carry a chastised Bilbo back to camp. Bilbo, having suddenly forgotten all that, flailed in surprise, and he had to juggle him a moment before he finally latched onto his neck. "How do you manage to still look pristine, Gandalf, you fought as hard as anyone else here."

"A wizard does not divulge his secrets to mere dwarfs. I might tell you this much perhaps... It. Is. Magic." He smiled at his own joke and Thorin snorted at him. "Where are you taking my little friend to? Last I've seen he was not in your good graces, your highness."

"A wash and a talk. Do you protest?"

He did not. Not that he would have cared much if Gandalf had. As much as they liked their venerable friend there was only so much interference a dwarf would accept and he carried Bilbo off to the stream. Well maybe he would have cared some. Gandalf can be scary after all.

"Talk?" Bilbo worried in his ear.

"You don't want to?"

"I do!"

"That's good."

"I don't!"

"That's not good."

"Nothing is good." Bilbo sniffed and clutched his neck very tight. "It's all so horrible."

"Is that so?"

No answer.

He took Bilbo to the spot he remembered from his own childhood, gathering their packs on the way. It was a little bit secluded, the flow having carved a shallow bathing nook for young dwarfs, and he remembered fondly the endless hot summers spent splashing about with his siblings and cousins.

"Strip." He put Bilbo down on the bank. Before, there used to be a soft grass cover to sun themselves dry in, now it was barren sand. "Let's get clean."

"Can we not talk first?"

In answer Thorin turned him by the arm and smacked the back of his leg. "It's never a request, Bilbo."

"Ow!" He hopped a few feet away, just out of reach and rubbed the spot before turning his attention to his shirt buttons. "But it might be sometimes!"

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't know."

"Come here."

He followed the order quickly now, leaving the button he had been struggling with, to go stand in front of Thorin and tellingly set his hands to cover his bottom. Thorin just took over the button, it was stuck fast to the cloth by dried blood. Why had they not checked him over for wounds yet… "Did you get hurt?"

"You didn't smack so hard," Bilbo sulked, very much interested in digging his toes into the sand.

"I know how hard my smack was, I was talking about the fight. You put up a very good show for your size." He was going to rip the cloth, that won't do. It will be months still until they had good trade to go about ripping clothes. "This will not do, raise your arms, we'll remove it that way." He promptly did so and stared foolishly at the mithril armour it revealed. "What's that?"

"Bifur put it on me last night! I didn't steal it!"

"I didn't ask if you stole it, I was just surprised. Calm down." Calm down yourself too your highness, you thought he stole it. "I know you won't steal."

"I did the Arkenstone, though."

"Arms up." He removed the mithril also. "It's probably good you did, we were all under its thrall, I was ready to kill for it." He turned Bilbo to and fro, checking for wounds, making him grab his bottom in reflex. Good. A little bit of suffering for all he put them through. But he had been suffering for two days now, when should it stop, Thorin? He would have a few good bruises from their war, Oin's balm would take care of that. He would also thank Bifur later, one bruise was right over his heart..."At the very least it is still in the mountain, the heart returned to it, so it is not as bad as it would be if say you had given it away."

"I wouldn't have!"

"That's good. New rule if you are going to live with us, no sticky fingers. It seems you are half dwarf already if shiny things talk to you. So take heart, listen well, I will not have you learn Nori's ways, you will stand for a month if I catch you doing any such nonsense again." He stripped Bilbo's trousers off and saw with some relief that also there was no wounds, some stripes left from his and Kili's strapping the other day only. He swung him into the pool, the water reaching just below his hips.

Bilbo seemed at a loss for words, then finally he burst out, "But you can't spank me I'm not a child!"

"Well then we would have to chop off your hand instead, either way your place is here if you want it."

"How come Nori still has his hands then."

"We do not chop hands off, I was joking." Thorin sighed, it seemed there was no lightening the mood yet. "We jail our thieves, ask him how that feels then if you are planning to lead a life of crime."

"I'm not! I can work! You need farms, I can start a farm."

"It is a myth that dwarfs only mine, you know. We had farms all around the mountain, our own farmers took care of it...it was greener than anything." He stripped his own clothes and joined Bilbo in the water, pulling him closer to start soaping an arm. At his bemused little face he sighed and pressed the soapy bag into his small hand so he could do it himself. It was going to be difficult for a while until they broke the habit, it had been nice to spoil the little hobbit as Kili was grown already. "Anyway, it will be green again soon enough."

"I have to do something to earn my keep," he insisted.

"With your share of the treasury you won't need to work, so you don't have to find something right this minute, especially if you cannot yet decide whether you are adult or child."

Bilbo stopped soaping himself and Thorin waited him out. He had never been good at hiding his emotions and his conflicted feelings was clear for any to see. "Either way is fine with us."

"It's not natural to want to be a child," Bilbo told the water.

"It is fine to take your time growing up. We all have different needs and you do not have to decide this minute also."

"When?" he asked the sky.

"Do you want to stay or go with Gandalf."

"Stay please," he told Thorin's chest.

"Then take your time deciding and in the meantime I will treat you as you act." Thorin shrugged. "Ask Fili or Kili about Uncle Aggi."

All the soap will melt away at the rate Bilbo was washing, and still they need to start trade before they could waste so he pulled him closer again and started scrubbing him. Bilbo let him, standing stiff at first but then ever so slowly relaxing. "You need to apologise to everyone."

"Noooo."

"Individually."

"Nooo! Nori will laugh at me!"

"Probably."

"Can you tell Dwalin not to smack me?"

"No."

"Nooo."

"Kili will probably be the worst, he is the angriest of us all I think."

"Oohhhh." Bilbo moaned and sat down with a splash. Thorin laughed at that and bent down to scrub soap into his hair. It was going to be fine.


	15. Chapter 15

**DWALIN**

"Dwalin! Have you seen the hobbit?" Thorin called behind him, interrupting his study of the mountain and he turned with a grimace at being disturbed.

They had so much to do. Everyone was still jumping from their war and Dain had left them with a company of his best soldiers to sort out any stragglers but they were trained in fighting only. That left Dwalin with the constant task of rostering everyone, guards and scouts to be met with, reports to be parsed, decisions to be made on where best to place their outposts and much more. A good many hands were used to rebuild their barracks and military's grounds, yet another thing he was overseeing and he was currently re-checking their defence.

Their cousin Dain himself had stayed two weeks catching up, letting his dwarfs rest up from their wounds, helping to clear the battlefield. He would most likely meet his own caravans on the way back. Having sent word that the mountain was theirs, they would have families returning and he had made sure to organise more provisions for winter. Dwalin needed to ensure everyone's safety before they arrived, not after.

"Dear Bilbo?" Dwalin laughed at his cousin. "Are you still looking for him? Where would I have seen him, I am up to my eyes in work, there's not a speck of a space for hobbits. Come tell me if you think we should bother excavating this battlement, it is very well situated for archers but it might not be worth it considering the amount of work involved. I am thinking easier to demolish and build new right above it.

"Ask me tomorrow, Dwalin — I am in a hurry."

"There is no tomorrow, your highness, only today. Tomorrow we will cry if this turned out to be our weakest point."

Thorin sighed. "You've been taking lessons from Balin again."

"I am only making sense." He grinned when Thorin pulled a sour face at that and quickly stopped him from going around a certain boulder. One where he certainly should not pass. "This way, your highness, not there, it's closed off by a rockfall." He let Thorin pass him on the small ledge and precede him around the corner and closing his right eye, so as not to see a certain hobbit scamper away, he followed his king. Lately he found himself sympathizing quite a bit with the little lad, especially now that winter was nearly on them.

It was not all subterfuge. He would really appreciate an opinion and the two of them set to work too, excavating to see if it was possible to save the battlement.

"We can save it." Thorin declared hours later and Dwalin nodded and rolled his shoulders against the muscle strain. "Do you need anything else then? Shall I hold your hand while you—"

"Oh are you offering? It's about time!"

Dwalin spent the next ten minutes laughing at Thorin's fast retreating back.

**OIN**

"Oin! Have you seen the hobbit?" Thorin's unexpected call made Oin grab at his chest and sway. He had been deep in thought, calculating the days left until they could expect the first snow, when to start growing the seeds they had traded and was just considering calling Ori over to write his thoughts down when Thorin gave him a scare.

"Mahal save you, if you were not the eldest! Have a care Thorin when you sneak up on someone!"

"I did not sneak, your hearing has gone to the wargs!"

"What!" Oin cupped a hand behind his ear. "Speak up, your highness, I can't hear you!" He had his work cut out not to laugh at his king's aggravated face. Thorin was in an obvious quandary, he knew very well he could be fooling around but there was always the slight chance that Oin really had not heard and might take umbrage at his disability being questioned. Sometimes he did that just for fun.

Thorin took the safe route, and instead of thumping Oin as he deserved repeated in a shout, "Have you seen the hobbit!"

"I've not seen your goblet, did you bring it out with you?" Oh honestly his face was a picture. If only Ori was here he could draw it. "Why would you do that! Listen! I've no time to be wasting searching for your property, your highness, I'm to clear this kitchen garden before it snows and no-one has offered help!" He held out the pickaxe that a helpful Gloin had made him. "I need to clean out this mess and then I want to add compost so that we can be ready for spring!"

Thorin grumbled but set to the business of helping. They needed farms more than they did the small kitchen gardens but Oin was only one dwarf so he had started the job most manageable. For now they would trade for produce but he could start on herbs that was quick to grow and most useful in healing potions and food. Bombur helped with ideas but it was a full time work feeding the crowd they had by now, and Oin could not expect more from him.

He gave Thorin a solid hour of clearing out rocks and things that might be bones, they were not looking too close at it, before he asked in a more normal tone. "Why are you looking for young Bilbo then?"

"I knew it!"

"You knew nothing of the sort," he laughed.

"Next time I will just thump you one, see if I don't." He hacked aggressively at the soil and rolled the rocks he uncovered to the side. "For your trouble I won't tell you."

"Childish. But then they say we tend to resemble the ones we are with the most, are you turning into a child, your highness?"

"Said the dwarf who just pretended he was disabled. You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you seen him or not."

"I have." He shoveled the garbage into the wheelbarrow. "He actually helped here until I kicked him out."

"When did you see him. Why did you let him go." He straightened his back out and breathed deeply. "We need to exercise more."

"We are all exercising. It is only you and Balin sitting in meetings the whole day. Do me that spot then you can go."

"The things we do is necessary too."

"I know your highness." He smiled at Thorin's irritated answer. "I did not say it was not. How's the trade coming along with Lake-town."

"Worst people ever. I thought we might sneak in one night and burn the place down but they have children."

"They trade with the Mirkwood elves, yes? Those silly ones that we saw gallivanting all night."

"Yes those. Why are you changing the subject, tell me about the hobbit."

"Tsk. You only say the hobbit if he is in trouble. What did he do then and I might tell you."

"Tell me first."

"I think you can go search for him without my help." Oin laughed and refused to say anything more except for a see you at dinner. He had heard that Fili and Kili were hunting hare.

**THORIN**

Thorin went to Bombur next. Back into the mountain to the dining area and kitchens, the second place they had restored after their sleeping areas. Everyone needed to sleep and eat and Bilbo more so than most. With Dain leaving them stocks enough to last until the caravans came, Bilbo had taken to visiting the kitchens often to 'help' so it was a good place to search.

The only problem was that Bombur believed visitors were as good as slaves. Hmm. He rolled his stiff shoulders. Maybe that idea was spreading.

"Bombur, I did not come to work," he accepted the knife before it stabbed through his palm, "I only came to enquire as to the whereabouts of a certain hobbit." He caught the potato thrown at his face.

"We only have one of those." Bombur pointed to the table where quite a few more potatoes awaited attention. Well at least there was a stool this time. "So I don't know what you're on about, certain hobbit...oh my word...did more come? Our stocks won't last!"

"My nerves won't last," Thorin snorted and sat himself down to get to work. "What are we doing with this."

"Peel it but do it thick for we will roast the peels with carrots, Bilbo gave me a lovely recipe that would go well with hare."

"So he was here."

"So many times," Bombur sighed and shook his head, despairing.

"What stops you from chasing him out?" Thorin asked curiously, he was on his second potato already and he quickly calculated how long he was going to be stuck if he worked at the same pace through the heap. He peeled faster. "No need to spoil him."

"He washed all that potatoes so he was not useless."

"That's good to hear at least. What was his payment."

"A slice of berry pie."

Oh. Thorin set the knife down and frowned. "Where's mine then? There had better be some left for I will not have our kingdom run on unfairness. Equal payment for all workers, Bombur!"

"Equal? Well alright. I was going to give you the bigger slice, after all you are not a three feet tall little hobbit, but since you insist."

It took some squabbling to get the slice he deserved and he wisely kept peeling while they were at it. He was halfway through the slice of pie before he realized something. The potatoes had been wet.

"When did you say the hobbit had left?"

"Maybe half a minute before you came, he scampered off with the pie when he heard you calling," Bombur said and chuckled, presumably at the memory. It had better not be at him.

You do not anger the cook unless you had your own kitchen. That's what his mother used to say when they were getting on her last nerve while she was preparing meals and he felt it was wise enough to heed the advice still. Thorin chuckled with Bombur. He chuckled when he passed the door and only stopped chuckling when he was well out of earshot.

Xxx

He met his nephews on the way out.

"We know why you are searching for him, Uncle," Fili pre-empted him and smiled. "Our sympathies are with him."

"Very much with him," Kili added. "We saw him and we know where he went but we are not going to tell." He held up the hares they had caught. They were scrawny still but the animals were slowly returning to the area now that Smaug was gone and his nephews had caught enough to satisfy the company. "See this? Bombur is waiting and we will still have to skin and gut them all if we want dinner. And it is an awfully dirty job so our sympathy is definitely with Bilbo."

Thorin crossed his arms.

"Still with Bilbo, Uncle." Fili smiled.

"You'll be sorry," Thorin said simply and hid his amusement when Kili took a step in behind Fili. Not that kind of sorry but he didn't mind the lad worrying. Helping Bilbo indeed! "On your way then, I would like dinner early tonight." For their punishment he kept the existence of the pie to himself.

Xxx

Searching for a naughty hobbit was a tiring job, more than he would have thought possible. There were other ways to do this though, and he settled himself on a high rock at the entrance, pulling out his pipe. From here he could see quite well the comings and goings of everyone. He should have done this from the start. They all used the main gate for it was the safest part still, excavation and restoration will only really start when more dwarfs came.

Surprisingly it had been Bilbo that liked exploring the dangerous areas, hobbits lived in holes he said, sobbing and sniffling into Thorin's shirt after one such adventure, rubbing his hot bum. The dark didn't scare him and it wasn't as if he had been lost. Safe little holes filled with soft furniture, Thorin had objected, not crumbling caves half destroyed by careless dragons.

"No meetings today then?" Nori, having climbed up easily, settled in next to him and took up his own pipe. No, that was Dori's pipe if he wasn't mistaken. "Taking a holiday?" Nori asked, tipping Thorin's tobacco into Dori's pipe and lighting it with Dwalin's flint.

"Really?" Thorin held out his hand for his pouch. "Dwalin? You're looking for trouble there."

"Well I was quite bored." Nori shrugged. "Trouble has its own kind of fun."

"If you say so. Anything new in Lake-town?"

Nori was an excellent spy and for a while they discussed their neighbouring town and its problems. It had been Dwalin's suggestion to use him such for the dwarf had a way of not being seen, and when he wanted to he could be near invisible. Mostly he spied on the markets, making sure the prices they paid was not inflated by the avaricious sellers. The elves were not to be trusted either, Thorin wished Elrond's lot lived closer but so far they managed to make do with Nori's intelligence. He hoped in this way they could avoid idiotic wars, for the elves were sided-eyeing their treasury. He might not suffer gold sickness, thank Mahal, but that didn't mean he was just going to give their treasure away.

"I am not going to find Bilbo for you."

"Oh for the love of Mahal, why not! You sympathize with him too now?"

"No your highness. I sympathize with myself. Last time I brought him to you he and I came to an agreement."

"He is not in trouble." Thorin chewed his pipe feeling quite aggravated. "Yet. You would be doing him a favour to bring him now."

"It does not matter. I will not."

Thorin eyed his thief turned spy thoughtfully. "Hmm."

Nori sighed. "There's a colony of fire ants in the mountain. Bilbo knows exactly where to find them and I do not wish to be eaten alive while I sleep."

Thorin choked on his inhale and once he had stopped coughing he exclaimed his shock. "He threatened you! Why didn't you tell me to sort him out?"

"Frankly, threatening him with telling you is losing its power," Nori said and shrugged. "According to Bilbo he would happily take a whipping each time I bring him to you for he will be distracted by thoughts of me suffering a thousand and one bites."

"I will have a talk with him anyway."

"No you will not. He will just retaliate back on me and since I will not sit still and just take it, it will spark a war that will make your worries about the elves and men seem insignificant in comparison."

Thorin was not convinced.

"Fine. Let me put it this way, your highness. If you talk to Bilbo about this or anything related to myself I will make it my business to find that ant colony and you will not sleep easy for a year either."

"It is not good to let him get away with blackmail." Or anyone else. He narrowed his eyes on Nori to little effect.

"Oh please. Soon the mountain will be filled with dwarfs, I am quite fine with him being able to sort his own business and you should be too. If I was really bothered about the ants I would just slather him in honey and cuddle up to him every night until he gets the message that he would be bit too."

Xxx

Bifur and Bofur would not bring Bilbo to him, he didn't even bother to search them out. In fact they would make effort to hide the lad if they saw him coming. Bilbo could very well be hiding with them right this minute, they used him as a test subject for their toys when they took a break from making furniture and he enjoyed it as much as he enjoyed their company. Well it did take a while after the big age reveal for Bilbo to enjoy the toys without embarrassment but he was helped along with Kili and Fili who would ever be young enough at heart to join in games.

That left Ori but the library was far and there was too much work to be done and all of it dusty, Thorin could be stuck for hours. He decided not to bother. Gloin, for all that he was a father himself was the least involved with Bilbo, and considering the reason he was searching for the lad might even help Thorin search, but he might just laugh his head off, which was a much more likely thing to happen. He was always ready to tell some story about how, when Gimli was small he did something worse, and what fun it was to see Thorin suffer the same fate as all fathers before him. As if he had not gone through this process with his nephews already. He did not have much patience for that today.

"Dori!" He called out to the dwarf walking below.

"Are you still at it?" Dori grinned up to him.

"I am thinking to give up."

"Don't bother. I saw him a minute ago and twisted his ear some. If you sit tight he might appear."

Thorin frowned at that.

Dori read him fine enough and snorted, rolling his eyes. "Figuratively, your highness."

"Why are you helping when everyone else had decided not to?"

"Oh easy. Hare is a particular favourite of mine and it is starting to be late, so as amusing as it is to see you being given the runaround, I don't want to delay dinner. He should be along soon."

Xxx

Thorin did not have to wait long after Dori had waved him goodbye for Bilbo to slink in from the same direction, coming to an unsure stand under his rock. He puffed on his pipe and eyed the lad in silence.

Since they had settled in Bilbo had been complaining about the stream getting ever colder with the coming winter frost but still went with them on their daily ablutions. Only in the last week had Thorin and Balin been too busy for him to follow on what Bilbo was up to and this morning when he had sat down at breakfast it was obvious by his odour that he had skipped some vital business. He had seen Thorin's noticeable sniff in his direction and Thorin's request for a private talk after the meal had gone completely ignored. He disappeared in the space of a blink.

He could now track the day's activity on Bilbo's skin. Mud from the gardening between his toes, scuffed knees where he had climbed the mountain side with Dwalin (that liar!), pie on his cheek which he must have had in a hurry while rushing to escape, he usually ate with more finesse than that, and topping it all there was bookdust in his hair.

"I'm sorry I sneaked off..." Bilbo interrupted his musings, pressing his right heel into his toes, a nervous habit that said he might run. "Are you angry?"

"No."

The little shoulders sagged in relief. Then tensed up again. "Furious?"

"Not at all."

He sagged again. Tensed on thinking up some more nonsense and his face twisted in worry. "Are you not angry but still going to punish me or not angry and all is fine in dwarftown?"

"I am not angry and not going to punish you but you will wash." Dwarftown indeed.

"Oh but I will die! It's too cold!"

"Or not eat."

"You can't do that! It's hare!"

"Mind who you're talking to, lad."

"Yes, sir." His bottom lip stuck out.

"You will wash because I cannot enjoy my food next to your smell," he said and Bilbo turned pink at that. "And next time I tell you to wait you will do exactly that or else you will suffer my wrath. Let's go." Thorin ignored his sulk and pointed him into the mountain to go fetch his clothes and towel.

"You know, I can just jump quickly in the stream for now and do a proper one tomorrow." Bilbo offered where he was dragging his feet behind Thorin. Thorin usually preferred him in front but not today with the smell. "I really did take a bath yesterday I just didn't swim in the stream like you lot... So it would be okay to skip one day, right? No need to go aalll the way to the rooms then aalll the way back to the stream and then aalll the way back to the rooms again to put everything back. I am sooo tired of walking."

"That would be your own fault then, wouldn't it?"

A long sigh behind him. They entered the mountain and Bilbo must have been sulking very strongly for it took a whole ten minutes after they had passed the exit to their sleeping area before he realised their path was different. "Is this the right way? Maybe I should walk ahead?"

"I do not get lost in the mountain."

"..." He lasted a minute. "We passed the rooms…"

"We are not going to the rooms."

"But…"

"Quiet, lad. You had your fun today, now it is my turn."

It seemed Bilbo did not like others having fun for this set him off grumbling under his breath the rest of the way. Food was mentioned quite a few times in a worrying tone but Thorin ignored it all. At the very end a small hand tucked into his. "Can you at least carry me?"

"No. You are too dirty." He might have but they had reached their destination and Thorin went through the archway and quickly stepped to the side, releasing the sticky fingers.

"Please!" Bilbo cried, finally giving up, only to come to a shocked stop. "Oh..!"

The chamber was huge, but unlike the rest of the mountain the chill was markedly absent, the air immediately hot against their skin. Thorin stood back, happy to watch Bilbo's face move from aggravation to an expression of awe. He and Balin had worked hard on the surprise. They had also had a celebratory session last night when Bilbo and the rest were asleep.

"It's a hot bath." Bilbo breathed in delight, stating the obvious. "But I've been here and there was nothing...how?"

"Exactly when did you come here, Bilbo Baggins."

"Aargh, long ago and not after you said I shouldn't. Please don't spoil the bath! It's a bath, Thorin! How!"

"We have aqueducts and just needed to fix some blockages along the way." It was not so difficult and he had been surprised that no one else had thought of it yet, as everyone had started to complain about the cold. Well they were all busy, but still. It took them a week of nightly toil, but thankfully Balin, the only one he had trusted on the secret, was a strong digger. The others were going to kill him. He grinned. After they killed him they would probably build a statue in his honour. There might even be songs. "Did you truly think all dwarfs that ever lived here just bathed in a cold stream outside the mountain?"

"Yes. Yes I did." Bilbo laughed and stepped to the edge of what was a huge pool, kneeling to dip his fingers in. "It's hot! Not warm! Hot hot!"

"The steam could have been a clue."

Bilbo giggled at that, turned to Thorin to say something but instead he sobered up. "Oh no. I am too dirty!" he cried nonsensical.

"Idiot. A bath will take care of that."

"No but all the water will be dirty and what if I want to bath again tomorrow how do we empty it — it is so big!"

"It's not a tub," Thorin started to explain, but then realized he had quite enough of drama for the day, he was tired himself and explanations on hot springs and drainage and sewers could wait for another time. Or never. Dinner was Bombur's famous hare! He scooped Bilbo up, revelling in his surprised shout, and getting a bit of revenge for the unwanted game of hide and seek he had been forced to play, he swung him high and flung him unceremoniously into the pool.


	16. Chapter 16

"You have to stop calling the mountain Dwarftown." Kili told Bilbo, who hadn't even heard himself say that, being too intent on complaining about mothers. He was also flicking Bilbo's ear and he flapped the dwarf's fingers away.

"Well I can't call it The Lonely Mountain anymore now that it's full up, can I?"

They were both lying on their stomachs, hiding high up on a ledge, it was a perfect spot for observing the main cavern beyond the entrance unseen. The big hall was being used as a gathering place where dwarfs exchanged their wares and visited with their friends and everyone generally spent a big part of their day there. The mountain, and even the cavern wasn't fully occupied at all, but the few hundred that came from Dain the week before had felt like thousands. And they were only the first of the caravans!

Bilbo hated it. He had become used to their little group. He even enjoyed visiting the soldiers with Fili and Kili from time to time, listening to their stories and practicing their swordplay but these crowds were too much. And there was children too! And women! He had honestly thought dwarfs procreated rarely or not at all but these dwarfs was nearly as prolific as themselves.

No one minded that he was a hobbit. No one had asked him his age either. When he had questioned it Fili had shrugged and reminded him of the mythical uncle Aggie. Dwarfs tended to treat others by how they acted and since they were so long lived it was deemed perfectly fine to not want to grow up fast. He could be who he wanted to be around them.

The problem was his size. He was around the same height as their ten year olds and ten year old dwarfs were very much still being babied. Well hobbits too, ten was very young. Only thing on their mind at that age was running about with their friends, games, more games, food and especially if it was sweet food… and mothers and hugs. He was being hugged to death. He was being mothered to death. Worst of all was that they had taken to giving Thorin advice.

Down below Thorin was standing with just such a mother. He looked to all appearances quite relaxed, just the king having a chat, but every now and then his head turned to search the crowd. He never once looked up but still Bilbo shrunk deeper into the shadows, not taking any chances. Kili patted his back in sympathy.

"I'm glad I am not in your shoes today, little Bilbo," Kili whispered. "Oh wait…"

"Shut up." Bilbo stuck his face in his hands.

"...you're not in your..."

"Kili!"

Kili sniggered softy and continued undeterred, "...shoes either…" he gasped in silent laughter, "...are you!"

"I hate you sometimes," he told the dwarf who was now in spasms next to him, giggling uncontrollably at his own little joke. "You're going to fall off and I won't cry."

"You will cry little brother. I am your favourite."

Telling him Fili was, and quibbling about the reasons for that preference whiled away some of the time and worry. Thorin, Yavanna damned him, must have decided that all hobbits would eventually pass through the market and never moved from his spot.

Lunch came and went.

"You don't have to stay with me, Kili, it's not as if you're in trouble so why don't you go eat?"

"Uncle will give me one look and know that I know exactly where you are hiding. I won't tell him but…" he shrugged. There was a way to go down without being seen but then they would still have to pass the entrance to go in or out, which would put them very much in the hands of their strategically placed king.

Bilbo found it completely understandable that he didn't want to get into trouble with his uncle by being complicit to Bilbo's silliness, after the fact or not. Curiosity had made Kili follow him up to his hiding spot and now he was stuck there until Bilbo had worked up the nerve to go confess. Which would be never. Or perhaps dinnertime. His stomach rumbled. It's not as if he had missed breakfast so he told it to shut up too and Kili giggled again.

They played 'I Spy', Kili braided Bilbo's hair four times and they watched the world below them. Not once did Kili nag at him to give himself up, even though they both knew very well that hiding did not solve anything. They knew that Thorin would penalize Bilbo for the act of hiding too, probably with some extra swats, but extra meant nothing if you were going to get it anyway.

Dinnertime crept near and started a serious discussion. Well serious on Bilbo's part. Kili had been dozing off and on the last hour and needed to be prodded with a sharp finger to take part. "If I go now then it's an hour for your uncle to nag and it gives me an hour to rest before the meal. Do you think I'll be able to sit by then?" Bilbo asked. Hobbits really liked to sit and take their time in eating.

"Don't let him hear you call it nagging." Kili yawned and turned back onto his stomach to peek over the ledge.

"Well I don't like saying I will get sp..smacked." It was the least favourite part of being allowed to be young. "I am serious, Kili. From your experience if I go down exactly at dinnertime will I get to eat first or will your uncle be … impatient. It's not as if he is hungry." Bilbo also peeked down to see Thorin snacking yet again on something someone had brought him, it was too far to see what it was and could have been rat for all he knew but it made his mouth water anyway.

He had thought to sneak down at lunch but Thorin had planted himself like an Oak, rooted himself, no need for him to go eat when everybody was fawning over him so, too happy to serve him. If he didn't know better he would have thought Thorin knew exactly where he was hiding and was eating extra just to goad him into coming out. Did he always eat so much? Bilbo think not. Oh if only he hadn't lied then this could have been all over by now! "Are you hungry?"

"Not much."

"I am." He sighed. "What if I waited until bedtime. You think he will wait until tomorrow to nag?"

"Uncle will call out a search party if you do not show at dinnertime."

"He won't!"

"Yes, he will. He is starting to worry. You missing lunch is fine but missing dinner is abnormal behavior for you. Lucky we have more dwarfs now so if we lose someone there's many that will happily join the search."

"Nooo." Bilbo's heart sank at the idea of everyone knowing he was in trouble. "He will make me apologize to them…"

"Yes."

"You're not helping!"

"Do you want me to help?"

"Yesss."

"Will you trust me?"

He would. Kili nodded on that admission and pushed him to go down. "Stay low, this is a good hiding spot no need to give it away."

He was fighting scared tears by now but obeyed the dwarf and soon they were down on the ground, hidden by a huge pillar. "I can't face him, Kili…" walking over was going to be impossible.

"Trust me."

"Kili noo!" He tried to kick the dwarf when he found himself unexpectedly picked up but Kili was stronger and already crossing the cavern. Surprisingly no one paid them much attention. They must not know anything then, Bilbo thought. He had eyes only for Thorin who stuffed the pastry he had been eating into his mouth, dusted the crumbs from his fingers and held out his arms for Kili to deposit him right where he didn't want to be.

"Hello Uncle. Sorry, he was safely with me the whole day. Shall I bring him dinner to his room?"

"That would be best."

Bilbo flung his arms around Thorin's neck and raged at Kili. "I don't want anything from you!"

Xxx

"Please Thorin, I can walk," he begged in the hall. There was still time to run if only the dwarf would put him down…

"I don't think so."

"I remembered where I left my shoes and I will go fetch them if you would just let me down!" If he started running now he could be halfway to the Shire by tomorrow.

"Do you want to be lying to me right now?"

"How do you know it's a lie!"

"Stop shouting in my ear lad."

"Sorry." He apologized in a softer tone and hugged Thorin's neck harder. "How do you know it's a lie." This time it sounded teary and he wished for a hole to put his face in.

"You would not have skipped lunch if you had your shoes."

The damn shoes. The ones they had brought months ago after their little incident with the trolls. That damned shoes! Somehow Thorin had kept them with him all the way across Middle-earth, had held onto them as if they were the precious Arkenstone themselves to pluck them out like a magic trick the moment one of the mothers asked him if he was aware that his son's toes were turning blue. What does it matter that the floors were cold, just give him time to get used to it! It's not as if he was going outside to gallivant in the snow! He had heard it snowed once in the Shire, long ago when the Thain was young, and it was not as if there was hobbits walking about without feet! No one suddenly started wearing shoes either!

"I've heard it all before," Thorin said and hitched him higher up his chest. "Stop muttering in my ear if you please."

"How about I stay quiet and never say anything then?" The smack was not unexpected but it startled the two dwarfs passing them, and it stung too familiar. Strangely enough it made the tension that held him together disappear and he sagged with a sob in Thorin's arms. The expectation was always worse than the actual with Thorin. Opposite with Dwalin. Not that he wanted either! "I'm sorry!"

Xxx

"It's just shoes!" He cried desperately when Thorin set him on his feet once they've reached his bedroom, and tried to twist out of his grip.

"That you threw away in a spoiled tantrum instead of wearing them as you were told to. I want you to keep your toes." Thorin marched him to the chair that Bofur had made for him — was it for him or for Thorin and this kind of situations? He should maybe put some ants in their room…

Bilbo stopped struggling when Thorin sat down and pulled him between his knees, this was the time to grab his bum and he did so. It never helped but he wasn't going to stop trying! "Where is your shoes," Thorin asked.

"I shan't say!" He was crying uncontrollable by now, only half of it from being scared, the other half was for being called spoiled. He wasn't!

"That will be a spanking then."

"It wasn't going to be?"

"Did I not tell you to bring them back and I would consider the issue closed? Do I make a habit of lying to you?"

"No."

"It seems though that you are starting a habit of lying to me."

"I'm not!"

"Truly? Did you not say this morning that you left your shoes at the baths and would go fetch them? Then you disappeared. And just a minute ago you—"

"I was scared you would be angry!" He wanted to swipe at his tears for they were tickling his chin, the hot salt making his skin itch but it was more important to hold his bum. He wiped his chin on his shoulder. "I was right, wasn't I?"

"You say it as if I was going to be angry for the wind blowing in the trees. Let me explain to you why I am upset. I am upset that you were careless with your property, I am upset that you lied to me about what you did and yes I understand that you were scared for a spanking but that is something you yourself could have avoided by just doing as you were told. I am also upset that you hid from me practically the whole day and the last time you did so I warned you that you will regret it, yes?"

Bilbo cried louder. Could he just get it over with!

"You will get a spanking for throwing away your shoes and you will be grounded for hiding from me."

"Nooo. Grounded how!"

"Early bedtime for the rest of the week."

That wasn't so bad. Thorin must be going soft.

"Come then, let's get this over with," he said the dreaded words and pulled Bilbo to him.

It was awful. The worst part was Thorin always wanting to see his handiwork, so there was always the shame of having his pants dropped and then smacked on the bare like a fauntling. He grabbed for his pants like each time before, but was no match for a determined dwarf and he found himself hanging over Thorin's lap wailing his apologies at the fire of the first smack. His bum blazed by the second one. Thorin was not going soft! This was his last thought before his brain scrambled under the shock and horror of being smacked. This part was pain and sorries and please no mores, promises to behave... He never remembered it coherently.

Xxx

The bit that was the best was always when it was over. Not just that it was over, that too of course, but that Thorin cuddled him until he stopped crying and then some. Always. No matter how long it took. He also didn't mind Bilbo making his shirt soggy with stuff that was not all tears and never pulled a face at it either. Bilbo had a secret game of how much he can sniff before he got handed a handkerchief.

Kili had brought food long since and he was hungry enough that he could certainly eat while salting the food with his tears but he was still angry at him and ignored the plate because the back-stabbing dwarf had touched it. Never mind the fact that he would never have had the courage to move from behind that pillar himself.

"Why can't you just retrieve the shoes?" Thorin asked curiously between patting and rubbing his back.

"I don't want to say," he admitted tiredly into his shirt.

"Because I'll be upset."

"Maybe."

"If you can't retrieve it we might be able to. It would be easier than making new ones."

"You're going to make me new ones!" He sat up in shock. "Owww! But you spanked me already!"

"I spanked you because you threw your shoes away, Bilbo, not instead of making you wear them! How on earth did you get that idea?" They gaped at each other. "Bifur is coming to measure your feet and you're going to wear shoes until all the damned snow melted or we will be having words." Bilbo must have looked about to say he was fine with words, feeling very brave now so Thorin upped the stakes. "I am sure he would still have scraps left to make me a nice thick strap too. Is that what you want, lad?"

"No!"

"Good. Where's your shoes."

Bilbo's chin wobbled but he raised it bravely. "They are keeping the Arkenstone company."

"Well then." Thorin sighed. He pulled Bilbo back into their hug and settled his chin on his sweaty curls. "I suppose I should be glad it's not alone."

"I'm sorry."

"Yes. I know."

Xxx

"I don't want to go out." Bilbo told Nori who had come to fetch him for breakfast, and kicked his feet angrily.

Bifur had indeed made him shoes. He must have worked through the night for it was ready in the morning. Not the hard boots that the men made but a soft slipper like boot that came up halfway to his calf. With fur inside! It was the first time his feet had been warm in weeks but he wasn't going to admit it. It was also the first time he hadn't thanked Bifur for giving him something but the dwarf had just rubbed his hair into a mess and left. There was a picture of a rabbit printed on the sides which was so horribly childish but the boot was so nice he loved it and he hated it at the same time.

"Why," Nori asked as if it wasn't obvious.

"Everyone knows that... I am sure they do..."

"That you got spanked?"

"Don't say that!"

"Beaten? Smacked? Tsk, it was a baby spanking, I heard it."

He heard it! Who else heard it! What did he mean baby spanking! "You wanted him to smack me more?'"

"That's not what I said. Come now, it's not like you to delay breakfast. If it helps you to know, their sympathy is with you."

"Whose sympathy?" He rubbed the rabbit to see if it can come off. Babyish!

"The mothers that is bothering you so. I passed Thorin just now and three of them were taking him to task for punishing you so 'harshly'. You're just a poor little hobbit far from your home and he needn't beat you for not being used to shoes."

"Really?" Bilbo felt himself perk up at that.

"Yes. According to them he should find better ways to discipline you and could rather have taken the time to explain to you the benefits of keeping your toes." Nori laughed at him, which was what he usually did, and instead of making him feel angry it was comforting in its familiarity.

Maybe things were not changing that much now that the mountain was filling up with mothers.


	17. Chapter 17

They had opened up an office for Thorin. He hadn't wanted one but it made sense to have their meetings in a private place and not the kitchens like he had done initially.

It was the main kitchen now while everyone sorted their housing, and Bombur had lots of help but it also meant there was no privacy. The dwarfs that came from the Iron Hills would expect a snack if they had to discuss their issues in the kitchen and Bombur was the first one to complain that he couldn't just chase them away with a towel like he would one of their own company, and men and elves certainly respected someone behind a desk more.

So he had his father's office opened and refurbished. After being away for nearly two centuries everything had understandably been in tatters, the only thing standing strong was the large stone desk that could double duty as a conference table for a medium sized group. Anything wooden, not just here but all over the mountain, was rotten and used to fuel their winter fires now. Gone was the heavy tapestries that spanned the walls, intricate stories of their history since Durin's days lost. Not lost Dain had said, his people still had artists making them and Thorin could expect some in a future caravan.

For now rugs traded from the men, mixed with furs from elves lined the floor, and the hearth was giving off a welcome heat making the big room feel surprisingly cozy. He did not mind spending the day there when needed and today he had Bilbo keeping him company. Bilbo had set himself up in a nest of blankets and pillows, close enough to the fire to be really toasty, and settled in with a stack of books borrowed from the library. The only sounds were the merry crackling of the fire, his intermittent sneezes on turning an especially dusty page and Thorin's scribbling of pen on paper. Thorin felt it to be a quite relaxing way to spend a cold winter's day.

"We're quite upset with you, uncle!" Fili and Kili burst in.

Damn them. He was going to have to discard the letter now, he glared at the long ink stripe that was the result of their noisy entrance. His sister, Dis would not be impressed to receive such and paper was not something to be wasted so he turned his glare on his nephews who for once didn't seem impressed.

"All the kids are going sledding and they were looking forward to Bilbo joining them. Did you know it never snowed in the Shire?" Fili asked.

"I am well aware of that."

"We never saw this much snow either," Kili took his turn.

"Yes, I am aware of that too."

"So why are we allowed to go and not Bilbo? Kids younger than him are going, Uncle it is not fair!"

"Come to think of it maybe it is not so wise to let the two of you—"

"Uncle!" Fili protested. "We will be watching over Bilbo, he will be as safe as a goblin on a warg!"

He set his pen down with particular care and narrowed his eyes at his sister's sons. He did not now, nor had he ever appreciated being shouted at. "The answer is no. It is too dangerous for him and before you start on his age again I am talking size, his bones are not as sturdy as those of the dwarflings half his size, a wrong fall and he will be crushed. You might not have seen snow before but you are at least used to climbing mountains, he is not. You might not be able to keep him safe no matter what care you took, and it might not be your fault if something happened but you would still blame yourselves. Do you want that on your conscience?"

They didn't. In his corner Bilbo pulled a blanket over his head.

"It's still unfair, Uncle," Kili tried in a whine. "At least let him come watch?"

"No."

Xxx

"No," Thorin told Dwalin ten minutes later, not surprised at his cousin coming to run interference on Bilbo's part. He had turned quite malleable where Bilbo was concerned ever since he had shown his worth as a fighter and strategist by saving them all.

"All the other children are going to do it."

"You sound like Bilbo now. But Adaaad all the other children are doing it." Thorin snorted.

"He calls you Adad now?" Dwalin turned curiously to watch Bilbo who was pretending to read very intently, his nose nearly rubbing the ink off the page, the tips of his ears glowing a healthy pink.

"No. I am just giving an example of how he sounds. He is not calling me Adad."

"No one would mind if he did."

"I know, Dwalin, I wouldn't either but he already had a father and he is not looking for another."

"Well then if you're not his father then he doesn't need to ask permission to go."

"This is why you should leave the politics to Balin. I'm his king and as such I am tasked with his and everyone else's safety. If he moves out of this mountain without my permission there will be trouble…"

Dwalin growled his irritation out. "Nothing will happen to him, he is fifty years old. Little Keley is going and she is barely twenty."

"Age." Thorin scoffed. "I don't trust that anymore, and between you and me, I've mostly given up on treating him like an adult. He is as fifty as he wants to be. Some days even less than others. It is not me you should bother in this, it is Keley's parents that needs a talking to for they are irresponsible to let her go. Go away."

He did not miss Dwalin pulling an I'm sorry face at Bilbo on his way out.

Bilbo turned a page carefully and snuggled deeper into his little nest of blankets and furs. "I didn't say that," he grumbled softly to the book.

"What."

"I didn't say but Adaaad…"

"I know you didn't. I was taking artistic licence."

"I wouldn't have said it like that."

He definitely would have. Thorin knew him well enough by now, thank you very much. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way, lad," Thorin sighed, was he sulking? He was just trying to help, wasn't he? "It was Dwalin, he needed to be distracted or he would figure us out."

"Perhaps I should do it? Everyone is going to think bad of you..."

"Nonsense. They've thought worse. You do not have to do anything that you don't want and I am well able to run interference for you if you don't want to tell them you don't like to go break your neck careening down the mountain in some imbecile game. You've fought goblins, I know you're not a coward. You might think to tell me which of the children were teasing you about it so that I can turn their ears inside out, but that is all that I want. Come to think of it I would have said no anyway, I prefer you with your bones intact."

That seemed to satisfy Bilbo for he graced Thorin with a smile and relaxed his grip on the book. Thorin sighed to himself and tried to concentrate on his letters. He had already written everything he could think of to Dis and had started on one to Elrond but could not concentrate past Bilbo's dilemma.

It seemed he had not quite been making friends all over like Thorin had thought. The children had come up with the idea of a sled race, this was a fun wintersport on Dain's mountains just as it had been here in the past, and his natural hobbit fear of snow and ice had understandably made him hesitant. Then some of the younger dwarfs started teasing him for being frightened which made him defend himself, saying Thorin wouldn't allow him.

Early morning had him crawling into Thorin's bed, fearfully admitting to his lies, begging for help and of course Thorin could not say no. He did try to convince Bilbo that the teasing would stop if he just stood his ground, he did not have to do something he thought dangerous just because of peer pressure, but when Bilbo was adamant he did not push. He was covering for him today, but there was still the question of tomorrow and how not to let the dwarflings walk all over their hobbit.

Xxxx

"All of us did it as children and we were fine."

Thorin pressed his fingers to his temples and tried to massage the headache away. Oin would probably be rooting for Bilbo and give him a potion to increase it or he might have searched the dwarf out. "Balin. You broke your leg the first time and walked with a limp for years."

"That was Dwalin's fault. He thought himself funny and pushed the sled before I was ready."

"Well I am not sure these lot won't do the same. Childish humour hasn't changed over the years and unlike you Bilbo isn't a sturdy dwarf. The answer is no. Why are you here anyway, who sent you. Dwalin?"

"I don't need to be sent when you are stopping the lad from having innocent fun. Breaking a bone is not the end of the world but not being allowed to do something all the other children are doing might be."

"No. That's nonsense too, tomorrow all the other children will jump down a ravine... No."

"Perhaps we could talk privately? Let Bilbo wait outside a moment."

"No."

"Fine, you are aware he fought goblins and orcs right next to us, there is no reason to start pampering him at this stage!"

"Keeping him safe is not pampering. If tomorrow there is a war he will fight right alongside us like before. Careening on an uncontrollable sled down a steep mountain is an unnecessary risk that he need not take."

When Thorin stood his ground Balin left in a huff and Bilbo set his book down to offer a worried, "Maybe I should go with them...everyone is angry at you now."

"No. You are not allowed."

"But…"

"It's too dangerous, Bilbo. I might not have managed to convince the others of it but I had certainly convinced myself."

"So even if I change my mind now and want to go, I can't?"

"Exactly."

"But…"

"No buts." Perhaps he should have let Balin and Dwalin in on the secret, they could certainly help to solve the problem but those two could not act for the life of them and they were the first ones the others looked to for guidance on how to respond. They would rush off to find out who had been teasing him and take the whole mountain to task, and probably send the whole lot of them back to Dain too. He couldn't very well let them do that since he had promised Bilbo he himself would not do exactly that.

Xxx

Bombur brought a tray full of snacks. Sweets and pastries piled high, enough for three dwarfs and Thorin could smell his favourite curry chicken from where he sat. He placed the tray with careful deliberation next to Bilbo and walked out without a word to either one.

Thorin did not know if he should laugh or cry and it seemed poor Bilbo felt the same. He looked uncomfortable from the tray to Thorin and back. "Maybe he will still bring you yours?"

"I doubt it." And when Bilbo started to tear up, he rolled his eyes. "You're allowed to share with me, Bilbo, in fact I demand you share."

"If Bombur finds out…"

"He'll just think you're a kindhearted lad," he said and since Bilbo did not look in a hurry to share, he was a hobbit after all, Thorin went and helped himself to exactly half. He did not miss Bilbo silently counting the amount he took and comparing it against those left on the tray and privately laughed at him in his beard.

Xxx

The little dwarfling walked in with a purpose and Thorin raised his eyebrows at the pillow and blanket that she carried. "Amad said I can come stay with Bilbo."

"Did she now."

"Yes, sir." Keley Ironfoot said with a sharp nod. Cousin of Dain and some ways removed himself, she already had a regal air that would give nothing but trouble as she grew.

"Do you not want to go sledding, then?" he asked her curiously. Behind her Bilbo appeared just as interested in the answer.

"I will go when he goes."

"And if I never allow him to go?"

"That would not be nice." She dropped her pillow next to Bilbo's. "Everyone says you're very nice so maybe sometime you might let him go, then I will also." She dropped her blanket next to Bilbo, threw Thorin a piercing look and thereafter ignored him, turning her full attention to Bilbo. "What are you reading?"

They came in dribs and drabs. Some boisterous, bringing a game, and others, shy from their new king, sneaking in quietly with a book. Bombur and his staff brought more food and drinks, again not putting anything in front of Thorin but when Bilbo brought him a share the others did the same, taking their cue from him.

Every now and then one of them would sidle up to Thorin for a little privately whispered chat.

"One time I broke my arm and it is fine now, see…" and the arm was shoved under his nose.

"Adad always let me try out new things, he says it's good to experience everything life puts in our path," a serious faced lad tried to teach him, "this is how we grow into strong dwarfs."

"If you let Bilbo come with us then I promise to hold his hand the whole time. He can share my sled, I am always taking care of the smaller kids so I have experience. Lots and lots of experience." This last was said with a sad sigh and Thorin smiled under his beard at remembering the little dwarfling was eldest of five where most usually settled on two.

By the time Nori showed his face there were a score of them and he had to step high not to squash someone, Dori frowning at his side did the same. Thorin despaired, not another one…just give him one that agreed with him and he would die a happy dwarf.

"Here you go." Nori set a small note on the desk and sat himself on the edge, turning to look at the crowd of dwarflings. "What's this, a protest?"

"Solidarity with their oppressed friend," Thorin said, more interested in the paper. Three names, none of them present. He had seen them about, rough and tough lads, not worse than he and his cousins had been at that age. "It seems no one will ever go sledding again if Bilbo can't. Do you think I should fold under the pressure?" Little ears perked up all around.

"Well not today, it is too late already."

"True, also I cannot fold too soon for that might be a sign of weakness in a king and I am sure our dwarfs want a strong leader." An unhappy titter swept through the small crowd.

"Well a sure sign of strength would be listening to your citizens," Dori gave his opinion and Thorin nearly groaned. "Then again, did the citizens really listen to you and Bilbo?"

"Dori..." Thorin tried, for next to his brother, still perched comfortably on his desk, Nori grinned expectantly. This could not be good. Could it? Bilbo had popped up from his lazy sprawl and was looking at him with wide beseeching eyes to interfere, but he shook his head softly to wait, deciding to see where it would go.

Dori waved him silent with a flap of his hand, his attention directed at the dwarflings under his feet. "I distinctly remember hearing Bilbo say that he didn't want to go sledding, hands up who else heard him say that," he questioned in a no-nonsense schoolmaster voice, and quite a few of them raised a hand in the air, automatically obeying the tone. "So we have at least half of you not caring about what your friends want. Can you even call yourselves his friend?" He shook his head at them and clicked his tongue and the young faces turned pink under his criticism. "Bilbo doesn't have to give you a reason for not wanting to do something, not wanting is a reason enough on its own. He is older than you also and he would certainly know better what is safe for him to do and what's not. Did you think of that?"

Heads shook. No, they didn't.

"Did he tell you that hobbits grow up in a flat country, no mountains higher than this?" Dori's chastising tone had them in a nervous thrall and the wide eyes of twenty dwarflings followed his finger pointing at the desk. "They never see even a lick of snow and you want Bilbo to go slide down a mountain of it as if he was born on one? Did his highness tell you Bilbo was not allowed? That it was too dangerous?"

Heads nodded. He did.

"And you've all decided to ignore your king." He shook his own head at them. "Which one of you will travel to Bilbo's family to tell them we got him killed because our children cannot listen to their king? Frankly, even if your king changed his mind, I would still not trust Bilbo to go out with anyone of you, not even to pick flowers." His words now dripped with disdain and Thorin felt a moment of sympathy for the young dwarves it was directed at. "The only thing you're showing us by sitting here is that you have not sense enough to listen to your elders — if we say something is dangerous you can decide it is not? That we are wrong? What's the use of telling you anything then if you already know better." He crossed his arms and looked at each of them in turn, his face filled with disappointment.

"So not only do we have a foolish generation of dwarfs that do not listen to their friends," Dori continued, "we have underaged dwarfs who think they know better than their king and who think they can pressure him to let his son do something that is extremely dangerous for him by holding a childish little protest in his office. How proud your parents must be of you." He paused for his words to have time to sink in.

That should have been it. If it was Thorin that would have been it. A few of the younger dwarflings were already crying at being called out and the rest looked suitably chastised. Dori, eldest brother of two high strung dwarfs, one of whom was the well known thief and con-artist, Nori, was not done. What followed was an ear turning of epic proportions. At one point Thorin pulled a sheet to him to take notes but quickly decided against it when Dori turned a disbelieving eye on him. He had every last dwarf in tears by the end and still wasn't done.

"I think you owe your friend an apology — no! Not now!" he snapped, finally raising his voice when some started saying a tearful sorry to Bilbo, "what kind of apology is that? You haven't even spent a moment's thought on what exactly you did wrong, you are just apologizing because I said so? You need to do better than that! I suggest you go home and let your parents teach you how to apologize officially to the royal family, and perhaps next time they will not be so quick to let their children disobey their king! Get your stuff and off you go, I don't want to see your faces anymore, you can talk to Bilbo tomorrow and don't let me see you near him until then!"

"Magnificent." Nori clapped a bravo when the last dwarfling had exited in a crying rush. Thorin must admit he had a point. Dori as an orator knew how to work a crowd, he himself had felt shame by association and nearly called for his own dearly departed mother when the dwarf had turned his glare on him.

"That was not nice," a red faced Bilbo disagreed, jumping up. "They were just trying to help!"

"Yes?" Dori asked. "So tell me, little Bilbo. If one of their parents said they were not allowed something, would you be telling them to do it anyway?"

"I asked Thorin to say no, it's not the same..." he admitted without thought then slapped his hands over his mouth in horror.

"Yes, Nori and I figured it was something like that, don't worry we will not spill your little secret. And it doesn't matter what you asked Thorin, they certainly didn't know you asked him and they should have listened to both of you anyway. Yes or no."

"I suppose…"

"Yes or no, Bilbo Baggins." Dori insisted.

"Yes!"

"Would you nag at them to do something they were not allowed to or even just didn't want to do?"

"Not now, no."

"Well then, I am glad you learned something too." Dori turned to Thorin. "If you need anything else, your highness?

"No thank you, Dori," he answered faintly.

They all breathed a collective sigh of relief when Dori had left and then he and Bilbo glared as one at Nori.

"Don't ever do that again!" Thorin ordered, speaking for them both.

"Oh please. You are going soft, I had no option. There's no-one better than Dori to bring children in line and I am talking from first hand experience. What do you want to do about that," he indicated the note, "shall we discuss it now or later, I think Dwalin can help there."

"Tomorrow." Thorin set his head on his hands. This day had been exhausting and tomorrow already promised to be no better. He would have his own apologies to make to Dwalin if he was going to ask for his help. "Tomorrow," he repeated, worn out. "If we ever get a break between the apologizing horde — you go tell Dori he had better be standing right next to us tomorrow, if we are going to suffer through that then he should too." Damn that dwarf! An evil thought made him smile.

Xxx

They did indeed spend the whole morning on apologies. Thorin also spent it pinching the bridge of his nose, praying for patience between one set and the next. Bilbo spent it red faced, standing glued to his side on a little step to see over the desk and Thorin worried that it might now become a permanent colour, red did not suit the lad so he certainly hoped not. Dori stood sentinel next to his desk, arms crossed, his face a picture of disappointment directed at the dwarfs who trooped in and out. Parents came with their children and once the child had stammered out their apology to Bilbo the parents did the same to Thorin. They must have discussed it beforehand as a group for they were all nearly identical in their wording.

The best fun he had was telling Dori in a lull between the penitent visitors to start a school. He had thought about it some more during the night and instructed the dwarf now to put up something official that would keep the smaller ones out of trouble in the mornings. Dori needn't be a teacher himself but he was now officially the Headmaster and he had a month to come up with a plan for teachers and subjects.

"You'd better not be thinking I would attend that," Bilbo was quick to say once the edict was made.

"There's nothing you would like to learn?"

"Not to the extent of sitting in a class again, no." His face was a picture of horror.

"Well I will keep it as a punishment then." He was trying to build up a selection that would keep the mothers off his back. Apparently you needn't always get physical. It might be a good punishment too if Bilbo's face was anything to go on. "You might like to help Dori figure out what the children need to learn, perhaps even help him set it up if you feel like it, that will keep you occupied too. You were looking for something to do weren't you?" It seemed to be a very good idea for Bilbo perked up enough to manage accepting the apologies of the next two families without blushing.

Their very last visitors was not just Dwalin and Balin as he had feared but his whole company, Fili and Kili included and Bilbo and himself had some apologizing and explaining of their own to make. Then chairs were procured, refreshments brought in, the door closed, Bilbo refused all instructions to go play, and a meeting was held, a meeting, Thorin insisted, not a Council of War, Dwalin!

Xxx


	18. Chapter 18

They were having a proper War Council. Everyone fit quite snugly around his father's desk, shoulders rubbing companionably while they discussed their youngest family member's problem. Dwalin was leading it and Ori was taking notes. Bilbo had protested the notes but was vetoed, they were a big group and it was unnecessary to wonder and fight about who said what if they had the option of writing it down.

Bilbo protested everything, the depth of his agitation obvious in the way that he did not even look at the snacks. The latest opinion, offered by Gloin who knew of these things, was that they should have a quiet word with the parents of the miscreants. This had him throwing his arms in the air, nearly stabbing his neighbour, Dori, in the eye.

Dwalin lost his patience first. "Bilbo. Lad. If you cannot keep quiet I will send you out."

"This is my life you are organizing, I need a say! You don't know how horrible children can be if the parents interfere! You will not have a talk with their parents and that's that!"

"We cannot let the little snot nosed orc droppings get away with bullying you," Kili insisted.

"They were not bullying me!" He crossed his arms over his chest and set his mouth in a thin line, "who said they were bullying me!"

"You lad," Thorin frowned, "that's why you told them that I didn't allow—"

"Teasing! They were just teasing!" he shouted agitatedly, back to waving his arms about and nearly falling off his chair.

"Enough," Dwalin declared. "Go face that wall until you feel prepared to have this conversation in a normal tone."

Bilbo turned to look at the blank wall he was pointing at and swung back to him. "No!" he refused, and the only thing that saved him from immediate annihilation was the desk separating them.

"Do not tell Dwalin no, go do as you are told," Thorin ordered surprised.

"No!" he insisted, and scurried out of his chair, away from Thorin. "I'm not going to stand at any wall! Last time I did that goblins came out of it!"

Thorin, in the process of reaching for him stopped. This was a valid fear. Still, he couldn't let Dwalin be disobeyed. Dori solved it by pulling Bilbo's chair from the table, catching him by the arm and taking both to the rug in front of the fire. He settled the chair slap bang in the middle of it.

"Sit," he told Bilbo, who clearly thought he had other intentions if the way he was holding his bum protectively was anything to go on. He scrambled on the chair to sit on his hands. "This is your calm down spot with no goblins. No talking, raise your hand when you're ready to hold a decent conversation and we'll allow you back at the table. If you cannot do that, then I will move this chair out into the hall, do we understand each other?"

"Yes, sir!"

"We do know it is your life and we do want to be careful, that is why we are having this council and not rushing off and just throwing the three of them from a cliff. None of us mind doing that," Dori continued, and he stood a moment to make sure Bilbo will obey before returning to the table. "Teasing," he said, sitting back down. "Are we exaggerating the issue then?"

"I don't think so." Thorin eyed Bilbo in sympathy. He made a mental note to be nicer to Nori and Ori too, for they must have suffered greatly growing up in his care. Dori was going to be an excellent Headmaster. "This teasing made us lie to everyone so it is serious enough."

Xxx

Silence reigned. Bifur pulled a plate of pickled roots to him and started crunching it. This gave them an idea of what to do at least, and they spent Bilbo's enforced time-out snacking, while he watched them with furious eyes. Thorin kindly filled a plate and set it at his empty spot, the lad was most likely only glowering for the possibility that the food might be all gone before he could return. Did the little shoulders relax a bit?

Xxx

"Make a note, motion to talk to parents met with extreme prejudice and is to be kept as a last resort," Thorin ordered Ori, once Bilbo was reseated at the table.

"If you talk to the parents I will run away to the Shire."

"That's fine. I haven't smacked you properly in a while." He graced Bilbo with a toothy smile. "Try me."

Xxx

"Fili and I could rough them up a bit," Kili offered.

"Fili," Thorin put a restraining hand on Bilbo's arm lest he found himself on the carpet again, "mind informing your brother why that would not be a good idea?"

"We are bigger, older and in a higher position. It would reflect poorly on The Royal Family." He had it memorized still from when he took care of Kili's bullies when they were young and grinned at Thorin.

"Very poorly." Thorin agreed, laying serious emphasis on the words. "No-one at this table is to start anything, but if someone physically attacked you, you may finish it however you like." He gave Kili a flat, unimpressed look. This was not the age to be learning these things still.

Xxx

"Right." Dwalin took back the reins of the meeting. "I think we can all agree that we are not going to do this by force, but we are going about this backwards. What do we know of this lads? What do they admire in others. Nori, you might be able to tell us."

Nori happily relayed what he had found out. Two of them were brothers, and to simplify it for the group he equated the eldest to be very similar to Dwalin, a tough little dwarf, always ready for a fight, most likely because his little brother was more like Bifur, a bit slow in most ways. Sorry Bifur, we know it is the axe. Their cousin would be Kili, a little adventurous lad. Kili preened at that but Nori caught Thorin's eyes and rolled his own. They probably admired daring, nerve and chivalry the most.

Dwalin thanked Nori, checked to make sure Ori had time enough to write it all down and then moved it along. "Then the next question is to Bilbo, do you want them to back off or do you actually want them to become your friends."

Bilbo blushed. Everyone stopped their fidgeting and stared.

"Bilbo," Kili grinned. "Do you like them - like them or do you like them?"

"I don't like them at all!"

Thorin frowned at Kili to behave before turning his attention to Bilbo. "So we should get them to back off. Are you sure?" His discomfort was so obvious that Thorin felt sorry for him. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to be friends with your own age-group lad."

"Are they?" Ori asked, head down, writing furiously. "I know them, Rovan likes to read so they visit the library often, that's where you met them, right? They seemed older than Bilbo."

Everyone turned to Nori.

"Sorry, I should have said. Thirty nine, thirty five and forty two years old."

"Strange." Ori answered absently, missing Bilbo's shameful cringe. "I would have sworn they were older."

Bilbo crossed his arms on the desk and hid his head in the crook of his elbow. Thorin could see Nori pinch his younger brother and Ori finally looked up. "Oh."

"Right. Everyone out," Thorin decided, and flapped his hands at them. "Go take a walk. Be back in half an hour — not you lad." He stopped Bilbo from rushing off with them.

"Pleassee can we stop talking about this," Bilbo begged once they were alone and Thorin had pulled him on his lap to hug him. "This is so embarrassing, I'm fine if we just leave it alone."

"Why is it embarrassing."

"It just is."

"Because you like them."

"No."

"Be honest, lad. It will be quite a mess if we were to scare them off when actually you wanted to be friends. This is why I sent them out, it is just us now so you needn't be bothered about what you say."

"I don't want to be friends with children!"

"You want to be adult?"

"…no."

"Tell me what it is that you want and we will make it so."

"Why?" Bilbo twisted to see him better. "Why do you do that!"

"Do what?"

"Care about what I want so much!"

"Oh. Well that's easy. Us dwarfs sometimes find that a stranger can become family. It is not just you, Bilbo. We've all become a family, every last one of us, Mahal save us even Dori."

"I thought Nori was the bad one."

"Yes well he might be, but Dori is the scary one. Just accept that we are family and don't worry about it." He had a thought. "You are allowed to make friends other than us, you know that right?"

Bilbo mumbled something and when asked to repeat himself he wailed, "I said I'm older than them!"

"Only in years, you are as much a child as they."

"No-no I'm older than them and they treat me as if I am Keley's age! It is really frustrating! You heard Ori, even he thought that they were older than me!"

He did not know what to say, he knew the three by sight and they were definitely more mature than Bilbo, teasing aside. In the end he just pulled Bilbo into a stronger hug and held on, while he bemoaned the unfairness of being treated like a child when you didn't want to be.

Xxx

They came back refreshed and with more ideas. Thorin tried to keep Bilbo on his lap but he scurried back to his chair in a bid for unnecessary independence.

Bofur offered theirs, "Perhaps we could have a story night and tell them of our exploits, how Bilbo saved the mountain? Get hero worship going, they'll be less likely to think him faint of heart if they knew how he tackled Smaug."

"Tackling Smaug was more foolish than smart," Dwalin disagreed. "I still have nightmares about it, seeing Kili and him running before that thing — Mahal save them they were lucky Thorin got to them first. No, if you want to do that then concentrate on how he thought of using Smaug as a weapon, we can skip the part where it was just let's-make-Smaug-chase-us again."

Everyone took a moment to sigh at Bilbo for his foolishness. "It would have worked fine, you don't know," he sulked right back at them. "I don't want to sit and listen to stories about me. It will be so obvious and it's like bragging."

Nori disagreed. "Yours will be one of many stories, we're not going to say hey let's discuss Bilbo, it will be done with a bit more finesse than that. Some song."

"Wine." Ori nodded.

"Dance." Dori smiled and all of them had a good long look at the brothers. Hmm. You learn something new about them everyday.

"It's a good idea anyway." Balin tapped Ori's book to make him write it down. "We'll do that on Thorin's birthday."

What? Thorin straightened up and put the full force of his Royal position behind his glare. "No. We are not going to celebrate my birthday."

Balin disagreed and thumped Ori who was about to draw a line through the suggestion. "You're the king, it's the proper thing to do and they will expect it. We have enough provisions for the winter, so we can definitely manage a party. That's in two weeks time though, so I suggest we only use it as a supporting plan."

"No," Thorin and Bilbo said in unison.

They had a vote and it was only two against. Dwalin passed the motion and Thorin had no option but to move them on. What use was being a king if he could not say no every now and then? Where's the time that he would have taken them to task, perhaps a bit of a scuffle, no swords need be involved, they were family after all but a few thumps and they might listen to him again! "I have it!"

"This had better be good, I am tired of these chairs," Bombur grumped, and that set off a discussion on whether they should make padded chairs or just bring their own cushions. Bilbo voted for padded chairs as he had a personal investment in sometimes needing a soft seat.

"Let me know when you are ready for my solution."

"In a minute." Dwalin waved him quiet. "So it is eight votes for padded chairs, write it down, Ori. Bofur, Bifur you can work on it."

Thorin's plan was simple. They would hold a Tournament. He would quite like to open it with a match between him and Dwalin — swords may even be used! and after the adults had their turn teaching others not to shush them, then the children could show off their skills. Such was their confidence in Bilbo's prowess that the vote was unanimous.


	19. Chapter 19

The Birthday was in two weeks time, and the first of what Balin said would be many meetings was just to decide whether it would precede the tournament or be the highlight at the end. They were in two factions. The first voted for the party to be held before the tournament, as there would be enough alcohol to keep the combatants soused the next day, causing those heavyweight drinkers present with their superior hold over alcohol to win. The second group voted for the end, it was difficult to fight on a full stomach and they were going to make sure they had very full stomachs. It would also be a nice way to relax after the hard fighting and in this way the party can run over into the next day or even the day after if they so desired.

Bilbo sat through half of that meeting, fell asleep on Thorin's lap for the rest of it and the next ones he excused himself that he had better things to do. He might have enjoyed organising parties in Hobbiton but that life felt so far from his present one that it might just as well have been a dream.

His exit set off an avalanche of dwarfs that had better things to do, Thorin first. "It is my birthday you cannot expect me to plan it, Balin."

Dori next, nose more regal than Thorin could ever manage — he had to watch out for that dwarf — "I have a month to organise a school, I can't waste two weeks of it on organising a party," he said. They all knew full well Thorin would easily extend the month to as long as he wanted, but they were fast learning that a Headmaster was not to be trifled with.

Bofur and Bifur had chairs to build, don't bother them if you please. Bifur pointed to his axe, told them in the extremely slow voice he had affected lately — for no reason that anyone could discern! — that he was… very slow...it was the axe...can't help…what's a party… He threw them a rude sign over his shoulder as he walked off.

Bombur went into the kitchen without a word and no-one saw him again. Food was being made on the daily still, and after careful enquiries by a certain spy it was deemed best to leave him be. Extra dwarfs were rushing in and out with extra provisions and the party will have food. And cake. They would have liked to have had a say in the menu but they also would like to not be poisoned.

Oin was too busy setting sprains and making potions for cold little dwarfs who had either not gotten the lesson, or just did did not care that snow was dangerously fun. He didn't even attend the first meeting.

That left Dwalin...no, he had a Tournament to organise, go away Balin. Whose idiotic idea was this Tournament anyway!

That left Balin then. He too would have liked to disappear, but he had started the damned thing and would finish it. Gloin. No you cannot leave Gloin, as a father you're now officially in charge of the children's party games. Nori. You're in charge of the songs, yes I heard you and your 'Song', complain more and you will be in charge of the dance too. You know what? Song and dance go together, you're in charge of both! Ori. Party decorations, yes, the library will be waiting for you just as dusty when you're done with that, get your staff to put up a notice for the holiday, just do as you are told, dwarf.

Balin was sure he had left someone out.

Xxx

They were on their way to the kitchen to see about some pie for tea. Kili and Fili had fetched Bilbo for he was the best suited in asking Bombur, and would be given a whole pie, whereas they would perhaps get a slice each if he was in a good mood. It had a lot to do with some pranks they had played on the older dwarf — years ago! — that he still had not forgiven them for. They refused to tell Bilbo what the pranks were, claiming it had been such good ones that he would want to try it too, and gone would be any chance of extra pie unless they made friends with Nori. It was a mission and a half extracting sweets from Bombur now that he was preparing for the feast, so they did not need any little hobbits to make it worse.

"What do you mean what gift will I give your uncle," Bilbo asked them now, feeling confused. The topic had naturally turned to the party as it was all everyone was discussing. "For what?"

"What do you mean for what?" Kili, walking next to him, returned. If Bilbo was to judge from the tone he was just as confused, if not more. "For his birthday?"

"What? Why would I do that." He stopped in his tracks, forcing them to do the same.

"Well I don't know." Kili threw up his hands before turning to snark at his sibling, "Help me out here Fili, any time you feel like it. Why would Bilbo want to give Uncle a birthday gift. Why, you would think they were not playing father and son this whole time if you listened to him."

"I think you two are doing fine. Can we walk and talk please, I did tell you it's blackberry pie, yes? I smelled it and I am never wrong in these things." When neither moved immediately to do his bidding he picked Bilbo up to throw him over his shoulder and pushed Kili ahead. "Walk and talk."

"Aaargh! Fili!" Bilbo complained, kicking his legs. This was the worst manner to be carried, your stomach impaled on a hard shoulder — there was no way to make it more comfortable!

"Hush. We will get there faster this way. So what will you be getting your dear old Adad."

"He's not my father, he's just…" he sputtered to a weak stop, "...shouldn't you be asking what I think he will give me? What is he going to give you then?"

"Fili…" Kili moaned. "This is too strange. Why would Uncle be giving us gifts when it's his birthday."

Fili bounced Bilbo on his shoulder, tickled his side, and only when Bilbo was screaming in laughter at him to stop did he relent. Affecting his most Princely tone he informed his sibling, "It appears we are having a cultural difference. For some reason Hobbits seem to be giving other hobbits gifts when it's their own birthday instead of receiving it like we do."

"Well yes?" Bilbo wheezed and smacked Fili's back to let him go, "Let me go! Can you imagine if you invite two hundred hobbits and they all brought you gifts? Where would you put all of that!"

"I am trying to imagine having to buy two hundred gifts," Fili answered, pushing Kili who seemed now shocked mute, to walk faster. "The cost of it alone would be enormous, what do you do if you are poor?"

"Why would you buy it? Let me doowwnn, Fili, your shoulder hurts." He was tickled yet again, nearly fell on his face trying to get away from the torturous fingers and spent a wild moment shouting, hanging by his ankles before Fili placed him right back over his shoulder, "aargh!" He kicked his feet back, trying for Fili's face.

"So do you then make your gifts?" Kili asked incredulous once Fili had ceased his teasing. "That would take forever! Truly hobbits are strange."

Bilbo resigned himself to his position and explained to them the ways of the Mathom Cabinets. Of mathom giving on birthdays and of mathom giving on any other day they could think up. Why it was done so often that a single mathom could return to you more than thrice in just a summer!

"What a strange race you lot are, Bilbo!" Kili exclaimed, giving Bilbo's hair a sharp tug in his frustration. "Exchanging junk lying about your hole instead of throwing it away!"

"I would not call it junk! Why, when you came I was hoping to get a tea cozy for Primula's birthday the week after, it was shaped like a cock and quite pretty! Not junk at all!"

A little bit more conversation was — very carefully — spent on that one, and by the time Fili set Bilbo back down on his feet in front of the locked kitchen doors they were all red faced and aware that he had meant rooster shaped. They quickly hid while Bilbo knocked.

Xxx

Bilbo flung the office door open. Bifur and Bofur had done a good job with it, using the best wood traded from the elves, and it made a satisfying bang against the stone wall without breaking in two. "A—aaah! I thought you were alone! Sorry!"

"No, don't go," Thorin said, stopping his retreat. "We are done here, Balin was just about to leave."

"I was?"

"Yes, you were, take what you need from the treasury and stop bothering me with it."

"As you wish."

They had had an interesting time with the treasury. Too big to divide up into fourteen parts and even one of the parts not something the group would ever be able to spend in their own lifetimes, they had no other choice but to leave it be. It was now their shared purse. If you needed to buy something you went and took coin. If you wanted something shiny in your hair, you went and sorted through the banks of gems until you had ten of the same. They were now all wealthy beyond their needs and had found they needed much less than they had thought they would. It was quite helpful in trading for what the mountain required to become a city again. The elves particularly liked silver and white gems…

"I would have you know, Balin is a hundred and seventy eight years old—"

"He's having his birthday too?" Bilbo interrupted, ready to despair. That would mean two gifts!

"No, my point is that he is old enough to die of a heart attack. Must you open the door so?"

"Sorry." Bilbo wisely tried to gauge the safety of stepping closer by searching Thorin's expression. He seemed mildly irritated only, and since there was no immediate 'come here's' or 'do that's' he relaxed and walked over. "I won't again. Isn't that young still? Dori said dwarfs live on average two hundred and fifty years so he has around eighty years more to go…"

"He is well over middle age."

"And you are one hundred and ninety five…so you're much more likely to be the heart attack victim between the two of you, Adad." He had taken to calling Thorin that in private, and it was a delicious secret between them that he was not yet willing to share.

"Then you should be even more careful about entering rooms, am I not your favourite? What was the hurry for, lad." He moved his chair away and Bilbo took it for the invitation it was, to clamber up onto his lap.

"Birthday gifts but you will be…" a hundred and ninety six. So by all calculations Thorin had around fifty years still on Middle Earth and that was not enough. Hobbits themselves on average lived to a hundred and he had about the same left but that did not matter as much to Bilbo as the sudden realization that Thorin was old.

"I will be?"

"Old!" he exclaimed in horror.

Thorin laughed at him, and declared that in his eyes they were already living longer than they should have, considering they should have died in the battle of Erebor. What luck that Smaug had played their game! He told Bilbo to stop counting the years and enjoy them instead. He also received no sympathy for his gift problem. "Anything will do and nothing is fine too."

"So I can just go to the treasury and pick up the first stone I see and that will do you?"

"Yes. I will appreciate your effort in walking such a long way for my gift."

"What will you do with the stone then, throw it right back?"

"I'll use it as a paperweight." He indicated the desk where he had maps rolled open and several big gemstones holding the corners down.

"Well then that won't do! You already have those!"

"It wouldn't matter."

But it would, and after quibbling about it for a fair while, they decided to disagree.

"Dwarflings usually just draw a nice card or carve something like 'you're the best Adad under the mountain'. You can always do that."

"That's silly."

"Is it? That's a shame, it's not something I've ever received."

He was just humouring him, Bilbo knew, and he slipped off his lap in disgust to go find help elsewhere.

"Next time bring me some pie too!" Thorin called after him, unbothered by his fuss.

"What?" Bilbo turned with all the innocence he could muster. He would have shared but it had been just too delicious. He had indeed cut the pie into fourths and even told the nephews off for trying to eat Thorin's piece… then ate the slice meant for Thorin on the way over. "What pie?"

"Blackberry if I am not mistaken. There's still some in your hair."

"I do not have food in my hair!" he protested, he certainly ate with more finesse than that! Then he remembered Kili rubbing his curls goodbye. The ass. "It's—new bath soap they're selling in the market!"

"Made from pastry flakes? Off with you lad, go find someone to play with, just mind you don't start lying about anything bigger than pie."

"Yes, sir."

Xxx

A little embarrassed at being caught out he took the quiet halls to the market, giving his face time to cool down, brushing his fingers through his hair. Maybe they would have a nice smelling soap, that would surely do as a gift.

It took him a while to notice. All over the market dwarfs were whispering about in little groups that quickly dispersed when he came upon them. Bilbo caught bits and pieces of it only. As small as he was and no matter how soft he walked he was usually spotted well in advance, for the dwarfs were fascinated with 'their mountain's own hobbit', and were always on the lookout for him. Words floated about … library … lost forever … slaves ...

Oh Yavanna. Something was wrong with Ori. He left off his search for the perfect gift and set out to the library, trying to remember when he had last seen the dwarf. Three days ago at the meeting? Why would dwarfs be gossiping about him, he couldn't have been taken as a slave for Thorin and his nephews would have said. Would have been up in arms getting him back. Not run around after pie.

The constant niggling worry that they were now treating him as a true child and might be keeping secrets from him had him walk faster. He was being ridiculous and he knew it but he had a good imagination and that was not always a good thing.

The huge library doors finally came into view and surprised to see it closed of all things, Bilbo sped up. Ori had been very proud to be able to offer them a twenty four hour service and this might mean the end of the world was near! He was feet away from it when his worst nightmare happened.

The walls pulled him in.

Strong fingers muffled his surprised shouts, and he fought with all his might against the hands holding him down in the sudden darkness. He bit the hand pressed over his mouth — hard enough to taste blood, and it ripped away only to be replaced by a new one, painfully smothering his screams. Bilbo used every trick he had been taught and headbutted what felt like someone's chin, for a dizzy moment seeing stars before the pain throbbed in a thunderous wave through his skull. It gave him hope though, realizing that his attackers must not be that much taller than him — he surely stood a chance... Elbows and knees joined his fists, bone cracked under his knuckles, liquid fire running through his hand! Not your bones — not yours it's just pain — Dwalin taught you how to fight through pain... He pressed on through the agony and fought as hard as any Took before him and quick enough their shouts mingled with his own.

He was no match for three of them though, and he soon fell with his attackers on top, crushing him face down into the cold stone.


	20. Chapter 20

"Bilbo Bilbo! Please! Please stop it's just us!"

"Oh Mahal," someone moaned, "we're crushing him…he's dead..."

"I think my nose is broken."

"Get off! Your nose won't matter if we killed him!" the first voice hissed and most of the heavy weight disappeared from him. He took a deep stuttering breath. "Bilbo…" Farin whispered close to his ear. "Are you alive? Will you be quiet if I get off?"

"Farin?"

"Yes, it's us — I'm sorry, I'm really sorry — please don't fight anymore we didn't mean to scare you!"

"Get off me!" Bilbo bucked and the dwarf fell off. "Why!" He scrambled up and retreated away from their voices, only able to make out their dim silhouettes in the dark room.

"You broke my nose!" Borin, younger brother of Farin complained in a muffled wail.

"You attacked me! I'll break more things if you don't tell me why!"

"Shhh!"

"Don't shhh me Farin! Why!"

"We didn't attack you, we saved you! You attacked us!" Balmir, their cousin argued, sounding less sorry than the other two. That made three of them then, where the one went the others were right behind, he should have known! He should have hit them harder! What did they mean SAVED.

"What do you mean SAVED, you saved me from walking peacefully in the hall and NOT being attacked?"

"You were going to the library, right? Dwarfs that go in never come out again, we came to see why!"

"Idiots! The lot of you! And to think that I — they're making party decorations, Ori is in charge of that and he probably wants to keep it a surprise! Did you think he ate them?" He can't believe he had similar thoughts — well except for the eating — was he turning into an actual child? All this pretending must be getting to his brain!

"Grandma said to stay away it's slave labor and Mister Ori was turning into an Orc. We've never seen one," Borin spilled. "Did you know Orcs were dwarfs ages and ages ago but they went bad?"

"Morgoth made Orcs from slime," Bilbo corrected him automatically. He was starting to feel sluggish with the excitement wearing off, and also becoming aware of his many and varied aches. He did his best to remember if anyone had even tried to hit him… oh Yavanna he bit them! Some of them! Maybe all of them!

"No. That's not true. Grandma said if we were bad we'd turn into Orcs, tell him Farin!"

"She said that," Farin agreed in a placating voice.

"Fine." A tale to scare dwarflings into being good then. Hobbits had wolves that came and ate them if they didn't listen to their parents. He bit them! He needed to go. "I need to go."

"No Bilbo! We like you — you'll be eaten!" Borin called out and a silhouette lunged for him. In the darkness his head connected squarely with Bilbo's face. Blinding sparks flowered in his eye...and then the pain hit.

"I'm going to leave now," said Bilbo through clenched teeth once the agony had gone down from a searing heat to a dull throb, and most of the nausea had abated. He held his hands out in the dark to stave off any other attempts to stop him. He was fast learning that kindly meant didn't necessarily mean kindly dealt with these three. "Which way is out, Farin."

"Bi—"

"No! Out! Which way!"

With some hesitation they directed him out of their little hiding spot, you needed to sidle along the wall through a narrow fissure that curved out into the main hallway, the curvature the reason there was so little light. It was a strange hideaway and he wondered what it was for. Thorin must know. Maybe he should show Nori, it seems like something that would suit him.

Outside, in the dimly lit hall he took a huge gulp of air in relief and another and another, quickly stepping away from the wall lest they get an idea to repeat the fun. His clothes were dusty, his knee ached, his palms and knuckles were scraped bloody and he couldn't imagine how his face looked. He needed a mirror. He desperately wanted a mirror to see the damage and after that maybe a lie down. They liked him? What would happen if they didn't like him?

There's a dearth of mirrors under the mountain, unlike in Hobbiton where they had one practically in every room. Dwarfs might worship shiny but they were not vain. He had one in his rooms here but it was very far and the library had one that was floor to ceiling for who knows what reason. The library that was right there. He crossed the hall and tried the doors. Locked. Frustrated, he banged it with his fists. It swung open on the third hit and Bilbo stumbled a step forward before catching himself, blinking at the sudden bright light.

"Oh dear," a dwarf he did not know said, and he blinked up at her. He thought that perhaps he should apologise for the rude knocking but she gave him no chance. "Oh dear me. Ori? Would you like to come here a moment?"

Behind her he could see the library bustling with activity. Colourful banners and streamers were hanging out to dry and long tables were pushed together with laughing and chattering dwarfs, young and old, scattered around it, paintbrushes in hand. It didn't look like any slave chambers that he knew of, not that he knew any. At all.

"Who is it, Onar. Another volunteer?"

"No dear, the rumours are putting them off, just like you wanted, little Bilbo came to visit."

"That's fine, we have enough hands, secrecy is more important — we want to surprise them, don't we?" Ori chatted from the back, not rushing at all.

"I'm not a little anything," Bilbo argued through his strangely stiff jaw. Surely she was not talking about his size, three feet was average for Hobbits, he had said that before. Just because he only reached their chests did not make him little, besides he thinks she was talking about age...maybe. Maybe he was being rude. He should apologise, right? If his mum was here she would burn his ears! "My apologies, Ma'am. Hello Ori, I just came to see your mirror."

"Oh dear," Ori echoed weakly over her shoulder, "What happened to you — who did that?"

"No one, Ori I just wanted to use your mirror, can I?"

"No one? Do you want to tell me that you fell?"

"Yes! I fell!" Tired of dealing with silly dwarfs he pushed past the two and made a beeline for the mirror at the reception desk. Oh dear was right. He had looked better after the war, he was sure. The right side of his jaw was scraped raw from where he had been crushed on the rock floor, he had a fat lip and his left eye was fast swelling shut. Add to that a torn and partly bloody tunic, and his aching body… Ori came to stand behind him with pursed lips.

"Are you done looking at yourself?"

"Yes, thank you, Ori — I'll just go now, good day to you…"

"My — my, such nice manners all of a sudden. A good day to me, is it. Let's both go have a good day at Oin's."

"I don't need to — I'm fine!" he protested but he could have spared his breath.

Ori picked him up and carried him out. "I don't know when I'll be back, Onar, you're in charge!" he called on the way.

"Ori, pleaaase. I can walk."

"I know you can, but I would feel better if we reached there as fast as possible."

"It's just bruises!"

"Still. How's the floor look, lad."

"You're not funny." He settled into the dwarf's arms, knowing a lost cause when he faced one.

"Nothing about this is funny, Bilbo. I predict a very un-funny rest of the day too. What happened."

"I was on my way to you, minding my own business — like you should be doing — when I tripped and fell." Ori did not respond to that piece of snark and Bilbo was too ashamed to look at his face to gauge if he was angry or hurt, fearing that he might have gone too far. When he kept quiet, never lessening his pace, Bilbo threw his arms around his neck. "I'm sorry!"

"Good. It's bad enough that you've started fighting, no need to add poor manners to it also."

"I've not started fighting!"

"It's definitely going to be an un-funny day if you persist with that."

The whole mountain was a city. Various levels, halls and streets, bridges and stairs, nothing was close to each other. They had tried to settle in one area to start with, but still they did a lot of walking every day. Oin was more central with his little clinic but even so it took them nearly fifteen minutes to reach it.

"Oh dear," Oin said when Ori carried him in, and he directed them to a small room, excusing himself from the family he had been attending. "Who did this?" he asked after Ori put him on a high cot, bending close to inspect his face, raising his chin with a soft touch.

"No one, Oin. I fell," he said, and at the door Ori threw his hands in the air. "I don't have to be here, you were busy with those dwarfs, right? I'm fine…" he slipped off the cot only to be picked up and settled right back.

"I'll be the judge of that," Oin said, then poked and prodded and made him move his limbs and neck about. Bilbo drew the line at removing his clothes, he hugged his burning knee to his chest and refused, sure from the aches that there were just more bruises to be seen. He was not dying!

"Maybe just some of that ointment for bruises?" It was magic, it sucked the worst of the pain right out and would have him looking better in a couple of days.

"After you've been examined properly, come lad, get that shirt off."

"I'm not going to," he refused, forcing the words out his now very stiff jaw.

"Ori," Oin turned to the other dwarf, "go get Thorin if you'd be so kind."

"Noo!" Bilbo slipped off the cot but Oin was still spry, his ears the only old body parts he owned, or so he liked to boast, and he placed him right back.

"What are you intending to do, hide away for weeks until it doesn't show?" he asked, giving him a scornful look. "Have a lie down until your Adad comes, lad. It might be a while."

Bilbo could also calculate the distance and time to the office and back fine enough, and now figured that there was some time yet to make an escape. First step, get Oin to relax. He laid down on the cot, but Oin, instead of leaving him alone to give him a chance to sneak off, started gathering supplies to clean his scrapes. He left only briefly to finish off with the family outside and fetch some water, then pulled a chair up to the cot. "Let's see to your face first."

By now he could only see out of one eye. When Oin was done he refused yet again to remove his clothes for a more thorough examination and to his utmost disgust Oin settled back to wait for Thorin. A protest that the dwarf could go do other work while he waited was met with a derisive grunt.

Xxx

Thorin's voice woke him. "Who did this."

"He said he fell."

"This is not from a fall, Oin."

"Oh thank you, I would never have realised that, Your Highness, with my years of healing experience. The lad is awake now, ask who did it while I examine him."

"Why had you not examined him yet? He's been here over an hour!"

Oin glared in obvious exasperation at Ori who stood leaning in the doorway.

"I didn't tell him. It takes time to get here, and I'd rather not listen to him explode the whole way." He yawned. "I'm way too stressed on the decorations to deal with that."

"Explode!" Thorin snapped. The three brothers were really getting on his last nerve of late. "Why would I explode!"

"Sit up, Bilbo, I know you're awake," Oin turned to back the cot, ignoring the other two. Thorin was now telling Ori to scrap the birthday completely, they were probably going to have a mass murder soon and a party after that would be in bad taste.

"I'm not awake," Bilbo said, which was enough to bring Thorin to his side.

"Listen to Oin."

"A-Thorin..." he sat up unwilling, "it's just a fall — I don't need to be here, just some ointment and…" he petered off at seeing their faces. "What? What's wrong?"

Instead of answering Thorin reached out to move his longer curls out of his face, "Who did this to you," he asked angrily.

"I fell…"

"Were you not paying attention in the meeting, lad. I have no problem with anyone fighting," he picked up Bilbo's hand and showed him his cracked and swollen knuckles as proof, "so you have no reason to lie to us about it."

"If we finished it, you said," Ori mused from the door. "The only reason I can see for lying would be if he had started it," he surmised and they turned from him back to Bilbo who had his heart thundering in his ears.

"I fell…" he insisted idiotically. Oh Yavanna. He might have started it. Did unintentionally count?

"Oin, finish examining him, please. What is stopping you."

He told him. At that Thorin turned the full force of his attention back to Bilbo who hung his shoulders in defeat under the disapproval. Without a word needing said he pulled his tunic over his head, hissing at the stretch of his ribs. It was as bad as he had feared, dark bruises had started along his side — and back, he was told — which must have been from their elbows and knees bumping into him in their crushing fall. Thorin stood watching, his face a cloud of thunder that did not bode well. But for who?

"Nothing broken, maybe one cracked rib. Quiet activities only this week." Oin diagnosed, before slathering his ointment everywhere. He gave them an extra container, with unnecessary directions on use, and let them go.

"Let me know if anyone else come with similar injuries," Thorin instructed Oin while helping him to put Bilbo's tunic back on when he struggled too pathetically to raise his arms. And after a moment's silence, he added, "Adult or child."

This time he would have liked to be carried. The little sleep he got on the cot had only served to make his body stiff and he felt his ribs complain with each step. His head throbbed and his scrapes burned, he was starting to wish he hadn't told Oin that he had no pain anywhere, one of his special teas would have been a relief now.

Walking behind Thorin he dragged his feet as much as he dared. What was he going to do? He didn't want to tell what really happened, it was embarrassing how he went and lost control for no reason at all. The more he thought about it the more sure he was that none of them had actually touched him. He was going to have to apologise to all of them. He couldn't have hurt them badly though, could he? They were twice his size and three to his one. Oh but he bit them! More than once! And Borin's nose! Surely he could not have broken his nose… would it truly be his fault if Borin had broken his nose? You don't hit anyone who was slow...

If Ori hadn't put the suggestion in his mind that he fell… no Ori was not to blame, he had already told him nothing happened and Ori was just being facetious. Bilbo ducked his head every time they encountered dwarfs on the way, hoping his hair hid most of the damage. When Thorin was stopped to talk he hid himself behind his back not wanting the whole mountain to gossip, but he never let them detain him for long. He made up his mind. He will tell Thorin everything when they get home.

Xxx

They shared a set of rooms with Fili and Kili, and an extra one, which they had a lot of fun decorating, was waiting for their mother. The bedrooms centered around a living area which had a hearth big enough to keep them all toasty while the winter raged outside. They had a kitchen and pantry too, but for now they still had their meals with everyone else. This was completed with a more private bathing suite further down the hall, with a big enough bathing pool for all to share as a group if they so wanted.

It was a relief to reach their home, and Bilbo preceded him in, "Adad, I —"

"No," Thorin cut him short. "I'm not interested in anything you have to say at this moment. I distinctly remember asking you — this very morning! — not to make a habit of lying to me. So I do not want to hear another word. Go to your room, change your clothes and get into bed. You will stay there until I call for you," he said sharply. "I would like nothing more than to strap your hide, but you heard Oin, you are to take it easy for a week. You might thank him the next time you see him. Go."

Shocked beyond words he fled the room. This was the first time ever that Thorin had not wanted to deal with him and he had never spoken so harshly before. He had no idea what else to do.

It took forever to exchange his clothes for a nightgown, and by the time he crawled into bed he had worked up a good cry at the pain, at the itching ointment that he was sweating off, and more broadly at the unfairness of life. This misery, coupled with the memory of Thorin's wrath was enough to have him despair and he did the only thing he could under these circumstances. He pulled the covers over his head and sobbed himself to sleep.


End file.
